DEAR ABBY: "Stan" and I have been married 45 years. He was always a loving and attentive husband. Two years ago, things began to change.

I had a best friend I'll call Clara who was like a sister to me. Stan, Clara and her husband and I would often go to dinner. We were a close foursome. Unfortunately, Clara's husband was diagnosed with advanced cancer. He had to be hospitalized many times. Clara and I would walk together in the mornings before she went to the hospital. It seemed to help her face the day. Stan asked to join us, and the three of us would walk and go to breakfast, sometimes at her house.

As time went on, Clara opened up to Stan, and he would tell her things to make her feel good about herself. Well, one thing led to another. They would communicate on the computer day and night, sharing their feelings.

Abby, they fell in love.

Clara's husband passed away a few months ago. Now Stan says he has two women to worry about. Clara has told people at work that Stan is her boyfriend. He has told her she is his girlfriend, and if she ever found someone else "it would break his heart."

He takes her to lunch and they often spend the day together. He says all they do is talk, but he finally admitted they hug and kiss each other.

I have begged Stan to end the situation. He refuses. He says it's going to be like this from now on. He tells me he loves both of us and can't give either one of us up.

He blames me and says I should have told him to stop before it got out of hand. He says it's the first time in our entire married life that he has fallen in love with another woman. He feels no guilt because he says nothing sexual is going on.

My stomach is in a constant knot, and I cry all the time. They both know how hurt I am and say they feel bad about it, but it hasn't stopped them from being together. Please advise me about what to do. -- DEVASTATED IN DELAWARE

DEAR DEVASTATED: Whether anything sexual is going on between your husband and Clara is almost beside the point. What IS going on is a full-blown affair of the heart, and because of it your marriage will never be the same. The two people closest to you have betrayed your trust. Particularly outrageous is your husband's insistence that this is your fault because you should have told him to stop sooner. Talk about blaming the victim!

Consult an attorney to determine what your rights are as a wronged Delaware wife with 45 years of equity in her marriage. Then ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist who can give you the emotional support you need as you decide how to deal with this. Insist your husband join you. If you have adult children, talk to them about what is going on. Do not isolate yourself. You have a right to be angry. Decide nothing in haste. Give yourself one year to decide what is best for you.

DEAR ABBY: Is it proper to send a thank-you note to an attorney and a county prosecutor for working out a deal that had charges against you dismissed? Please help. -- NEEDS TO KNOW ASAP, GRENADA, MISS.

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW ASAP: Absolutely! One good turn deserves another.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read your column daily and have found the questions concerning when to talk to children about sex very interesting.

I feel it's up to the children to bring up the subject first. If you have made them comfortable talking to you, they will expect their questions to be answered honestly.

I was working in the kitchen one day when my daughter, age 8, broadsided me with, "Mommy, how old do I have to be before I can have sex?"

I took a deep breath and told her not until she found a man she really loved and wanted to be her baby's daddy, because when you have sex you could get pregnant and have a baby.

She responded matter-of-factly, "You could always use the pill." I told her there were other ways, and she said, "You could just say no." I praised her and thought the exchange was over when she asked if, when her daddy and I were dating, did I ever tell him no? Here I copped out and told her that was something she needed to ask her daddy.

My husband was outside and unaware of what was taking place in the kitchen, so he was unprepared when his 8-year-old daughter approached him and pointedly asked if, when he was dating Mommy, did she ever say no to having sex? He and I are on the same page when it comes to parenting. Without hesitating he answered, "Yes, repeatedly." She said OK and walked away, discussion over.

My daughter did wait for the man she truly loved to come along. They now have two beautiful sons.

I'm relating this story so that young parents will know the importance of listening to their children and answering their questions honestly. This holds true throughout their lives. You may not always like what you hear, but if you have always been willing to listen, they will continue to talk to you. -- HAPPY GRANNY IN WALDO, FLA.

DEAR HAPPY GRANNY: Thanks for a letter that's sure to promote discussion among people of all ages. It addresses the importance of responding to children's questions in an age-appropriate way. It reminds me of a story I heard years ago: A young mother was asked by her 7-year-old son, "Mommy, where did I come from?"

The mother had prepared herself well in advance for that question and was ready with the answers, in all their anatomical detail. When she finished her lecture, her son replied, "Oh. My friend Jimmy said he came from St. Louis."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 79-year-old grandmother of 17 and great-grandmother of eight. I am writing about the grandma letters you printed in your column. I was shocked at how some of them talk about their "terrible" grandchildren. I love all my grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

They come with their pink and blue suitcases that say "Going to Grandma's" and spend the weekend with us. I have had as many as seven stay overnight at one time. In the morning, I ask what they want for breakfast. They all want something different: waffles, pancakes, biscuits and gravy, eggs, bacon and toast. Guess what? I fix it all.

I live for the times when they visit. I always have five days to get my house back in order. I do laundry, clean and make beds until Friday -- when they come back again. I love it! -- GRANDMA SUSIE, SHAWNEE, OKLA.

DEAR GRANDMA SUSIE: Some people may say you are giving up your life for your grandchildren. The truth is, you are receiving love and making precious memories for the children with whom you are sharing your life.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from the emergency room nurse regarding the dangers of leaving children home alone. While she is justified in her reaction, she apparently has no children of her own, or she wouldn't have made the comment, "How difficult would it be to find a teen-ager who would be willing to earn a few dollars to be with Amber for a few hours after school?"

I'll tell you how difficult it is: Impossible! As a university instructor, I am in the fortunate position of having flexible part-time hours. Two years ago, I was offered a full-time position that I had to turn down. Why? Because I couldn't find anyone to care for my daughter two hours a day, three days a week.

I sent letters to every high-school counselor, community college and university child development department in my area. I offered $8 per hour, well above minimum wage. Guess how many replies I got? None! Guess where I live? Los Angeles. If I can't find one teen-ager for a few hours a week in this metropolis of more than 9 million, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for parents who live in smaller cities. Thankfully, I had a choice. -- FRUSTRATED IN L.A.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Sometimes child-care resources are right under our noses. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am proud to work at my local YMCA in Tucson, Ariz.

My advice to the mother who leaves her 10-year-old daughter home alone after school -- and to any other parent with a similar problem -- is to contact the local YMCA. The YMCA is the largest child-care provider in the United States. We have formed collaborations with schools and churches nationwide to provide child care for any parent who needs it. We offer financial assistance for those who can't afford it, and we are virtually everywhere in the world.

The YMCA provides proactive programs for kids at risk -- swimming lessons, sports programs, exercise classes, teen leadership, Youth and Government, Black Achievers, etc. While the YMCA began for Christian men (Young Men's Christian Association), we offer programs for men, women, and boys and girls of all ages. We are nondenominational and welcome everyone. Our programs are based on teaching honesty, caring, respect and responsibility. We build strong kids, strong families and strong communities.

Thank you, Abby, for letting me pass on the word. -- KAT HAFLER, TUCSON

DEAR KAT: Thank you for reminding me about the wonderful services the YMCA (and YWCA) provides. It is celebrating its 150th birthday this year. There are 2,372 YMCAs throughout the United States and facilities in 120 countries. Readers, to locate the nearest Y, call 1-888-333-9622, or visit the Web site at www.ymca.net.

Before this topic is put to rest, I must correct some misinformation contained in the letter from the emergency department nurse on Feb. 8. She stated that it is against the law in Pennsylvania for children under age 12 to be left alone. Several readers have written to inform me that there is no such law in the Pennsylvania criminal code. When complaints are received about children at home alone, they are evaluated on a case-by-case basis, depending on the maturity of the child and the preparation the parents have made for emergencies that might arise in their absence.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)