DEAR ABBY: The letter from "At My Wit's End," whose best friend's husband was insanely jealous, prompted me to write.

For 13 years, I was married to a very controlling, much older man. A woman named "Helen" from church would call me occasionally. Since I wasn't allowed to have friends, each time she called, my husband would make a scene in the background. I was extremely embarrassed, but one day she said: "He's trying to run me off. He may have been in your life a long time before me, but I'll be around long after he's gone!"

That statement caused me to review my situation and realize the extent to which I was being controlled. Suddenly, I experienced a feeling of power where before I felt helpless. I came to realize that I was miserable in my marriage, but I had believed it was all my fault. Had it not been for Helen's comment, I might still be in that abusive relationship (which it was).

That was 20 years ago. I divorced him, and my life has changed tremendously since then. Please, Abby, tell "Wit's End" she may be her friend's only link to a new life. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS

DEAR BEEN THERE: I'll do better than that. I'll point out that being isolated from friends and family by a partner -- male or female -- is one sign of a potential abuser. Read on for some other signs (adapted with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark.):

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper), or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it." If the abuse has gone this far -- it's time to get help or get out!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I remember the morning being cold. I had arisen early to wash and clean the ambulance. We listened on the radio as our other unit received a call, and I chilled to hear the nature of the response. Without a word or hesitation, my partner and I scrambled to back up their call.

The living room was choked with men, some in fire bunker gear, some in police uniforms. As I brought additional equipment through the crowd, I saw the little boy lying lifeless on the stretcher, his pale skin tinged with blue at the lips.

The paramedic was a trainee, desperately trying to secure the boy's airway and push oxygen into his lungs. A fireman provided compressions to his heart. I glanced out into the back yard and saw an open gate and plastic sheeting strewn across the pool. It was obvious what had happened.

The mother stood paralyzed in the kitchen, unblinking eyes watching for the smallest sign of life. We did an EKG, inserted an IV and did CPR. We were out of the house with him in what seemed seconds, rushing him to the emergency room. Everything appeared to be going as it should.

In the emergency room, the staff moved quickly to treat the small body before them. After all efforts had been expended, the doctor raised a single hand and quietly said, "No."

Silence rippled across the room, even the machines falling quiet.

I walked out of the emergency room, past the parents who alternated between shouting accusations at each other and holding each other as waves of grief overcame them.

I called my brother that night, the one with three children and a big new house with a pool. He probably thought I was strange asking if the gate had been fixed yet.

I keep in touch with the paramedic on that scene, the one who held the boy's life in his hands as it ebbed away. After all these years, we still talk about that tragedy, and it sometimes plays out in our dreams.

Abby, please urge your readers to fence the pool and LOCK THE GATE to save the lives of their children. -- DAN BERGER, LANCASTER, CALIF.

DEAR DAN: I'm pleased to print your dramatic warning. Children are elusive, and it's impossible to watch them every minute. A child can drown in as little as 3 inches of water. Families with swimming pools MUST keep them fenced and securely locked. Otherwise, they are a tragedy waiting to happen.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Minneapolis Bride-to-Be," essentially affirming that it is acceptable for her to invite a former brother-in-law to her second wedding, was right on!

It should be the quality of the friendship, rather than some antiquated notion of propriety that guides such decisions.

My fiancee and I happily remain an active part of the lives of our former in-laws. They are good people with whom I developed a relationship over a period of several decades. We not only continue to celebrate holidays and birthdays together, but a table is always reserved for we "outlaws" (aka ex-spouses) at family weddings. -- THE MAN FROM MAINE

DEAR MAINE MAN: The "outlaws"? I love it!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter about women pallbearers, I had to write.

We are a family of six girls. In September 1993, my sister Ethel was diagnosed with cancer. Together, we girls saw Ethel through surgeries, chemo and radiation, and then we took her home to help her through her final months on Earth. During my last visit (I live away), Ethel was planning her funeral. When the subject of pallbearers came up, I told her I intended to act as a pallbearer. Her face lit up. "What if all of you could do that?" she asked. She turned to the funeral director and asked, "Can they?"

Ethel died at home on Oct. 24, 1994, and all her sisters and brothers-in-law wheeled her coffin into the church for her service. As my mother said, "You were all there to help her when she needed it; why shouldn't you help her now?"

It's a memory I'll always treasure. It was the last time all six of us could do something together. -- ETHEL'S SISTER, BANGOR, MAINE

DEAR SISTER: Thank you for sharing such a heartwarming memory. The feedback about that letter has been overwhelmingly positive. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman, and I have served as a pallbearer twice. The first time was for my Aunt Helen. When I asked my Uncle Tony if it would be all right, he seemed surprised, but he agreed. He said he thought Helen would be proud that her niece wanted to do it.

The second time was for my own dear dad. His sudden death rocked my world, and all I wanted was to be "with him" as long as I could.

Both times, people complimented me on a job well done and said they had never before seen a woman pallbearer. That should change. I encourage other women to do it. It was an ideal way to say goodbye. I imagine Aunt Helen and Dad looking down, smiling with pride because I chose to be me. -- RACHEL IN FRANKLIN, MASS.

DEAR RACHEL: I'm sure they were smiling, just as your letter will bring a smile to the faces of countless readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I insisted on helping to carry out my mother's casket. I felt that since Mother had carried me for nine months into my life, I could certainly bear her weight and carry her for the last time. I took one of the first two spots in order to be closer to her heart. It gave me an enormous feeling of peace and helped tremendously in my grieving process. -- JANE IN OHIO

DEAR JANE: I'm sure it was both comforting and empowering to act decisively during such a painful time. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: What's the big deal about female pallbearers? By the time I was 13, I had been asked to do it four times. When I was 9, a 6-month-old baby boy died. His parents asked four neighbor girls to be pallbearers at their infant son's funeral. Six months later, an 18-month-old baby boy died and all four of us were asked to serve as pallbearers again. At 11, I was a pallbearer for a 9-year-old girl from my Sunday school class.

I'm now 81, and I'll never forget those experiences from my youth. All of us were proud to help with something so important. -- HONORED IN SANTA ANA, CALIF.

DEAR HONORED: Your letter should put to rest the idea that women pallbearers are a recent phenomenon. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The letter about the female pallbearer brought back the memory of a story my grandma told me about a woman who was planning her funeral back in the '40s. She insisted she wanted women to carry her casket when she died. Her reason: Since men didn't take her out while she was living, she didn't want them carrying her out when she was dead. -- BETTY IN FLORIDA

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)