DEAR ABBY: We installed a hot tub several years ago. We are always naked when we use it. However, when we entertain guests, we let them know in advance that it is their choice whether to wear bathing suits or not. If they opt to wear suits, we ask if they care if we or other guests are naked. Most guests opt to soak in the nude; those who don't have no problem with others being naked.

Recently we invited new neighbors to our house for a welcoming party with other neighbors. They informed us they would be uncomfortable if other guests were nude. We have no problem with this –- after all, we have plenty of opportunity to enjoy our spa naked -– but some of our neighbors did. They felt put out that after years spent enjoying our hot tub in the buff, they now had to cover up.

This has created dissension in the neighborhood, and our efforts to be respectful of others is backfiring. Have you any suggestions on how we can resolve this? -– DOIN' WHAT COMES NATURALLY

DEAR DOIN': Yes. Don't let your straitlaced new neighbors throw cold water on your hot tub tradition. Entertain them separately so your less-inhibited neighbors can enjoy all the therapeutic benefits of soaking in their birthday suits without anyone pointing fingers. I'm sure everyone would prefer it.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I moved into a new house with our son about six months ago. After we moved, we realized we needed to set some house rules. One of them has to do with overnight guests.

The rule is simple: If a family member or friend asks to spend the night, each of us must check with the others before agreeing. We do this in case there is a conflict and out of respect for each other.

Last week, my sister, "Lisa," who lives out of town, called to ask me if she could spend the night. I told her I needed to check with my wife and son, but I didn't think it would be a problem. Lisa was appalled and insulted that I would have to check with my wife and son before "allowing" her to stay. In her wildest dreams, she couldn't imagine ever having to check with her husband and kids. After she hung up, she told a bunch of her friends about it. She told me they, too, were flabbergasted that I would say such a thing to my sister.

Abby, my wife, son and I have had no conflicts since we established that rule. Should I have gone ahead and told Lisa it was OK to stay without checking first? (By the way, my wife and son had no problem with my sister staying with us.) –- LITTLE BRO IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LITTLE BRO: No. You did the right thing. Your marriage is a true partnership, and you're teaching your son consideration for others. There would be far less conflict in most families if more people communicated as effectively as you do. Your sister owes all of you an apology.

DEAR ABBY: I live in a four-unit apartment complex in a lovely neighborhood. A young couple occupies the unit directly above mine. Although the apartments provide some privacy, I have a hard time ignoring the couple upstairs when they reach the highest peak of their passion.

Is there a subtle way to let them know I can hear their most intimate moments without embarrassing them -– or me? –- SLEEP-DEPRIVED IN SCHENECTADY, N.Y.

DEAR SLEEP-DEPRIVED: The next time it happens, consider dropping a subtle hint. Play "Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing" on your stereo and turn up the volume. It may not work the first time, but after a while they'll get the message.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

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DEAR ABBY: My letter is in reference to the question about the Jewish practice of leaving stones at someone's grave. The rabbi whom you consulted said the stones signify that someone has visited the grave to honor the deceased; the money that would have been spent on flowers is donated to charity. Viewed from the mystical perspective, it symbolizes that the body returns to dust and the soul returns to God.

In my opinion, based upon my research, the custom has ancient and practical origins: We Jews were originally a desert people. As such, we used to bury our dead in the sand without a casket and covered the grave with stones, not only to mark the spot, but also to prevent animals from digging up and devouring the body.

Upon visiting a grave, it was considered a "mitzvah" – or good deed -– to add stones to replace those moved by the wind or animals. This helped to preserve the integrity of the grave and also the deceased.

The practice of leaving stones at the grave derives from that tradition. The idea of giving to charity instead of a florist is probably a later development. –- RABBI JACQUES CUKIERKORN, KANSAS CITY, MO.

DEAR RABBI CUKIERKORN: Your explanation makes a lot of sense to me. It is corroborated by more than a dozen letters from other Jewish readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have no doubt that your reference source was correct regarding why stones are placed on Jewish graves instead of flowers. However, I was always told that it was because stones are everlasting, and flowers die. (Just my 2 cents!) –- AVID READER, CANYON COUNTRY, CALIF.

DEAR AVID: Pennies from heaven? Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to why stones are placed on graves in Jewish cemeteries –- you need only go to the Book of Joshua in the Old Testament to find the answer. God instructed the people to gather stones and place them in a pile after crossing the Jordan River:

"In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." –- BECKY IN ARIZONA

DEAR BECKY: How interesting! You're the only reader who quoted chapter and verse on the subject. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Here's what I learned in Hebrew school many years ago:

The practice started in the old country. They didn't have monuments because they couldn't afford them. So they gathered many small stones and formed a pyramid at the gravesite. When people visited the grave, they would replace any stones that had fallen off. That's how it really started –- that's the truth. -– LOUIS HYMAN (AGE 83), DELRAY BEACH, FLA.

DEAR LOUIS -– AND ALL YOU DEAR READERS WHO WROTE TO COMMENT: Thank you for your input. Your letters have been fascinating. I often wondered why Jewish scholars would sit and argue for hours about interpretations of the Torah. Well, now I know why.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My 36th birthday is coming, and I would like to do something exciting. I want to have fun with some of my close friends. I have celebrated with my husband and 9-year-old daughter for the past eight years. It's always the same. They buy me a cake, give me gifts and sing "Happy Birthday" -– and every year, I become more depressed because "like that," my birthday is over.

I need something more. How can I break this depressing cycle and explain to my husband and daughter that I prefer spending my birthday with friends? -– WANTING A HAPPIER BIRTHDAY

DEAR WANTING: Is there any reason why you can't do both -– have a family birthday and some special time with your friends? Many people celebrate their birthdays over a period of several days.

I can't help feeling something more is going on than you have revealed in your letter. You may be depressed, and not just on your birthday. See your physician and tell him or her how you feel. If you don't, I see trouble ahead.

DEAR ABBY: I have been invited to a "senior recital" for my next-door neighbor's daughter. The parents of this girl have reserved the auditorium at the school and invited friends and family to an hour-long presentation by her, followed by a reception.

My question: Is this a gift-giving occasion? Should I take flowers or what? I don't want to arrive empty-handed, but I'm in a quandary as to what exactly I should do.

Obviously this is a first for me, Abby. I like these people and want to do the right thing. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -– D.M.K. IN DELAWARE

DEAR D.M.K.: While being invited to a senior recital is not usually considered a gift-giving occasion, if you were to take something the girl could have as a keepsake, she would probably treasure it for the rest of her life. It needn't be anything expensive.

Another idea would be to unobtrusively take a photograph of her during her presentation, frame it, and give it to her as a memento.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and mother-in-law had surgeries on the same day in hospitals more than 100 miles apart. After my wife emerged from surgery, and I was assured that everything had gone well, I raced to the other hospital to see my mother-in-law.

When I reached her side, I could see she was close to death. I asked her if there was anything I could do. She raised an arm, pulled me close and whispered a compliment I will never forget. She said, "Dougie, I'm not a jealous person. If I were, I would be jealous of the life my daughter has had with you."

I kissed her wrinkled cheek, said goodbye and drove back to my wife. It was a sunny California day, but I had difficulty seeing through my tears.

My message to other sons-in-law is this: Instead of making fun of your mothers-in-law, tell them how much you love them. You might be surprised to find out they love you, too. -– "DOUGIE" SOMEWHERE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DOUGIE: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother-in-law. She must have been a wonderful woman to have given you such a meaningful farewell gift. I hope others will take your letter to heart. It contains an important lesson.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)