DEAR ABBY: I have a true story to share. It's the story of a man who married his high school sweetheart. She supported him through college, encouraged him to pursue a degree, and gave him two beautiful children. She became a wonderful mother. She never missed a ballgame. She took the children to church. She worked full time and went without in order to give us more, and he, on the other hand, never helped around the house and became obsessed with his job.

A female co-worker with a questionable reputation began to flirt, flatter and confide in him about her inattentive husband. He allowed himself to be convinced an affair was justified, since his wife was so busy raising his children. Soon the affair became common knowledge. He had to leave his home and family, which suddenly seemed invaluable beyond belief.

Abby, I traded everything important in life for a woman who's not fit to wipe my wife's shoes. Although I never strayed before, my reputation is ruined. My children will never again respect me. I'll be known for the rest of my life as someone who committed adultery and lied to everyone I know and love.

If there is a man reading this who's considering following in my footsteps, I hope my letter makes him think twice. He should go home, help his wife, be part of his children's lives, and stop believing he should be the center of everyone's attention.

If a married man is tempted by another woman, I guarantee she's selfish and looking out for only her own needs. And if he marries her, what he'll have is an adulteress who lies and cheats. I wish I could change everything I have done. -– SADDER BUT WISER

DEAR SADDER: I'm printing your warning. Anyone who reads it and fluffs it off thinking your story is unusual, please read on:

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I met "Liz," the woman of my dreams. My marriage of 1 1/2 years was rocky. Liz was ambitious, hard-working, exciting and fun -– everything I thought my wife wasn't. Liz was an airline pilot. Over dinner we told each other our tales of woe. I walked her to her car; she kissed me. Two hours later I was an adulterer.

Because we're both pilots, we could meet without suspicion during overnight layovers in other cities. We discussed marriage and children. I felt some guilt about what this would do to my 1-year-old son, but the thought of divorcing my wife was surprisingly easy.

After three months, Liz suddenly became cold and distant. She said she needed time to think things through. Several months later, I learned she was marrying a wealthy man she had met while we were involved. I was devastated.

I'm now divorced. My ex and I are trying to reconcile, but it doesn't look good. If things don't work out, my desire to become involved with another woman is completely gone.

The expensive lesson I learned is don't take the easy way out. If your marriage is unhappy, get professional help. Identify what's wrong before venturing down a destructive path. I have lost everything important to me -– my son, the respect of my ex-wife, family and friends -– and my own self-respect. I'm reminded every time I look in the mirror. -– SO SORRY IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SO SORRY AND OTHER MARRIED MEN WITH THE URGE TO WANDER: There you have it -– not one object lesson but two. Let me add a thought for the day: If you don't value what you have, you're sure to lose it.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We installed a hot tub several years ago. We are always naked when we use it. However, when we entertain guests, we let them know in advance that it is their choice whether to wear bathing suits or not. If they opt to wear suits, we ask if they care if we or other guests are naked. Most guests opt to soak in the nude; those who don't have no problem with others being naked.

Recently we invited new neighbors to our house for a welcoming party with other neighbors. They informed us they would be uncomfortable if other guests were nude. We have no problem with this –- after all, we have plenty of opportunity to enjoy our spa naked -– but some of our neighbors did. They felt put out that after years spent enjoying our hot tub in the buff, they now had to cover up.

This has created dissension in the neighborhood, and our efforts to be respectful of others is backfiring. Have you any suggestions on how we can resolve this? -– DOIN' WHAT COMES NATURALLY

DEAR DOIN': Yes. Don't let your straitlaced new neighbors throw cold water on your hot tub tradition. Entertain them separately so your less-inhibited neighbors can enjoy all the therapeutic benefits of soaking in their birthday suits without anyone pointing fingers. I'm sure everyone would prefer it.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I moved into a new house with our son about six months ago. After we moved, we realized we needed to set some house rules. One of them has to do with overnight guests.

The rule is simple: If a family member or friend asks to spend the night, each of us must check with the others before agreeing. We do this in case there is a conflict and out of respect for each other.

Last week, my sister, "Lisa," who lives out of town, called to ask me if she could spend the night. I told her I needed to check with my wife and son, but I didn't think it would be a problem. Lisa was appalled and insulted that I would have to check with my wife and son before "allowing" her to stay. In her wildest dreams, she couldn't imagine ever having to check with her husband and kids. After she hung up, she told a bunch of her friends about it. She told me they, too, were flabbergasted that I would say such a thing to my sister.

Abby, my wife, son and I have had no conflicts since we established that rule. Should I have gone ahead and told Lisa it was OK to stay without checking first? (By the way, my wife and son had no problem with my sister staying with us.) –- LITTLE BRO IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LITTLE BRO: No. You did the right thing. Your marriage is a true partnership, and you're teaching your son consideration for others. There would be far less conflict in most families if more people communicated as effectively as you do. Your sister owes all of you an apology.

DEAR ABBY: I live in a four-unit apartment complex in a lovely neighborhood. A young couple occupies the unit directly above mine. Although the apartments provide some privacy, I have a hard time ignoring the couple upstairs when they reach the highest peak of their passion.

Is there a subtle way to let them know I can hear their most intimate moments without embarrassing them -– or me? –- SLEEP-DEPRIVED IN SCHENECTADY, N.Y.

DEAR SLEEP-DEPRIVED: The next time it happens, consider dropping a subtle hint. Play "Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing" on your stereo and turn up the volume. It may not work the first time, but after a while they'll get the message.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My letter is in reference to the question about the Jewish practice of leaving stones at someone's grave. The rabbi whom you consulted said the stones signify that someone has visited the grave to honor the deceased; the money that would have been spent on flowers is donated to charity. Viewed from the mystical perspective, it symbolizes that the body returns to dust and the soul returns to God.

In my opinion, based upon my research, the custom has ancient and practical origins: We Jews were originally a desert people. As such, we used to bury our dead in the sand without a casket and covered the grave with stones, not only to mark the spot, but also to prevent animals from digging up and devouring the body.

Upon visiting a grave, it was considered a "mitzvah" – or good deed -– to add stones to replace those moved by the wind or animals. This helped to preserve the integrity of the grave and also the deceased.

The practice of leaving stones at the grave derives from that tradition. The idea of giving to charity instead of a florist is probably a later development. –- RABBI JACQUES CUKIERKORN, KANSAS CITY, MO.

DEAR RABBI CUKIERKORN: Your explanation makes a lot of sense to me. It is corroborated by more than a dozen letters from other Jewish readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have no doubt that your reference source was correct regarding why stones are placed on Jewish graves instead of flowers. However, I was always told that it was because stones are everlasting, and flowers die. (Just my 2 cents!) –- AVID READER, CANYON COUNTRY, CALIF.

DEAR AVID: Pennies from heaven? Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to why stones are placed on graves in Jewish cemeteries –- you need only go to the Book of Joshua in the Old Testament to find the answer. God instructed the people to gather stones and place them in a pile after crossing the Jordan River:

"In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." –- BECKY IN ARIZONA

DEAR BECKY: How interesting! You're the only reader who quoted chapter and verse on the subject. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Here's what I learned in Hebrew school many years ago:

The practice started in the old country. They didn't have monuments because they couldn't afford them. So they gathered many small stones and formed a pyramid at the gravesite. When people visited the grave, they would replace any stones that had fallen off. That's how it really started –- that's the truth. -– LOUIS HYMAN (AGE 83), DELRAY BEACH, FLA.

DEAR LOUIS -– AND ALL YOU DEAR READERS WHO WROTE TO COMMENT: Thank you for your input. Your letters have been fascinating. I often wondered why Jewish scholars would sit and argue for hours about interpretations of the Torah. Well, now I know why.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)