DEAR ABBY: You printed a column from stepchildren in loveless homes. Both letters were signed, "No Name, No Address, No Phone." I hope you'll convey this message to the teen-ager in high school:

Please remember that in three years you'll be graduating and be able to start a new and independent life. Despite your surroundings, make every effort to make these important years count.

Wake up each morning, make your bed, and get yourself out of there so you can focus on your future. Take refuge at the library and at school. Work toward a scholarship. Prove your parents and stepparents wrong by becoming a shining example for your younger sister and brother. YOU CAN DO IT!

Many adults in this world want to see young people succeed and fulfill their potential. Talk with your teachers, coaches, counselors, ministers and the parents of friends. Reach out, and you'll find the support you need to get through this difficult time.

You deserve a life filled with love and support. I'm sending a big hug for you and your siblings. -– TWIN CITIES MOM AND TEACHER

DEAR MOM AND TEACHER: Your letter will have meaning for far more young people than the two whose letters appeared in my column. I'm sad to say that nearly 20 percent of the letters I receive involve physical or emotional abuse. For a civilized society, that's appalling. Please read on:

DEAR ABBY: Seventeen years of my life were spent being kicked, punched and beaten. I was choked, shamed, told I was worthless, starved, berated -– you name it.

My relatives saw what was happening, but my mother would tell them I was such a terrible child I deserved worse than I was getting. If someone had just once asked me what was going on, I would have gladly told them. But I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone unless Mother said it was OK.

Children should feel safe in their own homes. Unfortunately, abuse goes on right under people's noses. I'm willing to bet that many people reading this know someone who is being abused, but the person is too embarrassed to admit it. Victims are made to carry the guilt of the abuser, so they become masters at hiding it. I was told I was so bad no one would believe me. I was too afraid to confide in my teachers or friends for fear of retribution. I had been warned that if I ever told, I would be beaten beyond recognition.

By the way, if you're wondering where my father was during all this, he was right there -– watching. He was as afraid of my mother as I was.

I finally moved out at the age of 17. Mother always said if I didn't like the way she treated me, I could leave any time. I think she was more surprised than anyone else when she saw me packing my belongings. Within an hour I was gone.

To this day, every interaction I have with her is painful. She denies everything, even though many of my relatives have told her they witnessed her abuse. While I have moved on, she is depressed and talks about suicide. I will accept no responsibility for her depression. She should have gotten her act together a long time ago. -– SURVIVOR

DEAR SURVIVOR: In your case, that's healthy thinking. You have suffered enough for a lifetime. Your abusive mother could outlive you. Let your "loving family" deal with her. Keep your distance and do not allow yourself to be manipulated.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have had it with people who talk nonstop on cell phones while simultaneously conducting other business.

As a cashier in a large retail chain, I experience this rudeness daily. Customers come to my register, dump their purchases on the counter, and continue their cell phone conversations without even acknowledging me. After I ring up their total, they'll hand over their money or credit card without looking up, grab their stuff and walk away -- still talking a mile a minute.

Do you know what I've started doing to get even? I purposely "forget" to put one of their items into their bag, or "accidentally" charge them twice for something. I know it's not the right thing to do, but I have absolutely no qualms about it. If they don't have the good manners and common sense to ask the person on the line to hold (an average transaction takes less than a minute), these losers deserve to make an extra trip back to get their merchandise or correct their bill.

Maybe next time they'll pay more attention when they get in my line. Thanks for letting me vent! -- CASHIER WITH A MISSION

DEAR CASHIER: What the customers are doing is rude; what YOU are doing is far worse! If you were my employee, you would be history. Sooner or later this will catch up to you; it's only a matter of time.

If you are wise, you will try to get at the root of what's really causing your anger. It's not the customers. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: I am deeply concerned about our grandchildren, ages 6 and 9. Our son, "Kevin," recently went through a divorce. He now shares custody with his ex-wife.

When Kevin and the kids come over for Sunday dinner, my son turns dinnertime into a battleground. For example, he'll argue with the children nonstop and force them to eat things they don't like. I think he's intentionally trying to stir up trouble. His father and I eat in silence and try not to interfere. We just pray Kevin will hurry up and go home. We're nervous wrecks by the time they leave.

When my husband and I have the children alone, we're able to create a relaxed atmosphere, and our grandkids respond to that. We talk calmly to them about their day, what happened at school, or anything that may be bothering them.

I am concerned about the mental well-being of our grandchildren, Abby. When they get hurt, Kevin doesn't try to comfort them or check to see how bad the boo-boo is -- he orders them to stop crying and quit acting like babies.

Should we speak up or butt out and leave our son alone? Please help. -- WORRIED ABOUT KEVIN'S KIDS

DEAR WORRIED: If Kevin's behavior has changed since the divorce, it's possible he's overwhelmed by all the responsibility he has when the children are with him.

By all means speak up! If it continues, his overbearing manner will destroy his relationship with his children. Offer to take the children on a regular basis for a while; it might lessen your son's stress.

DEAR ABBY: I was married four months ago. I'm afraid it was a big mistake. My husband and I agree that, to say the least, things are not what we thought they would be.

If we get a divorce, do we have to return the wedding gifts? My parents believe that we do. -- WANTS OUT IN LYNDONVILLE, VT.

DEAR WANTS OUT: I agree with your parents. Should you divorce, any unused gifts should be returned.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an attorney who provides legal assistance throughout the country to cemeteries, crematories, funeral homes and trade associations in the industry. I am writing to correct some popular misconceptions that were reflected in some of the letters in your column in the last few weeks.

First, all of the letter writers used the term "ashes" to describe cremated human remains. The remains of a cremated body are not ashes as the term is commonly understood. The remains are bone fragments that, if not mechanically reduced, can be too large to scatter. They do not immediately dissolve when scattered. They normally cannot be dispersed and blown away. Unfortunately, the movies and the media have misused the term "ashes" for many years, not realizing the problems it causes survivors who attempt to scatter remains in the manner often depicted.

Second, while it is permissible in all states to scatter cremated remains, there are legal requirements. No state law allows them to be scattered on private property without the consent of the property owner. Many national and state parks have specific rules, permit requirements and, sometimes, location limitations for the scattering of those remains. Several years ago, representatives of a national park and the leader of an Indian tribe contacted an industry association to complain about illegal scattering of cremated remains on the tribe's sacred burial grounds, which were located within the park. Most cemeteries also have rules and regulations that must be observed.

Third, adding an additional memorial for the cremated remains of a second spouse on the cemetery plot where the first spouse is buried has legal implications. When burial spaces are originally acquired, there is an expectation that a surviving spouse will be buried with the deceased spouse in an appropriate manner. If a companion memorial was purchased and installed when the first spouse died, changing the arrangement may require the legal consent of all survivors. In addition, most cemeteries have rules and regulations dealing with burial of cremated remains with human remains and the appropriate types of memorials.

Finally, when separating cremated remains as a keepsake, it is important to make sure that everyone agrees with the plan. The individuals who have the legal right to authorize a cremation usually have the right to determine the disposition of remains. Also, any individual who takes a portion of those remains should be cautioned to treat them in a respectful and proper manner. Unfortunately, there have been incidents where cremated remains have been disposed of in the same manner as garbage.

I hope this information will allow your readers to provide meaningful memorialization for their loved ones without violating any laws, rules and regulations -– or the rights of other individuals. –- HARVEY I. LAPIN, ESQ., NORTHBROOK, ILL.

DEAR HARVEY: I hope so, too. This is a subject that many people have enthusiastically embraced -- as reflected in past columns. Anyone who wishes to scatter the "ashes" of a loved one should first contact the appropriate authorities to make sure they are in compliance with the law.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)