DEAR ABBY: I am intrigued by women who find phone numbers in their husband's pockets or wonder why they are out late. My advice: Unless you think you're in danger of losing your husband, leave well enough alone.

I have been a happily married man for more than 25 years. For the last 10 years, I have had a male lover who is also married. Neither of us intends to leave our families. What would my wife gain if she happened to stumble on this? She would destroy her life, my life, our kids' lives, my lover's life, his family's lives -- and nothing would be gained. -- BISEXUAL IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR "BI": While we all know that some marriages are "arrangements," those kinds of relationships should be entered into with everyone's eyes wide open. Secrets of the kind you have described are not healthy for partnerships.

You ask what your wife would gain if she were to learn the truth? She would gain the ability to decide for herself if she wants to spend the rest of her life sharing her husband with another person, rather than having the decision made for her. Whether her answer is yes or no, she would be making an informed choice. She deserves the right to do so.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to thank my father-in-law for all of the lessons he's taught my husband:

Thank you for abandoning your girlfriend and newborn son 28 years ago. It has taught him to be a conscientious father to our children.

Thank you for leaving them in poverty. It taught him to work hard for the things he truly wants.

Thank you for never taking him fishing or hunting. It taught him to spend quality time with our daughters.

Thank you for returning to their lives when he was 17, only to cheat on his mother four years later. It has made our marriage stronger.

Thank you for visiting us three or four times in the past seven years. It taught him to appreciate his mother more.

Finally, thank you for never being a role model. It has taught my husband to be a better man. -- GRATEFUL WIFE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR GRATEFUL WIFE: Although the lessons your father-in-law taught your husband may have been inadvertent, it appears your mate took the negatives of his fragmented relationship with his father and turned them into positives. Your open letter demonstrates the lasting effect of examples we set by our behavior.

DEAR ABBY: My parents do not listen to anything I have to say. They think my problems are not as important as theirs. I try to tell them what's going on in my life, but they don't hear me. Because of this, I no longer tell my parents anything. I tell my best friend and her mother. My friend's mom listens to my problems and helps me handle them -- no matter how small they are.

My parents do not know anything about me. They never will, until they decide to listen to what I have to say.

My advice to all parents is to LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN. It's not that hard. Your kids just might have important "secrets" you know nothing about because you didn't take the time to listen. -- A TEEN NEEDING TO TALK IN OHIO

DEAR TEEN: Sociologists and psychologists have interviewed teen-agers about their concerns, and a subject that is mentioned again and again is the fact that some parents are too busy or preoccupied to listen. I have received many letters from other teen-agers that contain the same message as yours. They wants parents who will listen and at least let them explain. Kids desperately need to be understood and to have parents who will stand beside them, not over them.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I had to respond to the letter from the writer who didn't think a minister should receive compensation for "saying a few words" at the funeral of a parishioner he has known for 20 years.

If only it were a matter of "saying a few words." My pastor-husband spends many hours with sick and dying members of our congregation. He gets out of bed at any hour of the night to go to their bedsides. He prays with them, holds their hands and offers words of comfort. He is often the liaison between doctors and family. His presence calms heated situations when people are grieving and not at their best. He does all this gladly. This is his calling.

When someone dies, my husband meets with the family, talks with the funeral director, arranges music, organizes a luncheon, prepares a service, prints a funeral bulletin and handles many other details, which can often take two or three days. This frees the family to grieve.

Families may give a monetary gift to the pastor out of gratitude for his dedication to their loved one and appreciation for his time. But if the gift cannot be given with a grateful heart, please do not give. My husband's payment is reserved for him in heaven. -- PENNSYLVANIA PASTOR'S WIFE

DEAR WIFE: When I said that clergypersons and musicians should be compensated for their professional services, I mixed apples and oranges. Many people (in and out of the clergy) wrote to point out that clergy are paid salaries and provided housing, etc., and funerals and weddings are considered part of their normal duties if they're for church members.

However, many grateful parishioners offer gratuities to the clergy in addition. These are gratefully accepted -- and are often added to the church's general or building funds.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Unfortunately, I was not surprised at the content of the letter from "No Price on Friendship," concerning paying the singer at a funeral.

I am a professional musician with a master's degree in music. I'm paid to play for weddings, funerals, parties, grand openings, etc. My education, like any other, took a lot of time, effort and money, and I should be paid for my services. Fortunately, I don't have to earn a living at my profession because I'm married to a successful man. However, I have friends who have no other income than from professional appearances and private teaching.

My string quartet was once asked to play for three hours at a pig roast. The hostess offered us dinner as compensation. Needless to say, we declined the job. We do, however, frequently offer free performances at nursing homes and schools for children with disabilities.

Some people just don't "get it." Please, Abby, let your readers know that everyone -- even musicians -- needs to make a living and should be paid for his or her efforts. -- TIRED OF EXPLAINING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TIRED: You have stated it very well. They don't need another chorus from me.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Over the years, I have seen letters about dogs and cats needing emergency veterinary care. Preventable accidents are the No. 1 cause of death and disability for our canine and feline companions. Most of the time, pet owners say they were unaware that the plant their pet ate was poisonous, or they didn't recognize the early symptoms of their pet's illness. Being informed and prepared is the key to having healthy, happy, furry family members.

The American Animal Hospital Association estimates that one out of four pets could be saved if just ONE basic pet first-aid technique was applied prior to getting veterinary care.

I would like to offer your legion of pet-loving readers a pet preparedness guide titled "Knowing Your Pet's Health." It's a 20-page booklet that includes pet emergency preparedness advice, how to assess your pet's health, a health chart, a list of common plant and household pet poisons, a snout-to-tail assessment with worksheet, and suggestions for finding the best pet insurance.

Thank you, Abby, for your many years of providing helpful and accurate information to conscientious pet owners. -- THOM SOMES, PRESIDENT, PET TECH INC.

DEAR THOM: Because pet first-aid classes are not available everywhere, I'm sure your booklet will save the lives of companion animals that might not otherwise survive. I commend you for providing such a readable and easy-to-understand guide for pet owners.

Readers: To order a copy of "Knowing Your Pet's Health," send a check or money order for $3.50 to: Pet Preparedness Guide, c/o Pet Tech Inc., 5800 Severin Drive, La Mesa, Calif. 91942. The pet you save could be your own.

DEAR ABBY: For the past year, I have been seeing a 35-year-old widow and mother of three small children. About every five weeks and every holiday, her 24-year-old brother-in-law, "Mark," will call her and spend the night with her and the kids. If we have plans, they are canceled to accommodate Mark. Also, when Mark is visiting, I am told that it would be "inappropriate" for me to be there or call her.

After a year of this, I finally told my girlfriend I was uncomfortable with this arrangement, and if Mark wants to see her and the kids, that's fine -- but he should go home at night. My girlfriend became irate.

The next day at a family gathering, she asked, almost begged, Mark to stay the night with her and the kids. She did it three times in front of me. The last time was as Mark was leaving. She then turned to me and told me to leave. She said that Mark is family and welcome to stay with her any time. (I thought I was family, too.)

What do you think? If there is to be a future in this relationship, we need your opinion. -- THREE'S A CROWD IN WISCONSIN

DEAR THREE'S A CROWD: If the relationship with her brother-in-law was strictly platonic, she wouldn't insist that you be absent and not call when he is visiting. Wise up and move on. She has made her choice -- and you're not it.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)