DEAR ABBY: While shopping at a mini-market last Sunday, I witnessed a scene that is re-enacted thousands of times every weekend throughout the country: the exchange of children by couples who are separated or divorced.

The ritual may go quietly unnoticed; however, this particular couple argued, shouted obscenities, drove recklessly, and made a public spectacle of themselves while their three children sat in one car -- and a "significant other" sat in the other.

I am a divorced, single parent. I know firsthand the pain of a failing relationship and ensuing separation or divorce. These situations bring up feelings I would not wish on my worst enemy. Certainly, I would never wish them on my children.

When couples meet to exchange their children, they should put themselves in their kids' shoes. They should ask themselves how they would feel if their parents were saying terrible things to each other in loud, angry voices -- with strangers looking on.

Conversations should be courteous and kept to a minimum. Longer, more detailed conversations can be carried on later, when little ears aren't present. (Children should feel free to love both parents in their own ways and be left out of the particulars.)

Moms and dads should ask themselves ahead of time why the new boyfriend or girlfriend needs to be there. Estranged men and women do not need more fuel for their fires. Children have enough trouble trying to adjust to their new living arrangements without being faced with another wrinkle in the fabric of their lives. And the estranged couple doesn't need another reminder of how far apart they've grown.

A failed marriage doesn't mean the husband and the wife were bad people. However, the high emotions sometimes cause them to say regrettable things. Long after the adults have moved on with their lives, their children will be trying to solve the mystery of their parents' divorce. They don't need more bad memories. Divorced or estranged parents should always put their children's feelings first. -- CARING FOR THE KIDS IN FELTON, PA.

DEAR CARING: I agree. To do anything less is hurtful, immature and potentially damaging to the children. They deserve better.

DEAR ABBY: As the parent of a young musician who recently received a master's degree in music, I was appalled at your advice to the person who inquired about gift-giving at a "senior recital."

Your suggestion to take a photograph during the recital was the worst possible advice! Take it from me, there is NO WAY to snap a photo without disturbing the performer. Any disturbance could create a break in concentration, causing the musician to make a mistake. After months of preparation, performers deserve the best possible conditions for their performance.

Such recitals are required for music degree candidates in college, but only the most serious high school students are dedicated enough to give a senior recital. They usually spend a year preparing their repertoire. These recitals are NOT gift-giving occasions, but a learning experience for the students and a time to share their talents with families and friends. Gifts are not expected, but a small bouquet of flowers before or after the event would be appropriate. -- MOTHER OF A MUSICIAN

DEAR MOTHER: I stand corrected. You're not the only reader who said my answer struck a sour note.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl -- a sophomore in a wonderful high school. We have some of the best test scores in the state. Our teachers go the extra mile to help us. Our teams excel in almost every sport. However, there's something about my high school that is not so terrific. I'm talking about how the "popular crowd" treats others.

Everyone knows who the popular kids are. They are the ones who get drunk and smoke weed over the weekend. They think they are superior because they wear nice clothes and their parents buy them whatever they want. They pick on kids who aren't up to their level. It's disgusting.

Abby, please inform these kids that they really aren't better than anyone else. They hurt others in ways you can't imagine. How would the popular kids like going to a place where they are tormented for wearing the same pants they wore last week? How will the popular crowd act after they graduate? Employers won't hire them just because they have nice clothes!

Parents who suspect their children treat others this way should watch them closely and urge them to be nicer to their classmates. -- KNOWS THE REAL DEAL

DEAR KNOWS: You're right, they should. Unfortunately, the snobs who look down on fellow students usually don't act that way in front of their parents.

I recently read an article about a terrific middle school music teacher who opened her music room at lunch hour to first-year students who were being teased and excluded. It provided young people a safe, inviting refuge where they wouldn't be hazed. The students who lunched in her room were welcoming, democratic, well-behaved -- and appreciated the nurturing surroundings. More schools, including high schools, should consider something similar.

DEAR ABBY: I agree with "Whistler in Jenks, Okla." -- whistling IS a beautiful art form. How can anyone forget the rendition of "The Whistler and His Dog" performed by the world-famous Cowboy Band of Hardin Simmons University in Abilene, Texas? Or the sexy whistling lesson Lauren Bacall gave to Humphrey Bogart in the classic film "To Have and Have Not"? Or the Seven Dwarfs who found joy in whistling while they worked?

And let's not forget the traditional "wolf whistle." I'll bet there are few females alive who haven't secretly been flattered to receive one of those! There is also "whistling in the dark," and "whistling a happy tune" whenever you are afraid, and so on and so on.

The gentleman from Jenks wasn't whistling "Dixie" when he lauded this beautiful art form. -- ANITA HAMILTON, SUN CITY WEST, ARIZ.

DEAR ANITA: You weren't the only reader who was thankful to be reminded about the fine art of whistling. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I love to whistle, despite my mother's warning that "a whistling woman and a crowing hen come to no good."

Has there ever been a whistling choir? Someone needs to organize one! -- A FAN OF WHISTLING

DEAR FAN OF WHISTLING: You're about to get your wish. Whistling fans -- and whistlers' mothers -- get ready. A three-day whistling festival -- "Puckerama 2001" -- is being held in the cities of Tulsa and Jenks, Okla., Oct. 18-21, 2001. For more information, check the Web site: www.thewhistler.com. Pucker up and have a great time!

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter in your column about what legal documents students should have once they reach the age of 18 prompted me to write.

With college starting again, please recommend that students have a personal fact sheet on hand, in a place where it can be easily located. It should include important information such as parents' names, address and phone numbers, food and drug allergies, prescription and non-prescription medications and dosages, the name and phone number of their family physician, dentist and pharmacy, their medical history and insurance information, etc.

New friends and acquaintances may not know these facts, or in an emergency will not remember them. The time it takes to look up the information in school records may mean the difference between life and death.

Because of my complex medical history and numerous prescriptions, this has been a lifesaver after accidents, when seeing new physicians and in emergency situations -- especially when out of town. I keep it on my computer and hand the information out when necessary. Doctors and nurses rely on having an accurate and complete list of data. -- BETTY NOLAN, ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR, SOUTHEASTERN OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY

DEAR BETTY: You have made a good point. In the past, I have usually targeted these suggestions to older adults. But everyone who lives independently should obey the Boy Scout motto: Be prepared. And that means printing out copies of emergency information and informing friends, roommates and dormitory advisers where they can easily find it in an emergency.

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to the letter from "Teen-Age Aunt in Illinois," who felt guilty about reporting that she saw her sister's boyfriend hit her.

Seven years ago, 19 days before my eighth birthday, my sister was murdered by her boyfriend. Then he committed suicide. My sister loved him very much, but he didn't love her. They had two children.

He hit me only twice, but every time he hit my sister I would grab my niece and nephew and hide with them under the table. Once I almost called 911, but he left. I was afraid of him, but my sister made me promise not to tell anyone -- and I didn't.

I'm now 14, and we adopted my niece and nephew. I love them dearly, but I miss my older sister very much.

If only I had told my father what was going on, I might have saved my sister's life. I recently told my father what happened -- seven years too late. I regret that I didn't tell, and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

"Teen-Age Aunt" -- if you love your sister and your niece, please tell someone! -- REGRETFUL TEEN IN GEORGIA

DEAR REGRETFUL TEEN: Thank you for a powerful letter. You will never know how many lives you may have saved today by writing it.

Now, please accept some unsolicited advice: You were a small child when this tragedy occurred. You were doing what your sister asked you to do, and at the age of 7, you couldn't have been expected to be independent enough in your judgment to have done otherwise. If you cannot let go of your feelings of guilt, talking them out with a professional counselor would be helpful. As much as one might wish it, no one can change the past. We can only change the future.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)