DEAR ABBY: I am a female supervisor of a staff of 30. My friend "Diane," who is also the office manager, is my problem. She constantly entertains personal calls and is very loud. She's a smart lady, but her work isn't up to par. (She knows her job, but does it "at her convenience.") Diane is also very bitter because she hasn't received a promotion. She had been told many times by the head of the department and by me to curtail her personal calls and to be more careful with her work.

Recently I was forced to take a lengthy medical leave. Diane was wonderful, calling and coming to visit. But I have recently returned to work, and my boss has asked me to talk to her again about the antics I mentioned. I'm afraid if I do so, I'll damage our friendship. Please tell me how to diplomatically approach her. -- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE, BRONX, N.Y.

DEAR BETWEEN: As a supervisor, your first responsibility must be to handle the problems with the staff you supervise. While you are on duty, that responsibility must take priority over personal friendships, which are after-hours relationships.

Explain to your co-worker/friend that while you don't want to jeopardize the friendship, counseling your staff is part of your job. Tell Diane that you are calling her unacceptable practices to her attention so that she can meet company standards necessary for her to be successful. If you are tactful, she should be able to distinguish between your work relationship and your personal one.

DEAR ABBY: With the end of summer comes the time of year I dread the most -- the holiday season.

It isn't the holidays that get me down, it's the prospect of visiting my husband's family with our new baby girl. They are all lifelong smokers who think nothing of holding a baby and a lighted cigarette at the same time.

My sister-in-law's kids have allergies and asthma, but she smokes around them anyway. Parties at my in-laws' are literally a cloud of smoke. When my husband's family are guests in our smoke-free home, they smoke outside. These folks think that as long as the baby is away from the smoke, it won't affect her. They don't realize the smell lingers on them -- whether they're smoking in or outside.

With the colder weather approaching, all our visits will be indoors. Our daughter's pediatrician says no one is to smoke around her. My husband refuses to say anything to his parents about the smoke and insists we take our baby to their house. What can I do? Our daughter is only 6 months old, and exposing her to all that smoke scares me.

I should add that I get along well with my in-laws except for this one issue. Please tell me how to handle this. -- SMOKELESS BUT OUTNUMBERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SMOKELESS: Schedule a session with your baby's pediatrician and take your husband. He needs to be told by a professional that a smoke-free environment for your infant is "doctor's orders." Once he understands the importance of a smoke-free environment for the baby's health, the two of you can restrict the family visits at his parents' house and do it with a clear conscience.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 30s and have a disability. I live with my mother. The problem is, she belittles and shames me. It is bad enough to deal with schizophrenia without constantly being insulted.

I have heard her tell people that I have ruined her life. Abby, I have never been violent, I have always taken my medication, and I do practically everything in the home. I'm clean and neat, I don't party or do drugs, I don't drink or smoke, I have no children, I have never been promiscuous, and I am a Christian.

Mother tells people that when she dies, she knows that my older siblings will put me in a home. This is insulting, because I am intelligent and can handle my own affairs. It also hurts because it implies that no one cares about me. She has even said that the only reason people associate with me is because of her. (As though our family and friends belong only to her.)

What I have mentioned is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm so tired of being disrespected, but I have put up with it this long without offering a single word in my own defense. How should I go about letting my mother know that I deserve the same respect she so readily gives to everyone else? -- DISCOURAGED IN THE SOUTHEAST

DEAR DISCOURAGED: Since such a large part of your mother's existence revolves around being a "martyr mother," it probably won't be easy. Waste no time in enlisting some help. The psychotherapist who issues your prescriptions is in a position to advocate for you -- and to clarify for your mother and siblings the degree to which you are able to live on your own if and when the need arises.

In contrast to decades past, there is much information available about schizophrenia for anyone who is interested. The World Psychiatric Association sponsors a Web site, "Schizophrenia: Open the Doors" (www.openthedoors.com), and you can find referrals to local chapters of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) that provide emotional and educational support for people with -- and families of people with -- all the major mental disorders. The toll-free number is (800) 950-6264 (NAMI). The Web address is: www.nami.org.

Although you may feel isolated and all alone in your mental illness, nothing could be further from the truth. I urge you to reach out and join a support group of other people who are coping with the same problems you are. You will find it both encouraging and empowering. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: My problem concerns people who are chronically late. I'm talking about my mother-in-law. When she's invited for dinner or a family outing, I can count on her being the last to arrive -- 30 to 45 minutes late.

Meanwhile, my side of the family gets tired of waiting for her while dinner gets cold on the table. My husband (her son) insists that we wait until she arrives to begin eating, while I think we should go ahead and start without her. My husband says I am rude.

Abby, who is most rude -- my mother-in-law for showing up late, my husband for sticking up for her, or me for insisting that dinner be served on time, with or without her? -- TIRED OF TARDINESS, HURON, S.D.

DEAR TIRED: Instead of wasting your time debating who is the rudest, deal with the problem proactively. Since you know your mother-in-law is always 30 to 45 minutes late, invite her to dinner an hour earlier than you want her to arrive. That should solve the dilemma.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm going to be 65 soon. Yesterday I got a call from my daughter telling me: "Sorry, I'm going to be late with your birthday card again this year. I don't have time to get one. I'm really busy. We're working on the house, and I got a new job. I'll send you one in a few weeks." My daughter knows how much I love getting cards and being remembered. However, she thinks it's funny when she says, "I got your card, but I can't find a stamp. Maybe you'll receive it sometime next year."

Are there other daughters like mine, or is she the only one? I'd like other daughters and sons to know that when your mother is gone, she's not coming back. Take a little time now, while she's alive, to show her you love her. Thanks, Abby. -- SAD MOTHER IN TEXAS

DEAR SAD MOTHER: Yes, there are other daughters and sons like yours. And you're right, life isn't a dress rehearsal. Every moment is precious.

Knowing how you feel, your daughter appears to have a warped sense of humor and to enjoy withholding what makes you happy. You have described a person who thinks the world revolves around her.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 15-year-old daughter I'll call Anna. She's a good girl and has a very casual boyfriend, who is also 15. Occasionally they get together at our house to talk.

Anna and her dad think she should be able to visit with her boyfriend upstairs in her bedroom. I feel that even though their relationship is innocent, eventually Anna will become more interested in boys. Therefore, it's a good idea that all visitors of the opposite sex be entertained in a common living area -- like the living room, family room or kitchen. Then these kids can occasionally be checked on.

Abby, please let me know your opinion. -- NOT UPSET YET

DEAR NOT UPSET YET: I agree with you. There is less temptation when everything is out in the open.

DEAR ABBY: With regard to the column you printed about the woman who wore a tongue stud while being interviewed for a job:

As a teacher, I talk to classrooms of students about how they dress and what their attire conveys to the people who see them.

I ask these students: "When you see someone dressed like a policeman, what do you think that person does? When you see someone dressed like a nurse or a doctor, what do you think that person does? If you saw someone walk into a bank with a stocking pulled over his head, what would you think? How about when you see someone wearing a business suit?" etc. Finally, I ask, "What are you trying to say to people when you dress?"

What we wear is a statement to the people around us. How we dress, tattoo, pierce, style our hair and present ourselves is an expression of who we are, and a message to the people we encounter. Do not be defensive if they react to the message you are sending. -- LEA IN MINNESOTA

DEAR LEA: You make your point very well.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)