DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my family and I suffered a tragic loss. Our 11-year-old Pomeranian dog "Poofy" was injured in an accident and died several days later. Poofy had been my constant companion and best friend since we adopted him as a puppy. As a single woman, I thought of him as my only child. I am still under treatment for the depression caused by his unexpected death.

For two days after Poofy's death, I called into work and explained that I would be unable to come in because of a "death in the family." However, when my employer discovered that the deceased was not a human, everything at my workplace changed! I was given the worst assignments. Newcomers got the better duties. I was constantly yelled at even though I did my best wherever I was assigned. I was treated like a lazy good-for-nothing who had used a lame excuse to miss work. I was even officially reprimanded for my "misbehavior." Eventually I had to leave my job.

Abby, was I wrong to expect sympathy from my employer? -- STILL GRIEVING IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: No, you were not wrong to expect sympathy from your employer. However, you were wrong in not being up-front about exactly which family member had died when you requested time off. And you must also realize that the magnitude of your sorrow might not be understood by those who are not as devoted animal-lovers as you are.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old graduate student who had the misfortune of being in an auto accident that left me unable to walk for three weeks. Enduring the pain was difficult, but I could not believe the attitude some people displayed toward me. Whenever I went to the market or department store, I had to rely on wheelchairs or motor carts provided by the store. I encountered people who cut in front of me or gave me dirty looks because I was taking up too much room in the aisle. Some customers even cut in front of me in the only handicap checkout lane in the store.

Lucky for me my injury caused only temporary inconvenience, but many people must deal with these sorts of hassles all their lives. May I ask shoppers, through your column, to be a little more considerate of those who must use wheelchairs or electric carts while shopping? -- GRATEFUL TO BE WALKING NOW

DEAR GRATEFUL: You certainly may. Consider your experience a crash course in empathy. Thank you for sharing the lesson so that all of us can be a bit more considerate in the future.

DEAR ABBY: How long should a couple be married prior to having an anniversary party and renewing their vows?

When my husband and I married a little over four years ago, we were moving out of state in two months and had little time to plan the wedding. It was a lovely event, but modest due to time and money constraints. We agreed that at some point we would renew our vows and have the anniversary party of our dreams.

At the time of our marriage, many family members and friends were not at all sure our marriage was a good idea. Their concerns were not without merit, and we understood. However, we are happily married, have started a beautiful family, and we'd really like to celebrate by hosting a party for family and friends. We don't want any gifts.

Abby, is five years too soon, or is it better to wait until we've been married 10 or 15 years to celebrate? -- HAPPY COUPLE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR HAPPY COUPLE: Your fifth anniversary would be an ideal time to celebrate the success of your union. Go for it!

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a female supervisor of a staff of 30. My friend "Diane," who is also the office manager, is my problem. She constantly entertains personal calls and is very loud. She's a smart lady, but her work isn't up to par. (She knows her job, but does it "at her convenience.") Diane is also very bitter because she hasn't received a promotion. She had been told many times by the head of the department and by me to curtail her personal calls and to be more careful with her work.

Recently I was forced to take a lengthy medical leave. Diane was wonderful, calling and coming to visit. But I have recently returned to work, and my boss has asked me to talk to her again about the antics I mentioned. I'm afraid if I do so, I'll damage our friendship. Please tell me how to diplomatically approach her. -- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE, BRONX, N.Y.

DEAR BETWEEN: As a supervisor, your first responsibility must be to handle the problems with the staff you supervise. While you are on duty, that responsibility must take priority over personal friendships, which are after-hours relationships.

Explain to your co-worker/friend that while you don't want to jeopardize the friendship, counseling your staff is part of your job. Tell Diane that you are calling her unacceptable practices to her attention so that she can meet company standards necessary for her to be successful. If you are tactful, she should be able to distinguish between your work relationship and your personal one.

DEAR ABBY: With the end of summer comes the time of year I dread the most -- the holiday season.

It isn't the holidays that get me down, it's the prospect of visiting my husband's family with our new baby girl. They are all lifelong smokers who think nothing of holding a baby and a lighted cigarette at the same time.

My sister-in-law's kids have allergies and asthma, but she smokes around them anyway. Parties at my in-laws' are literally a cloud of smoke. When my husband's family are guests in our smoke-free home, they smoke outside. These folks think that as long as the baby is away from the smoke, it won't affect her. They don't realize the smell lingers on them -- whether they're smoking in or outside.

With the colder weather approaching, all our visits will be indoors. Our daughter's pediatrician says no one is to smoke around her. My husband refuses to say anything to his parents about the smoke and insists we take our baby to their house. What can I do? Our daughter is only 6 months old, and exposing her to all that smoke scares me.

I should add that I get along well with my in-laws except for this one issue. Please tell me how to handle this. -- SMOKELESS BUT OUTNUMBERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SMOKELESS: Schedule a session with your baby's pediatrician and take your husband. He needs to be told by a professional that a smoke-free environment for your infant is "doctor's orders." Once he understands the importance of a smoke-free environment for the baby's health, the two of you can restrict the family visits at his parents' house and do it with a clear conscience.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 30s and have a disability. I live with my mother. The problem is, she belittles and shames me. It is bad enough to deal with schizophrenia without constantly being insulted.

I have heard her tell people that I have ruined her life. Abby, I have never been violent, I have always taken my medication, and I do practically everything in the home. I'm clean and neat, I don't party or do drugs, I don't drink or smoke, I have no children, I have never been promiscuous, and I am a Christian.

Mother tells people that when she dies, she knows that my older siblings will put me in a home. This is insulting, because I am intelligent and can handle my own affairs. It also hurts because it implies that no one cares about me. She has even said that the only reason people associate with me is because of her. (As though our family and friends belong only to her.)

What I have mentioned is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm so tired of being disrespected, but I have put up with it this long without offering a single word in my own defense. How should I go about letting my mother know that I deserve the same respect she so readily gives to everyone else? -- DISCOURAGED IN THE SOUTHEAST

DEAR DISCOURAGED: Since such a large part of your mother's existence revolves around being a "martyr mother," it probably won't be easy. Waste no time in enlisting some help. The psychotherapist who issues your prescriptions is in a position to advocate for you -- and to clarify for your mother and siblings the degree to which you are able to live on your own if and when the need arises.

In contrast to decades past, there is much information available about schizophrenia for anyone who is interested. The World Psychiatric Association sponsors a Web site, "Schizophrenia: Open the Doors" (www.openthedoors.com), and you can find referrals to local chapters of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) that provide emotional and educational support for people with -- and families of people with -- all the major mental disorders. The toll-free number is (800) 950-6264 (NAMI). The Web address is: www.nami.org.

Although you may feel isolated and all alone in your mental illness, nothing could be further from the truth. I urge you to reach out and join a support group of other people who are coping with the same problems you are. You will find it both encouraging and empowering. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: My problem concerns people who are chronically late. I'm talking about my mother-in-law. When she's invited for dinner or a family outing, I can count on her being the last to arrive -- 30 to 45 minutes late.

Meanwhile, my side of the family gets tired of waiting for her while dinner gets cold on the table. My husband (her son) insists that we wait until she arrives to begin eating, while I think we should go ahead and start without her. My husband says I am rude.

Abby, who is most rude -- my mother-in-law for showing up late, my husband for sticking up for her, or me for insisting that dinner be served on time, with or without her? -- TIRED OF TARDINESS, HURON, S.D.

DEAR TIRED: Instead of wasting your time debating who is the rudest, deal with the problem proactively. Since you know your mother-in-law is always 30 to 45 minutes late, invite her to dinner an hour earlier than you want her to arrive. That should solve the dilemma.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)