DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Ruth," who is 80, my husband, "Clarence" (50ish), and I (40ish) all live in the same house. Ruth's husband died before Clarence and I were married. She sold her home and Clarence sold his so they could buy a house together.

My mother-in-law is a wonderful lady. However, she is a complainer. She becomes agitated over petty things. She also doesn't like for Clarence to criticize anything. (His style is more a commentary than criticism.) I don't think Ruth realizes how much complaining she does.

Even though we've repeatedly asked her not to, Ruth "sorts" through our mail and throws out important letters and catalogs she feels we don't need. (She has an obsession with frugality.)

Clarence is even more upset about her behavior than I am. He says if things don't change, he and I will be forced to move. What do you think we should do? -- FRACTURED FAMILY IN FLORIDA

DEAR FRACTURED: If this is relatively new behavior, Ruth may need a physical and mental exam to determine if she's experiencing dementia. However, if this is the way she normally acts, you and your husband are going to have to have it out with her -- and Clarence is going to have to tell his mother that if things don't change, the two of you will be moving. In the meantime, arrange to have all of your mail delivered to a post office box and don't give Ruth a key.

DEAR ABBY: It has been 15 years since our young son David asked us, while riding in the back seat of our car, "How do babies get into mommies' tummies?" My husband immediately said to me, "Honey, since you told our girls all about it before, you can tell David, too."

I retorted: "You're right. But they are girls. I'm sure it would be better for you -- his dad -- to tell our son." With that, his dad asked, "David, are you sure you want to know now?" David said, "Yes, Dad."

My husband then went into detail. I sat frozen, seat belt-bound, as the car and his words drove forward. When the lecture was finished, my husband said, "That's it, son."

Our 7-year-old boy began laughing so hard that we couldn't help laughing with him. When we finally settled down and could talk, we asked David what was so funny? Still chuckling, he replied, "OK, Dad. Now tell me the TRUTH." -- LINDA BRESSLER, TAMPA

DEAR LINDA: Sometimes truth may seem stranger than fiction, but your husband was right to answer your son's question fully and completely when he asked.

DEAR ABBY: I really enjoyed the response Patti Fairchild Bartee told you about in regard to sneezing: "Gesunheit" the first time, and "Gesundheit squared" when the sneezing continued.

It reminded me of a similar saying in the German immigrant community where I grew up near Strawberry Point, Iowa. After a person sneezed and was wished "Gesundheit" (health), the person who sneezed might reply, "Besser wie krankheit," which means, "Better than sickness!" Gesundheit to you, Abby. -- PASTOR OTTO ZWANZIGER (RET.), CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA

DEAR PASTOR ZWANZIGER: God bless you, too!

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Although I have read your column for years and have seen letters from women who have lived with controlling men, I can't remember reading letters about controlling women.

My ex-daughter-in-law, "Rita," could be the queen of mean. When she met my son, "Lee," he was a happy, popular and well-respected man with a good job. She made it plain after the wedding that her career came first and money was very important. She criticized his friends and made it uncomfortable when he would see them. Rita bought all his clothes. If he bought a shirt himself, she would complain. He would put it away just to keep peace.

Rita got an opportunity to move about 1,000 miles away. Since she made more money, Lee transferred and moved. I found out later she had solicited the job and insisted on the move to get him away from "bad influences" -- his friends and family. Rita and my son have a 5-year-old daughter, "Lily."

Visiting them was a nightmare. We had to watch whatever we said. We went to dinner one night at a medium-priced restaurant. When Lee picked up the check, Rita had a temper tantrum, saying they couldn't afford to treat people to meals. (They make more than $100,000 a year between them.)

Our son turned into a silent young man who was starting to drink too much. They had no friends, as Rita didn't like anyone Lee met. Lee liked basketball. Needless to say, she criticized the people he played with. You get the picture.

Last year, Lee walked out. He had had enough. He is staying in the same town because he wants to remain involved in his daughter's life. He is happier now than he has been in years. He has stopped drinking and has made friends who like to do what he does. Lee takes Lily every other weekend and does a lot of baby-sitting when Rita has to work overtime. Rita is a bitter lady who still has no friends.

Abby, please advise your readers that men aren't the only ones who can be controlling. I have seen firsthand what damage a woman can do. -- SEEN IT ALL IN ATLANTA

DEAR SEEN IT ALL: While I have never failed to acknowledge that women can be controlling or abusive, you are correct that more letters appear in my column about abusive men. That may be because men are conditioned not to complain when their feelings are hurt. Or that the abuse women suffer is more physical -- and verbal abuse is easier to hide.

Whichever type of abuse your son suffered, I'm pleased that he is free at last.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for publishing the letter from David S. Boyer, M.D., warning that early detection and treatment of diabetes can prevent eye disease and blindness.

In your response, you advised anyone with a family history of diabetes to have annual physical and eye examinations. While this is a good idea, it does not go far enough.

Half of the 10 million diabetics in the United States are unaware that they have this disease. Many diabetics have no family history. At this time, screening for diabetes is recommended every three years for everyone over the age of 45, regardless of family history -- and earlier and more often for people with specific risk factors such as obesity. -- PATRICK A. MAUER, M.D., LOS ANGELES

DEAR DR. MAUER: Considering the fact that many people are battling weight problems, I hope your letter will remind them that a talk with their physician about diet and exercise may be in order. Both can reduce a person's risk of developing diabetes.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in the hope you can help me figure out what I am feeling in my heart.

About a year ago, I started dating the most wonderful woman -- or so I thought. "Gloria" walked into my life and turned everything upside-down. We were both going through divorces.

When our divorces were final, I stopped having contact with my ex-wife. As my relationship with Gloria progresses, she keeps finding reasons to see her ex-husband. She says it's to keep an eye on what he is doing and to assure that she'll get the large sum of money he agreed to pay in their divorce settlement. Gloria goes on long weekend trips with him, and when I'm working at night, she goes to visit him.

Abby, where does this leave me? I love this woman very much and don't know what to do. -- LOST IN TENNESSEE

DEAR LOST: The divorce may be final, but Gloria's emotional connection to her former husband does not appear to be severed.

She may be terrific, but the woman you have described is not ready for another marriage, or even an exclusive relationship. Accept it, and move on.

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago you printed a letter from a woman who stood at her mother's casket and regretted not telling her mom how much she had meant to her. She urged others not to make the same mistake.

I thought long and hard about her letter. I realized she was right. It took days, but I composed a letter to my father who was dying of prostate cancer. In it, I made reference to happy events in the past, and thanked him for raising me, loving me and staying involved in my life. I sent the letter to my mother and asked her to read it to him. My father called me a few days later. We both cried over the phone. He died a short while later, but he lives forever in my heart.

Abby, please urge readers who are in similar circumstances to do the same. I cannot stress the feeling of peace I have knowing I told my father how much he meant to me -- while he was still alive. -- MAURICE L. TATE, MALDEN, MASS.

DEAR MAURICE: I'm pleased that a letter in my column helped you communicate your love and gratitude to your father before it was too late. I often advise people to write to loved ones and express those sentiments because their letters usually become priceless keepsakes.

DAR ABBY: I am going to ask my girlfriend to marry me. I need your advice on buying an engagement ring. I am opposed to the traditional diamond because of the high cost and low resale value.

Abby, can you recommend an alternative to a diamond? Is a simple gold band still popular? -- COST-CONSCIOUS IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR C.C.: Yes, but gold bands are customarily worn after the wedding. Nowhere is it written that an engagement ring has to be a diamond. (Paul McCartney and Prince Charles both gave their brides-to-be sapphire rings with small diamonds for contrast.)

Ask your girlfriend what her favorite stone is and tell her how you feel about diamonds. You may have more in common than you know.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)