DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Adrienne," is 20 and not very sociable. She doesn't have many friends.

Almost every time my wife and I go out to eat or go away for the weekend, my wife insists on taking Adrienne along because she doesn't want to leave her home.

Abby, our daughter should be out with friends -- not her parents. I would like to spend some time alone with my wife. How do you feel about this situation? -- FRUSTRATED IN LONG ISLAND

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your daughter is no longer a child; she's a young woman now. There is no reason why a 20-year-old cannot spend weekends at home without parental supervision. By insisting that Adrienne be consistently present when you go out to dinner or away on trips, your wife is discouraging intimacy with you and preventing her daughter from developing independence. As long as Adrienne is encouraged to lean on you for entertainment, she'll be less likely to forge friendships with contemporaries. Perhaps counseling will help to give her more confidence socially.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jamie," died earlier this year. My teen-age son, "Jamie Jr.," wants his father's military records. When I found them, I was shocked. Jamie got an honorable discharge from the U.S. Army, but he also appeared before a board of inquiry for striking an officer.

Jamie never disclosed this to me or any of his family. It would have been a disgrace. Jamie and our son had a very close relationship, and I don't want Jamie Jr. to be disillusioned and ashamed of his father now.

I am tempted to "lose" these records. What do you think? -- SURPRISED WIFE IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR SURPRISED WIFE: Give your son his father's military records. If you do, I can't help feeling your son will gain even more respect for his father. This is an excellent example of how people can change and grow, even though they may have made mistakes when they were younger.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating the sweetest man for about three months. "Danny" leaves me loving notes, draws me pictures, massages my back, and even makes my bed when I'm in the shower. He is without a doubt the most thoughtful man I've ever been with, and I have fallen for him hard.

There is one problem: Danny doesn't make much money. He works hard in his field, but it's either feast or famine.

I, on the other hand, earn a very substantial salary. I have been afraid to share this fact with Danny for several reasons. One, my career intimidated my previous boyfriend, and I don't want that to happen again. And, two, I'm very private about my assets anyway.

Abby, should I keep my income a secret from Danny, or is that considered "lying"? Can a relationship work between a man and woman who are miles apart on the income scale -- especially when the woman is the richer of the two? -- CONFUSED YOUNG WOMAN IN LOVE

DEAR CONFUSED: If Danny hasn't asked, I see no reason to discuss your finances prematurely. Yes, a relationship like yours can work. But only if the qualities each person brings to the relationship are considered equally important.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the letters you have printed about bullying. If an adult attacks an adult, the victim can call the police. If an adult attacks a child, the child can call the police. But if a child attacks or bullies another child, no adult will step in. The adults stand back and say things like, "They'll work it out," or, "It's part of growing up," or, "The bully must come from a broken home."

All violence is wrong. Kids will NOT work it out. Talking to bullies doesn't deter them any more than talking to fish stops them from swimming. Child psychologists need to remember that bullies do it because they enjoy it. Bullies bully because society allows them to. -- VETERAN OF THE SCHOOLYARD WARS

DEAR VETERAN: I agree that bullying must not be tolerated and must be dealt with on a proactive basis. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have zero tolerance for bullying. As a mother, foster mother and grandmother, when it happened in my family, a call to the principal describing the problem and insisting on a meeting with the bully's parents usually ended the problem. I always explained, both to the principal and the parent, that if the problem wasn't taken care of, I would press civil charges, and I meant it. If my child was causing the problem, I would see that it stopped.

Only once this didn't work -- when the bully's father was a policeman. On the second interview, I suggested to him, in my sweetest voice, that he was seriously damaging the chief of police's public relations program. That was the end of the problem. -- CAROL IN PASCO, WASH.

DEAR CAROL: Good for you. Making sure the school principal is aware of the problem is a must. Also, taking the time to document each incident is helpful should legal action be necessary. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I grew up in one of the most affluent cities in the country. My high school was one of the top 15. While I was bright academically, I was a loner. I was teased, taunted and physically bullied. Had I been wired just a little differently, I could have caused a bloodbath at my high school.

Instead, I turned all my anger inward and became bulimic and suicidal. My parents and the 12-step program of Overeaters Anonymous saved my life at age 16. I was lucky to find in O.A. a place filled with unconditional acceptance.

During those years, my high school saw two suicides and several suicide attempts, all from bright but alienated students. While teachers and administrators offered counseling about the suicides, they never addressed the core issues of bullying, teasing and labeling. Those suicides, like the homicides of the past several years, could have been prevented if people in authority had taken a stand for the health and well-being of the entire student body.

Since high school, I have become a much happier person. I have traveled in 30 countries, met and spoken with world leaders, enjoyed financial prosperity, friendship and love.

Please let your readers know that the various 12-step programs can be lifesaving resources not only for adults, but also for young people. They offer acceptance to alcoholics, drug users, obese teens, bulimics, anorexics, and even those with emotional difficulties but no substance addiction. -- FORMER OUTCAST

DEAR FORMER OUTCAST: Your letter illustrates that while the teen years may feel like a life sentence for some, there really is an end in sight -- a bright new beginning filled with hope. I'm pleased to spread your message. Twelve-step programs can be an excellent resource for teens and cost nothing to join.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a widower who enjoys maintaining contact with -- and occasionally entertaining -- the friends my wife and I shared before her death. At a dinner party I hosted last weekend, one of those friends nearly died.

This lovely lady, who has been a friend for nearly 20 years, is allergic to peanuts. With the exception of her husband, no one else at the party knew this. One of the appetizers I made that night was skewered chicken with a peanut dipping sauce. She sampled it and went into respiratory failure.

Fortunately, the paramedics were able to sustain her breathing until she could be rushed to the emergency room. Thank God she is recovering nicely.

Last night, I received a phone call from her daughter, who berated me for nearly "killing" her mother and threatened to sue me for negligence. Abby, I'll be honest. I didn't react to her accusations gracefully.

Another close friend is allergic to shellfish. My dinner companions and I make it a point to carefully isolate any shellfish dishes from other food being served when this friend is present. We know that even a bit of sauce dripped from a serving spoon that has come in contact with shellfish can create a health hazard for her.

She does her part by taking responsibility for herself. She doesn't hesitate to ask about each dish being served, so she'll know if one of them could cause an allergic reaction. If the lady with the peanut allergy had done this, she wouldn't have suffered a close call at my home last weekend.

Please warn your readers to be open about their food allergies. -- DON'T BLAME THE COOK, HI NELLA, N.J.

DEAR COOK: The woman's daughter was reacting out of fear, so I hope you weren't too hard on her. Your point about adults taking charge of their allergies is an important one.

DEAR ABBY: My cousin "Jenny" and I have always been close. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week. However, when it comes to phone etiquette, she's clueless -- and it's bugging the heck out of me.

When Jenny and I are on the phone, she constantly interrupts me by talking to her cats. These comments are not made because her pets are misbehaving. She'll start baby-talking to them for no reason while I'm in mid-sentence. In addition, I'm pretty sure she isn't listening to me half the time. If I ask a question, there's a dead silence until I ask her if she's still there.

On the other hand, when Jenny has a problem or wants to say something, she talks a mile a minute and gets annoyed if I don't catch it all.

Another thing: She calls me at work and expects me to have long, leisurely chats. When I try to explain that there's no way I can do that, Jenny gets huffy.

I'm not sure how to handle this. What should I do? -- QUESTIONING COUSIN IN PEORIA, ILL.

DEAR COUSIN: Your cousin's behavior is rude. By her actions, she is delivering a message that what you have to say isn't important to her. You're right -- dead silence when you ask her a question means her attention is elsewhere.

The next time Jenny talks to her pets while you are conversing with her, tell her you have to go -- and hang up. Ditto for her calls to you at work. Tell her to call back in the evening when you're not on company time.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)