DEAR ABBY: I am a 61-year-old widow in love with a 64-year-old man who is twice divorced. I'll call him Earl. I have always had a crush on Earl. We grew up in the same little town, but I thought -- and so did he -- that we were cousins. We're now retired and have returned to the small town where we were born.

We went out for the first time to do some research into our roots and were thrilled to discover that we weren't related after all. Earl made it clear at the time that he wanted to date me, but didn't want to get married. He said he was seeing a woman named "Lucy" from the state he'd lived in before he retired. They had dated for 15 years and he enjoyed her visits from time to time.

I was getting over a 15-year relationship and wanted some attention. I didn't want to get married either, so I thought I could handle the arrangement.

Well, Abby, four years have gone by. I love Earl very much. We spend at least five out of seven nights at his house and dine out together nearly every night. We have great fun. We socialize as a couple and go to the market, the beach and the flea market together. But when it's time for a visit from Lucy, Earl says, "I'm having company for the weekend. I'll call you when she leaves."

I can't handle it anymore. I almost lose my mind. I'm lost for things to do. I stay home and cry and obsess about whether he's making love to her the way he makes love to me.

Well, one weekend I lost it. I went to his house, rang the bell, and when he opened the door I walked in. Did I ever get a shock. I have met Lucy, and the woman sitting at the breakfast table wasn't Lucy. She introduced herself as Sybil. I turned around and left in tears. As I passed Earl at the door, he asked what that was all about. I told him to go to hell.

Three weeks went by. Earl never called so, of course, I called him and we got back together. Lucy still comes to visit -- and so does Sybil. In fact, Lucy is here for the weekend. That's why I'm writing to you.

Earl told me he's not in love with me. He says I'm the best sex partner he has ever had. He's also the best sex partner I have ever had. Is there any help for me? I love him. I have tried dating others. The entire time I'm out with them, I'm miserable and thinking of Earl. Right now, I can't wait for Lucy to leave so I can see him. -- CRAZY OLD LADY IN LOVE

DEAR IN LOVE: Come back to reality. What you are describing is not "love"; it's an exercise in masochism. Love is supposed to make you feel terrific, not jealous and miserable. Earl has been nothing but honest with you from the beginning. Variety is his spice of life. He's not going to change. Now you must decide whether or not the pleasure is worth the pain.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "John," was married before. His former wife, "Jane," still wears her wedding rings on her left hand. She also signs her name "Mrs." when she writes letters to the editor of our local newspaper. Even though he has asked her not to, she kept John's last name -- out of spite. This has caused a lot of problems because we live in the same town and go to the same church.

Abby, can you still use "Mrs." after you are divorced? -- THE REAL MRS. JOHN SMITH

DEAR MRS. SMITH: It all depends on how you use it. Your husband's former wife can call herself Mrs. Jane Smith if she wishes. But for her to call herself Mrs. JOHN Smith is improper and misleading because it implies she's still married to her former husband. Legally, you are the only Mrs. John Smith.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Every year, my husband and his co-workers get together for a holiday dinner at a nice restaurant. More than 20 of them participate. Most of the men are married, but most of the women who work there are single. The problem is that wives are not welcome at these parties.

My husband and I have been married two years. He says this is a nice tradition and that I shouldn't make waves about not being invited.

I can't believe the other wives are happy with this tradition, but to my knowledge, none of them openly object to it. Am I wrong to feel that both members of the couple should be invited to social functions? -- RESENTFUL IN SEATTLE

DEAR RESENTFUL: Yes, you are wrong. Your husband is an employee of the company and does not make the rules. Do not make him feel guilty for attending the dinner without you. These occasions are part of the job. There are plenty of other nights when you and your husband can enjoy a holiday dinner at a nice restaurant of your choosing. So please stop giving him heartburn.

DEAR ABBY: There are times when we all need a pick-me-up.

Yesterday I was having a terrible day. It just kept going downhill. I had spent several hours at my grandmother's nursing home, as I do every week. I enjoy being of service, but always leave with mixed emotions.

I made a quick stop at a department store to look for something new to wear. I found a beautiful pale blue dress that was a perfect fit. However, after I paid for it, I noticed that a section of the dress had separated due to some missing stitching. Just my luck. Then I remembered an alteration shop that had recently opened near my home and thought I'd give it a try.

The woman behind the counter admired the dress and assured me it would be no problem to fix. I sat for a few minutes while she mended my dress.

Well, she did more than that, Abby. That kind lady mended my heavy heart. When the dress was done, I grabbed my wallet to pay. She refused the money with a smile and said, "You pay next time" -- even though we both knew I wasn't a regular customer and there could very well never be a next time. Her act of kindness lifted me up when I needed a boost.

This is a reminder to people who may think that one simple act isn't all that monumental. I beg to differ. One simple gesture can turn someone's day around.

We can all do our part to make a gloomy day begin to shine by recognizing acts of kindness when we encounter them. There is a letter in the mail from me to the owners of that alteration shop, with a glowing report about their employee's generosity. -- PASS IT ON, FOLSOM, CALIF.

DEAR PASS IT ON: The lady in the alterations shop was more than a welcome ray of sunshine. She's an astute businesswoman with a flair for public relations. By making her gallant gesture, she assured that when you need alterations in the future, you'll consider her services. And I'll bet you have already mentioned her generosity to some of your friends and family.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: It's the time of year to consider what to buy people for Christmas gifts. As a senior who is also handicapped, I would like you to know about one of the nicest gifts I ever received.

Last year, my neighbors presented me with a calendar. They told me to circle one day each month when they could take me out to dinner. I selected the 15th. They pick me up and take me to a nice restaurant I could never afford. I greatly enjoy their company.

Each time I get into their car -- even in July -- I wish them a Merry Christmas. -- SENIOR IN RICHMOND HEIGHTS, OHIO

DEAR SENIOR: What a terrific idea. It seems no sooner are the dishes put away from Thanksgiving dinner than it's time to start Christmas and Hanukkah shopping. And that means it's time to publish my list of gift ideas for senior citizens.

Readers, if you plan on sending holiday gifts, first let me tell you what NOT to send. Forget the cologne, aftershave and dusting powders unless you have first checked to see if they are welcome. Scents are highly distinctive (no pun intended), and not every perfume works on every person.

Never give a pet to anyone unless you are absolutely certain the person wants one and is able to properly care for it.

Do not give wine or liquor to people unless you're sure they imbibe.

Candy, nuts, confections and fruitcakes make beautiful gifts for folks who aren't counting calories, but have compassion for those who are, and don't lead them into temptation.

With the price of groceries going through the roof, many people on fixed incomes would appreciate a gift basket of goodies. How about small cans of tuna and chicken? Also include crackers, assorted flavored instant coffees, herbal teas, soup mixes and cookies.

Gift certificates are always welcome: for groceries, haircuts, manicures, dry cleaning, restaurant meals, theater tickets, videos and department stores. And don't forget prepaid long-distance calling cards.

Not all seniors drive, so bus passes and coupons for senior transportation or taxis are always welcome.

Large-print calendars with family birthdays, anniversaries, etc., marked and personalized with family photos make useful gifts, as do large-print address books with information transferred from the recipient's records.

Payment of utilities for a month or two can be sent directly to the utility -- then let the recipients know they have "extra" money to spend as they wish.

A cordless phone or answering machine is a handy gift.

Membership in a gym if the person wants to exercise.

A magnifying glass.

A cuddly robe and slippers with non-skid soles.

Sweatpants, sweatshirts and jogging shoes.

For someone who has a pet, send it a treat -- a can of dog or cat food, or a rawhide chewstick or catnip toy.

A subscription to a magazine or newspaper you know the person will enjoy is a thoughful gift.

Because medications are expensive, a gift certificate to the neighborhood pharmacy would be much appreciated. (Trust me.)

Stationery and stamps come in handy year-round. If you send them, be sure to include felt-tipped pens, too.

Loneliness is the ultimate poverty. Holidays can be depressing for people who are alone. So, if you know someone who could use an outing, give him or her the best gift of all -- an invitation to have a meal with you and your family.

If you ain't givin', you ain't livin'!

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)