DEAR ABBY: Last summer, we visited my husband's out-of-state relatives, including his "Uncle Pete." Five years ago, Uncle Pete was diagnosed with schizophrenia and I don't know what else. He is receiving therapy and taking medication. To me, his behavior is still very strange.

During our visit, Uncle Pete mentioned that, in his opinion, our 8-year-old son displays signs of mental illness. I was speechless and didn't give him a chance to go into specifics. I explained that our son is OK, but shy around people he does not know well. Uncle Pete says it's a sign of anti-social behavior.

When we returned home, Uncle Pete sent us a book about children and mental illness. His note said he didn't want our son to have a miserable childhood like he had. My husband told me to write a note of thanks -- ignore it, and let it go. However, I plan to return the book and say, "Thanks, but no thanks, and please mind your own business!" I'm afraid if I don't put an end to Uncle Pete's meddling he will continue with his "mission."

Now I'm trying to figure out why this bothers me so much. I think it is the term "mental illness" and the stigma attached. How do we handle this uncle? -- ANGRY MOTHER IN TEXAS

DEAR ANGRY MOTHER: Your husband is half right. Keep the book, but DO read it. And thank Uncle Pete for being so concerned and caring, because that's the place he is coming from.

Please don't be put off by the term "mental illness." It's a broad definition that can cover problems both large and small, and it's no reflection on your parenting skills. However, mental illness can be genetic and run in families. So, as a wise mother, you should have your son evaluated, just in case Uncle Pete has spotted something that needs to be treated. If your son passes the exam with flying colors, you can then assure Uncle Pete that the experts say there's nothing to be concerned about. End of story.

DEAR ABBY: I need your help. I am being married next summer. I am 23 and have been with my fiancee since high school. She is very possessive and insecure. When we go out, I find myself looking at other women and wanting to be with them. I think she knows, because she gets an attitude and then tells me she wants to leave. She's older than I am and comes from a broken home. In the beginning, my parents hated her. That made me want her even more. Now she's like a habit.

I have no one to talk to about this. My parents have finally accepted her, and I feel trapped. Sometimes I think they just want me out of the house.

At this point, our plans are pretty much made. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel that she thinks my family is nice because hers is so messed up. She has very few friends.

I know this wedding is a mistake, but I don't have the guts to call it off. We were both lonely people, but now I am always miserable. If the wedding goes through, I know we're doomed. Please tell me what to do. -- NUMB IN NEW YORK

DEAR NUMB: It's going to take all the courage you can muster, but call off the wedding -- and the sooner the better so that some of the deposits for wedding expenses can be refunded.

While your fiancee's reaction won't be pleasant, trust me when I tell you that it would be worse -- and far more expensive -- if you back out of the union once you're married. And once children come along, you're tied to her for life.

You have a lot more maturing to do before you're ready for marriage. You need to become more confident in your choices, more in touch with your feelings, and independent of your family before making a lifetime commitment to anyone.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 61-year-old widow in love with a 64-year-old man who is twice divorced. I'll call him Earl. I have always had a crush on Earl. We grew up in the same little town, but I thought -- and so did he -- that we were cousins. We're now retired and have returned to the small town where we were born.

We went out for the first time to do some research into our roots and were thrilled to discover that we weren't related after all. Earl made it clear at the time that he wanted to date me, but didn't want to get married. He said he was seeing a woman named "Lucy" from the state he'd lived in before he retired. They had dated for 15 years and he enjoyed her visits from time to time.

I was getting over a 15-year relationship and wanted some attention. I didn't want to get married either, so I thought I could handle the arrangement.

Well, Abby, four years have gone by. I love Earl very much. We spend at least five out of seven nights at his house and dine out together nearly every night. We have great fun. We socialize as a couple and go to the market, the beach and the flea market together. But when it's time for a visit from Lucy, Earl says, "I'm having company for the weekend. I'll call you when she leaves."

I can't handle it anymore. I almost lose my mind. I'm lost for things to do. I stay home and cry and obsess about whether he's making love to her the way he makes love to me.

Well, one weekend I lost it. I went to his house, rang the bell, and when he opened the door I walked in. Did I ever get a shock. I have met Lucy, and the woman sitting at the breakfast table wasn't Lucy. She introduced herself as Sybil. I turned around and left in tears. As I passed Earl at the door, he asked what that was all about. I told him to go to hell.

Three weeks went by. Earl never called so, of course, I called him and we got back together. Lucy still comes to visit -- and so does Sybil. In fact, Lucy is here for the weekend. That's why I'm writing to you.

Earl told me he's not in love with me. He says I'm the best sex partner he has ever had. He's also the best sex partner I have ever had. Is there any help for me? I love him. I have tried dating others. The entire time I'm out with them, I'm miserable and thinking of Earl. Right now, I can't wait for Lucy to leave so I can see him. -- CRAZY OLD LADY IN LOVE

DEAR IN LOVE: Come back to reality. What you are describing is not "love"; it's an exercise in masochism. Love is supposed to make you feel terrific, not jealous and miserable. Earl has been nothing but honest with you from the beginning. Variety is his spice of life. He's not going to change. Now you must decide whether or not the pleasure is worth the pain.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "John," was married before. His former wife, "Jane," still wears her wedding rings on her left hand. She also signs her name "Mrs." when she writes letters to the editor of our local newspaper. Even though he has asked her not to, she kept John's last name -- out of spite. This has caused a lot of problems because we live in the same town and go to the same church.

Abby, can you still use "Mrs." after you are divorced? -- THE REAL MRS. JOHN SMITH

DEAR MRS. SMITH: It all depends on how you use it. Your husband's former wife can call herself Mrs. Jane Smith if she wishes. But for her to call herself Mrs. JOHN Smith is improper and misleading because it implies she's still married to her former husband. Legally, you are the only Mrs. John Smith.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

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DEAR ABBY: Every year, my husband and his co-workers get together for a holiday dinner at a nice restaurant. More than 20 of them participate. Most of the men are married, but most of the women who work there are single. The problem is that wives are not welcome at these parties.

My husband and I have been married two years. He says this is a nice tradition and that I shouldn't make waves about not being invited.

I can't believe the other wives are happy with this tradition, but to my knowledge, none of them openly object to it. Am I wrong to feel that both members of the couple should be invited to social functions? -- RESENTFUL IN SEATTLE

DEAR RESENTFUL: Yes, you are wrong. Your husband is an employee of the company and does not make the rules. Do not make him feel guilty for attending the dinner without you. These occasions are part of the job. There are plenty of other nights when you and your husband can enjoy a holiday dinner at a nice restaurant of your choosing. So please stop giving him heartburn.

DEAR ABBY: There are times when we all need a pick-me-up.

Yesterday I was having a terrible day. It just kept going downhill. I had spent several hours at my grandmother's nursing home, as I do every week. I enjoy being of service, but always leave with mixed emotions.

I made a quick stop at a department store to look for something new to wear. I found a beautiful pale blue dress that was a perfect fit. However, after I paid for it, I noticed that a section of the dress had separated due to some missing stitching. Just my luck. Then I remembered an alteration shop that had recently opened near my home and thought I'd give it a try.

The woman behind the counter admired the dress and assured me it would be no problem to fix. I sat for a few minutes while she mended my dress.

Well, she did more than that, Abby. That kind lady mended my heavy heart. When the dress was done, I grabbed my wallet to pay. She refused the money with a smile and said, "You pay next time" -- even though we both knew I wasn't a regular customer and there could very well never be a next time. Her act of kindness lifted me up when I needed a boost.

This is a reminder to people who may think that one simple act isn't all that monumental. I beg to differ. One simple gesture can turn someone's day around.

We can all do our part to make a gloomy day begin to shine by recognizing acts of kindness when we encounter them. There is a letter in the mail from me to the owners of that alteration shop, with a glowing report about their employee's generosity. -- PASS IT ON, FOLSOM, CALIF.

DEAR PASS IT ON: The lady in the alterations shop was more than a welcome ray of sunshine. She's an astute businesswoman with a flair for public relations. By making her gallant gesture, she assured that when you need alterations in the future, you'll consider her services. And I'll bet you have already mentioned her generosity to some of your friends and family.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)