DEAR ABBY: Last year, my brother "Devon" died after a long illness. He is survived by his wife, "Clarisse," and my two nephews. Devon and I were as close as a brother and sister could be. My husband was close to him, too.

Seven months after Devon's passing, Clarisse began dating "Tim." No one was overjoyed by this, but we knew that Clarisse had loved my brother and mourned deeply. We understood it was time for her to move on. We put our feelings aside.

The problem is, my daughter's birthday party is coming up soon. We are hosting a family party and inviting everyone, including Clarisse, Tim and the boys. My parents have expressed disappointment that Clarisse's boyfriend is being included and have informed us that they will not attend if Tim is there.

What should I do? Should I invite everyone, as my husband suggests, and let the chips fall where they may? Or should I respect the wishes of my parents and ask Clarisse not to bring Tim? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: If your parents object to Tim's presence only because they have difficulty accepting that Clarisse has moved on, then I see no reason to exclude him. While they have my deepest sympathy for the loss of their son, they have no right to dictate who should or should not be on your guest list or part of Clarisse's life.

DEAR ABBY: I am a high school senior. My boyfriend, "Corey," and I have been dating since ninth grade. I love him more than anything on Earth. Corey is like another son to my parents, and I feel close to his mother and eight brothers. I can't see myself with any other person.

Our school has a policy that allows seniors to use the loudspeaker system to dedicate birthday greetings to other students. My birthday was last week, and Corey got on the microphone. Instead of saying, "Happy birthday, sweetheart," he said: "To my girlfriend, my best friend, my skateboard buddy. I love you. You're 18, so no more waiting. What I really want to say, honey, is -- will you marry me?" I told him I needed a week to think about it.

The week is up. After asking opinions of my family and friends -- who all have given me a "thumbs up" -- I am still undecided. I know that I love Corey and we are a perfect couple, but I need just one more push in either direction so I can give him a definite answer. Help! -- HOPEFUL AND HELPLESS IN MISSISSIPPI

P.S. Corey said that if I say no, we'll still go out and everything will go back to normal.

DEAR HOPEFUL: A woman who is contemplating a decision as serious as marriage should not need a "push" in either direction. Tell Corey that you will consider his offer of marriage once you both have college behind you. Regardless of how much you and Corey may love each other, you shouldn't marry until you're both self-supporting.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "VIOLENT AND ASHAMED IN RICHMOND, IND.": You have already taken the first step by recognizing that your anger is out of control and asking for help. Please contact your county department of mental health. Tell them it is urgent that you see a counselor immediately and recount the incidents you described to me. You have begun the journey, and I wish you much success with treatment. It will change the lives of every member of your family for the better.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Scared and Alone in Britton, Mich." is NOT alone. Five years ago, I went through the exact same experience.

I, too, had been drinking heavily at a college party and was raped by a guy who had been my good friend for years. He was a close friend of my boyfriend's, and I didn't know to whom I could turn. So, like "Scared," I remained silent. I was afraid of what the guy might do to me and of what people would think. I thought if I told, I'd lose my friends.

Sadly, I lost my friends anyway. After the rape, I lost my ability to trust people or let anyone get close to me. I became unable to open up to people without thinking they had some hidden agenda. My friends didn't know what was wrong with me, and they didn't stick around to find out. I was lost and alone.

I want to tell "Scared" from personal experience: TELL SOMEONE WHAT HAPPENED RIGHT AWAY! Go to a support group. Share your experience. Call your friend and tell her. Call a hotline if you wish to remain anonymous. If you don't, you'll have difficulty making and keeping relationships for the rest of your life.

I finally received help, and now, five years later, I have found a wonderful, patient man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't have done it if I hadn't spent time talking with a counselor and meeting others who have gone through similar experiences. It's not your fault. You are not alone. The sooner you share your experience, the faster you'll heal. -- LIVING AND LOVING AGAIN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR LIVING AND LOVING: Bless you for writing. A 1998 Centers for Disease Control Study revealed that one woman in six in the United States is a victim of rape or attempted rape. Eighty percent of rapes are acquaintance rapes.

Assault victims: Please don't be afraid to speak up. People are waiting to help you. If you wish to remain anonymous, go to the Internet and visit www.911rape.org to learn about your options. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Scared and Alone" has plenty of company. Five months ago, I got drunk at my graduation party and was raped by my friend's brother-in-law. He called me two days later, and my sister overheard my end of the conversation when he denied raping me. When she confronted me, I burst into tears and told her everything. She told our parents for me and we all went to the police.

"Scared" must understand that everyone makes mistakes. But that doesn't give anyone the right to take advantage of that mistake and commit a crime against you. There is no doubt in my mind that my attacker had done this before and would have done it again. Believe me, it is a wonderful feeling to know that because of my actions, he'll never put anyone else through what I endured. -- NO LONGER ALONE IN MISSOURI

DEAR NO LONGER ALONE: Bravo! The attacker has power over his victim only if that person remains silent. To paraphrase an old saying, "Speak the truth and the truth shall set you free."

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Last summer, we visited my husband's out-of-state relatives, including his "Uncle Pete." Five years ago, Uncle Pete was diagnosed with schizophrenia and I don't know what else. He is receiving therapy and taking medication. To me, his behavior is still very strange.

During our visit, Uncle Pete mentioned that, in his opinion, our 8-year-old son displays signs of mental illness. I was speechless and didn't give him a chance to go into specifics. I explained that our son is OK, but shy around people he does not know well. Uncle Pete says it's a sign of anti-social behavior.

When we returned home, Uncle Pete sent us a book about children and mental illness. His note said he didn't want our son to have a miserable childhood like he had. My husband told me to write a note of thanks -- ignore it, and let it go. However, I plan to return the book and say, "Thanks, but no thanks, and please mind your own business!" I'm afraid if I don't put an end to Uncle Pete's meddling he will continue with his "mission."

Now I'm trying to figure out why this bothers me so much. I think it is the term "mental illness" and the stigma attached. How do we handle this uncle? -- ANGRY MOTHER IN TEXAS

DEAR ANGRY MOTHER: Your husband is half right. Keep the book, but DO read it. And thank Uncle Pete for being so concerned and caring, because that's the place he is coming from.

Please don't be put off by the term "mental illness." It's a broad definition that can cover problems both large and small, and it's no reflection on your parenting skills. However, mental illness can be genetic and run in families. So, as a wise mother, you should have your son evaluated, just in case Uncle Pete has spotted something that needs to be treated. If your son passes the exam with flying colors, you can then assure Uncle Pete that the experts say there's nothing to be concerned about. End of story.

DEAR ABBY: I need your help. I am being married next summer. I am 23 and have been with my fiancee since high school. She is very possessive and insecure. When we go out, I find myself looking at other women and wanting to be with them. I think she knows, because she gets an attitude and then tells me she wants to leave. She's older than I am and comes from a broken home. In the beginning, my parents hated her. That made me want her even more. Now she's like a habit.

I have no one to talk to about this. My parents have finally accepted her, and I feel trapped. Sometimes I think they just want me out of the house.

At this point, our plans are pretty much made. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel that she thinks my family is nice because hers is so messed up. She has very few friends.

I know this wedding is a mistake, but I don't have the guts to call it off. We were both lonely people, but now I am always miserable. If the wedding goes through, I know we're doomed. Please tell me what to do. -- NUMB IN NEW YORK

DEAR NUMB: It's going to take all the courage you can muster, but call off the wedding -- and the sooner the better so that some of the deposits for wedding expenses can be refunded.

While your fiancee's reaction won't be pleasant, trust me when I tell you that it would be worse -- and far more expensive -- if you back out of the union once you're married. And once children come along, you're tied to her for life.

You have a lot more maturing to do before you're ready for marriage. You need to become more confident in your choices, more in touch with your feelings, and independent of your family before making a lifetime commitment to anyone.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)