DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have worked hard all our lives and raised three wonderful children. She's retired now, but still works part time at another job. I plan to retire in three years. We are at a point in our lives that we can take weekend trips and one or two vacations a year. It's our way of unwinding and enjoying each other.

The problem? My mother. Dad died a few years ago and Mom thinks everyone should think only of her. I am the oldest of three brothers and, trust me, Abby, all of us in the family do far more for her than most families would. That doesn't stop Mom from throwing hints around about feeling left out when my wife and I don't include her in our getaways.

Mom is on the go all the time, but to hear her tell it, she sits at home by herself day after day. When we call her, all she does is complain that no one ever calls or comes to see her. Nothing could be further from the truth. We have a schedule so that someone in the family calls her every morning and afternoon. Help! -- FRUSTRATED SON IN NASHVILLE

DEAR SON: Your mother may be shoveling the guilt your way, but why are you taking it to heart? Complaining may be her way of making conversation. Don't make excuses and don't take it personally. And if you want to include her occasionally, by all means do so.

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful woman with an adorable, energetic 3-year-old daughter.

My concern is my wife's mother, "Julia." She's a fine mother/mother-in-law, and the greatest grandmother in the world, but she harbors an intense dislike for my wife's ex-husband, "Trevor." Every time Trevor's name is mentioned, Julia says something negative about him. She refuses to talk to him or be in his presence. If she happens to be at our home when Trevor comes to pick up his daughter for visitation, she'll leave the room and go to a back bedroom.

Everyone in the family has discussed this with Julia, including my wife's grandmother. However, every time we raise the subject, she becomes angry at us.

While my wife and her ex were not good as a couple, this man has been nothing but a loving, patient and supportive father. He shows up on time, almost never cancels, pays his child support in full -- and my stepdaughter is always excited to see him.

My concern is that my mother-in-law's anger toward Trevor will eventually confuse my stepdaughter. Although she is young now, there will come a time when she'll be old enough to know something is wrong. What can be done, Abby? -- JEFF IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR JEFF: Lay down the law to Julia. Tell her she must keep her feelings about the child's father to herself. There is no reason the child should be subjected to this. If Julia cannot comply, she should plan ahead to be elsewhere when visitation is scheduled.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old woman who enjoys singing, crafts and working with children. I appear normal and I'm almost always pleasant. Why do I make that statement? Because I have a mental illness, and there is still a stigma. People sometimes feel uneasy when with me. While over the years the stigma has lessened, it still remains to some degree. I have been treated like a child, been the topic of gossip, lost friends in the church, and have been feared and ostracized because of my illness.

After a few dates with a man, I feel I must disclose that I have some emotional problems -- including bipolar disorder. My date invariably reacts like he's trapped in the car with a rabid animal. Abby, I am NOT crazy, dangerous or contagious! The men I date don't have to be afraid of me. However, when the truth comes out, my gentlemen friends run like scared rabbits. It's very hurtful. I want to be treated with understanding and respect, not punished for an illness I didn't ask for.

How nice it would be to have a male friend who doesn't back away because of misinformation about mental disorders. Please ask your readers to give people with mental illness time to prove they are not monsters, just people who, for the most part, lead normal lives and have needs, wishes and feelings like everyone else. -- HOPEFUL IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HOPEFUL: It is true that many people are still ignorant about mental illness, and therefore harbor stigmatizing attitudes about it. It's ironic because one of the most widely prescribed medications in this country is Prozac.

In your zeal to be up-front, it's possible that you are telling your male friends too soon about your bipolar disorder. It might be wiser to wait until they get to know you better before disclosing that fact -- at which time you can recommend they read one or two excellent books about bipolar that are available in paperback: "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison and "A Brilliant Madness" by Patty Duke and Gloria Hochman. Both illustrate that, with treatment, a person with bipolar disorder can be productive and successful.

You are obviously intelligent and well-educated. You are in a unique position to educate others about mental illness -- and if you do so, it will go a long way toward helping you to feel stronger and more self-confident.

A therapist recently told me about a patient who got her church to start a committee on mental health. Then she asked the minister to feature mental illness at one of his sermons in his "day of caring" series, which featured topics like homelessness and migrant workers. Before the sermon, she stood up in front of the congregation and shared her own succesful treatment story. The therapist attended the services, too, and was available to answer questions between services. What a noble way to use the pulpit -- not only to educate the congregation, but also to advocate for enlightenment on a subject where not enough light has yet been reflected.

DEAR ABBY: I had to smile when I read the letter from "Stephanie in Delaware," about how an unexpected compliment in her ninth-grade math class made a difference in her life. It brought back a memory from my school days back in the '50s.

By far the best compliment I ever received, and one I'll remember the rest of my life, was from my ninth-grade music teacher. He reached out one day and took hold of my ear, wiggled it gently and said, "Don't ever lose that ear -- it's worth a million bucks!"

My teacher's name was Henry Brubeck (older brother of jazz great Dave Brubeck). -- DAVID S. OLSEN, LOMPOC, CALIF.

DEAR DAVID: He not only had an ear for music, he had perfect pitch with words.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been engaged for 18 months, and we still have not set a wedding date. Every time I talk to my fiance about it, he suggests we elope to Australia or something. At first, it was because of his job. When I finally pinned him down about what was bothering him, he confessed that he absolutely does not want a wedding reception. He wants to marry me, but he wants it to be just the two of us. No guests.

Abby, the irony of it is that I am a professional wedding planner. My dream is to have the wedding I have always pictured. I want about 100 friends around me at this important time. However, my fiance cannot stand to be the focus of attention, and he says he would be miserable if I make him go through with it.

I tried to draw an analogy by asking him how he would feel if I told him he could not be a policeman anymore because I would be miserable. He says it's not the same because that is his job. Well, I am a professional wedding planner and coordinator. This would be MY ultimate dream job. Please don't tell me to scale down the wedding -- it is not possible to invite one cousin and explain you cannot invite the other, etc. I'm at a loss about what to do. -- FRUSTRATED IN TEXAS

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I have good news and bad news. The good news is I'm not going to tell you to scale down the wedding. The bad news is I think you should rethink marrying your fiance at all. A man would have to have his head encased in concrete not to know that a woman's wedding day is one of the most important events of her life. As a professional event coordinator, your life revolves around social events.

Please think beyond the wedding to birthdays, anniversaries, events around babies -- all the occasions you will want to mark with a celebration. He won't want to participate, and if he does, he won't enjoy it. You two can try counseling and perhaps compromise. But will you be happy with someone who is so introverted and self-centered? Only you can answer that one.

DEAR ABBY: My husband rejects my romantic overtures, my attempts at conversation or a social life with him, and any efforts to discuss our few disagreements. (We almost never argue because he often refuses to talk or even reply to my greetings.) He also refuses counseling of any kind and rejects literature on relationships or depression.

Abby, please tell your readers to run, don't walk, away from a man who's been divorced more than once. There's a reason why he's single. I trusted his version of how his past marriages fell apart. I trusted that his courting behavior was the real him. Wrong. It was just dating behavior. The happy part of our marriage lasted only a few months. His ex-wives must be laughing at me because I've discovered what they knew years ago. I am intelligent, capable and educated -- and still I made a profoundly stupid mistake when it came to love. -- DISILLUSIONED IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: Please don't be so hard on yourself. Intelligence, education and competence do not guarantee that a person of either sex will automatically choose the right spouse. And why do you think your husband's former wives are laughing at you? If anyone can empathize with your unhappiness, they can.

Since your husband refuses counseling and is unwilling to work on your marriage, go without him -- if only to understand why you have tolerated this hostile living arrangement for as long as you have. After that, you'll know what to do.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)