DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl and a pretty good student. My problem: I have friends who like to drink and do drugs. While I have no interest in getting caught up in that stuff, I don't want to lose their friendship.

They know I won't hang with them when they're drunk or high on something. I've told them that numerous times, and they know how I feel.

Abby, I've grown up with these kids. They mean a lot to me. Can you please give me some advice so they'll stop these bad habits before it's too late and something really tragic happens? -- WORRIED IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR WORRIED: It's painful to see people you care about do risky things, but your friends must decide for themselves about their alcohol and drug use. However, you can get information to help them understand the many serious consequences of substance abuse. The National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information has a series of "Tips for Teens" brochures about alcohol, tobacco and drugs, and other free materials. You can call the organization toll-free at (800) 729-6686 or visit the Web site at www.health.org.

Whether your friends are willing to learn and reconsider their current choices is up to them, but you will have offered them sound information to help them make their decision.

You could also send a confidential letter to your school principal suggesting the school sponsor an assembly about drug and alcohol addiction. If possible, the assembly should include personal testimonials and warnings from older teens and young adults who have conquered their habit. I can't imagine a more powerful motivator for your friends and other young people to avoid the pitfalls of addiction.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s, the eldest of five children. (The youngest is 10.) My parents have been married 35 years.

A few months ago, my younger brother and mother discovered evidence that my father was having an affair. Dad denied everything. My mother is bitter and refuses to get counseling. She makes remarks about my father such as, "I couldn't care less about him, but divorce is out of the question because I need the money." She's also said, "I just wish he would die."

I understand that Mother is hurt and frustrated, but Dad is still my father and Mom's attitude hurts me as well.

Since this happened, I broke my engagement to a wonderful man I was to marry this month. Now I'm wondering if I called it off because of my parents' problems. I feel as though I am the parent to them, Abby.

My family reads your column, so I'm asking you to please advise us. -- MY PARENTS' PARENT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR PARENTS' PARENT: I cannot advise your parents, because they didn't ask me for advice. However, your life is just beginning, and you must live it for yourself. You need counseling to help you emotionally separate from your parents and their marital problems, which only they can resolve.

Now, pick up the phone and call your former fiance. It may not be too late to get your relationship back on track.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your advice was on target to "Grandmother of Five in North Texas," who warned the woman on her cell phone in the restaurant that important information overheard by the wrong person could endanger her daughters at home.

My wealthy uncle was dining out with friends one night when he mentioned an upcoming trip out of town. He also shared a funny anecdote about his housekeeper, and a story about how the cleaners had ruined his favorite suit. Little did he know the man in the next booth was a drug addict and was hearing every word he said.

The eavesdropper followed my uncle home to find out where he lived, then returned when he knew my uncle would be out of town. The man acquainted himself with the housekeeper by teasing her about the funny incident my uncle had mentioned -- and brought over a suit he claimed the cleaners had repaired. He told the housekeeper he had been invited by my uncle to stay a few days, and she fell for it!

He then took over the house, and when a neighbor grew suspicious and called the police, the intruder convinced them the house was his and that my uncle was delusional and had been hassling him.

My uncle finally had to go to court to prove the house was his. By that time, the addict had nearly destroyed the house and had wrecked my uncle's car. Believe me, Abby, the worst CAN happen. A house and car can be repaired, but precious children cannot. Sign me ... CAUTIOUS IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR CAUTIOUS: That's a chilling story. However, not all of my readers viewed that letter from the same perspective. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Grandmother of Five in North Texas" was surprised that the woman cell phone talker, her husband, and "Grandmother's" own husband were upset with her for speaking up. She asked, "Don't people care about one another anymore?" Something I have never seen in your column is a principle I learned many years ago and teach to my psychotherapy clients: "Help that isn't asked for never works."

Unsolicited advice -- no matter how well-meaning -- usually flies back in a person's face if he or she doesn't have agreement from the receiver that the help is wanted. An easy way to determine if it IS wanted is to say something like, "I have some feedback for you -- would you like to hear it?" If the other person says anything other than a clear "yes," consider it a "no" and do not offer it.

We all learn through experience. Some people derive more from experience in their learning process than others. The woman in the restaurant clearly did not want "Grandmother's" help. Since she is good at writing, perhaps a better thing for her to do next time would be to submit a letter to the editor of her local newspaper.

"Grandmother's" insight was helpful to me -- I learned something I never considered before. However, she needs to stop wasting good information on those who don't want it. -- ILENE L. DILLON, L.C.S.W., KENTFIELD, CALIF.

DEAR ILENE: You're absolutely right. And I particularly like your suggestion about writing a letter to the editor to warn others if the situation warrants it. For another "take," read on:

DEAR ABBY: The grandmother's tale reminded me of the story about a man driving from Toronto to Quebec who stopped at a rest stop.

When he entered the men's room, he saw that the first stall was taken, so he proceeded to the second and was no sooner seated than he heard someone in the next stall call out, "Hi, how 'ya doin'?"

The traveler, not used to conversing with strangers in rest rooms, replied hesitantly, "Not bad." The stranger then asked, "What have you been up to?" The traveler answered, "Well, like you, I'm driving east."

A moment later he heard the stranger in an irritated voice say, "Look, I'll call you right back -- some idiot in the next stall is answering all the questions I'm asking YOU!" -- ANOTHER TEXAN

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I was adopted at birth, 34 years ago. My adoptive parents always told me I was adopted. They also told me that I was lucky they took me because nobody else wanted me, and "that girl" who gave birth to me abandoned me at the hospital.

All my life they made sure I knew I was no catch, and my father told me as a child that if anyone else had adopted me, they would have given me back as soon as it turned daylight.

Then last year a miracle happened. My birth mother found me. We talked on the phone, and she came for a visit. Abby, she is the sweetest woman I have ever met. She was only 15 when she gave birth to me, and she placed me for adoption in the hope that I would have a better life than the one she could offer.

The closer my birth mother and I become, the larger the rift has become between me and my adoptive parents. They continue to say terrible things about her. I haven't introduced them because I'm afraid they would say or do something to either embarrass me or hurt my birth mother's feelings. They still refuse to call her by name.

It's getting to the point that I don't even want them around. My husband says if they bother me that much, I should tell them not to come over any more. I won't have a problem with that, as I have very few feelings left for them. I'm glad I finally found the mother I always wanted -- and the one who always wanted me. -- BIRTH MOTHER'S DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: You are no longer a child. At 34 years of age, your childhood is behind you. If your birth mother is the mother you always wanted, then cherish your newfound relationship.

Your adoptive parents may call you ungrateful, but please remember that THEY are the ones who should have been grateful to have YOU -- and they had no right to make the hurtful comments that haunt you to this day.

DEAR ABBY: Upon entering a relationship that has the possibility of becoming a lifetime involvement, when should a senior widower disclose to his potential future mate that, due to medical reasons, he'll be unable to fulfill any "bedroom responsibilities"?

Should discreet disclosure be offered before any close feelings develop, or should the subject wait -- however long -- until intimacy becomes the obvious natural progression?

Clearing the air early would give the lady an opportunity to amicably end the relationship. On the other hand, if I delay too long, a decision might never be required! Your thoughts, please. -- SPOKESMAN FOR MANY UNSURE GUYS IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR UNSURE: There is a difference between clearing the air early and making a premature announcement. Wait until you know the lady well enough to discuss the subject of sex without embarrassment to either of you. According to my mail, although many women are interested in a sexual relationship, not all are.

P.S. I don't know how long it has been since you discussed this subject with your doctor, but you should know that in recent years there have been many advances made in the area of male sexuality.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)