DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to "Jeff in South Carolina," whose mother-in-law makes negative comments about her daughter's ex-husband. Jeff is concerned that his mother-in-law's attitude will confuse his wife's little girl. I think Jeff is right -- and I speak from experience.

My parents divorced when I was 7. I was crushed. What made it worse was my mother constantly bad-mouthing my father. He wasn't perfect by any means, but he is a good man and he loves me. Whenever I was with my mother, she made me feel guilty for loving him. It was as if I were doing something wrong and should feel ashamed. (My father never spoke ill of my mother, and now that I am an adult, I respect him for it.)

Abby, a person who berates a child's mother or father causes the child emotional pain. Perhaps if Jeff's mother-in-law sees this letter, she'll rethink her behavior and put the emotional well-being of her granddaughter ahead of her personal feelings. -- T.M. IN N.J.

DEAR T.M.: I certainly hope so. And because this is a common problem, I hope it will cause other parents and in-laws to also rethink their behavior. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My brother and I were 15 and 17 when my parents divorced. Our parents felt we were adults, so we did not receive support or attention from either one. I would hear bad things about my father from my mother's family. They did not want me to love him.

The ex-son-in-law may not have been a gem of a husband, but he rates an "A" as a responsible, caring parent. At one time, I was a probation officer dealing with child support cases, and I can tell you from professional experience, he is rare.

Out of more than 10,000 cases per year in my district, only a small percentage of noncustodial parents take their responsibility seriously. Many couples use their children as weapons to get back at each other.

That mother-in-law needs her head examined. Jeff is a good stepfather. The child deserves the love, care and support of both of her parents whether they live in the same house or not.

It would be a shame for any child to grow up hating his or her father -- and not understanding why. Perhaps Jeff's mother-in-law should be banned from seeing her granddaughter until she understands the situation does not revolve around her. -- LOVING THEM BOTH ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR LOVING: That's strong medicine, but it might be effective.

DEAR ABBY: In many parts of the country, "divorce impact classes" are offered in community colleges for divorcing couples. Please suggest that mother-in-law attend some of them so she can understand how her anger and resentment negatively impact her granddaughter. -- A PARENT IN FLORIDA

DEAR PARENT: Good suggestion. I did not know such classes were available.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married for the second time. Are my parents still obligated to pay for the wedding? -- SECOND-TIME ROSE

DEAR ROSE: Nowhere is it written that the bride's parents MUST pay for even the first wedding. A wedding is a gift. This time you're on your own.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A recent letter in your column misquoted information from one of my publications, "Medical Examination of Sports Scuba Divers." Nowhere in my study is it stated that the chronic conditions mentioned (such as asthma, diabetes, headaches, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease, valvular heart disease, congenital heart disease, etc.) are prohibitions against sport diving.

We have established physical standards for sport divers, and these accommodate many people with chronic illnesses who wish to participate in this sport.

Information about diving with chronic illness can be found at www.scubamed.com. Thanks for getting the word out, Abby. Your advice regarding proper training and certification is appreciated. -- DR. ALFRED BOVE, PHILADELPHIA

DEAR DR. BOVE: Thank you for correcting the error. You are not the only expert I heard from. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to Sarah Moody's letter about her son who died tragically of an asthma attack while scuba diving, Ms. Moody did not mention the organization that trained her son for diving, or if he had been certified.

It should be noted that all major certifying organizations (NAUI, PADI, SSI, YMCA) screen scuba students up front and exclude from training anyone with medical conditions considered "absolute contraindications." While scuba diving is not inherently dangerous, it involves certain risks and physical demands. Anyone who wants to experience the fun of scuba diving needs proper training from a reputable certifying agency, and -- as with any new physical activity -- should have a doctor's OK before doing so. -- SKIP POLLARD, SCUBA INSTRUCTOR, FORT LAUDERDALE

DEAR SKIP: That's practical advice, and it could save a life if it's heeded.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl. Recently a boy I know was shot while standing in front of a movie theater with a bunch of us kids from school.

We didn't know that a gang member was standing close by him. Suddenly, a car came speeding by. Members of a rival gang opened fire on the gang member, aiming an automatic weapon out the window of the car.

Not only did the spray of bullets kill the gang member, but the gunfire also went beyond him and hit my 12-year-old friend, who had no connection whatsoever with either gang.

Not long after the attack on the World Trade Center, I heard someone from another country say on TV that Americans don't know what it's like to have a war going on in their own country. Those words made me furious.

I think someone should take that person to the spot where my friend was gunned down. There are still bloodstains on the sidewalk.

We Americans know all too well what it's like to have a gang war going on in our streets. It has been going on for years -- and is still going on, even as I sit here writing this letter. Just sign me ... FURIOUS IN TENNESSEE

DEAR FURIOUS: I wish there was a simple answer to the problem of gangs and violence, but there isn't. The causes are complex and varied. However, this nation needs to pay more attention to -- and allocate more funds for -- youth programs that strengthen the family. I know it's not the answer, but it would be a good start.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged female office worker who has a big problem with one of my two bosses, "Mr. X." I have no respect for him. He frequently views pornography on my computer and isn't very adept at covering his tracks. Sometimes I suspect he actually WANTS me to know what he's up to.

Twice this man has left disks behind containing X-rated material, and I've seen vast numbers of X-rated Web site titles that he apparently visits almost daily -- either before I arrive or after I leave the office.

Upon returning to my cubicle after lunch last week, I actually caught Mr. X viewing porn at my desk. In his haste to get rid of it, he accidentally minimized the photo he'd been viewing, rather than closing it out -- which left me stuck with having to delete it. (I have always deleted these items when I discovered them.)

I think Mr. X's behavior is extremely creepy. I almost feel like I'm being sexually harassed. What should I do, Abby? Should I confront him, talk to my other boss (who is clueless to the problem), consult an attorney or continue keeping my head in the sand? I'd look for another position, but with the exception of the porn problem, I love my job and don't want to lose it. Sign me ... SADDENED BY SLEAZE

DEAR SADDENED: It's time to draw the line and protect yourself. Start by telling the other boss what is going on. Make it clear that you are not the person visiting those sites, and that finding evidence that they are being viewed on your computer makes you uncomfortable. That may put an end to the problem. If it doesn't, document each incident in writing and log off the computer when you are not at your desk. If the problem persists, that may be the time to consult an attorney and look for another job.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Nick," has been acting strange. I think he may be having an affair.

Until recently, he showed little interest in our family dog, "Trixie." However, lately he has offered to walk Trixie every night. Some nights they are gone for two hours.

Last night, when I went outside to put something in the mailbox, I found Trixie tied to a tree across the street. Nick was nowhere in sight.

What do you think I should do? -- WORRIED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WORRIED: Untie Trixie and let her lead you to your wandering spouse. I suspect that when you find out what he's been up to, the one in the doghouse will be Nick.

DEAR ABBY: Is there such a thing as "real love"? You know, the kind where you never feel complete unless your partner is there? I read books about this kind of love. I see movies about it and hear songs, but I have never experienced it.

I am not a teen-ager, Abby. I am 47 years old and wonder if I have missed out. -- WONDERING IN IOWA

DEAR WONDERING: You haven't missed out. What you have described sounds more like co-dependence than "real love."

Kahil Gibran said it best in his book, "The Prophet": "... stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)