DEAR ABBY: I received the enclosed "memo" from a friend. When I read it, I was floored. Once you read it, I'm sure you'll understand why. What's your take on this? -- AGAPE IN SYRACUSE, N.Y.

DEAR AGAPE: If the document you sent me is on the level, the bride-to-be appears to have an abundance of unresolved control issues and an astounding lack of tact. Read on:

MEMO TO MY ATTENDANTS: Hey, girls! Mom has your dresses for the wedding. She'll bring them to the shower next weekend. You can pick them up there. "Allison" sent me an e-mail asking what style shoes and jewelry to wear. Great question, Allison! There are so many details. I keep forgetting to tell my girls what to do.

This is an excellent opportunity to go over my expectations for each of you:

About the shoes, please wear tasteful flats. Most of you are taller than me. I'd rather you not all tower over me.

I want all of you to wear your hair down. Since "Babs" and Allison have similar hair, I'd prefer that Babs straighten hers and let Allison be the curly-haired girl. After all, she's my friend and you are just bridesmaids! I'm sure you understand.

"Judy" and "Molly," you have both mentioned that you intend to shed a few pounds. This would be the perfect time! Watch your diets; we will all start weekly weigh-ins. Allison could use some trimming down, too.

Also, you should all stay away from alcohol for at least a week before the wedding. None of us should be puffy or bloated. I think this is mainly for Babs, as none of my ladies drink all that much.

Other than that, I don't have any real suggestions. Oh, please don't go tanning! I prefer to blend in with you than stand out as the pale one!

Judy, Allison and Molly, please call me. There are a few other things that I need to go over with you on this topic. Babs, you are "Scotty's" friend so I wouldn't presume to tell you what needs to be corrected -- plus, your own wedding is coming up after mine. So I'm sure you're already more than a little aware of what you need to work on.

See ya'll on Saturday. Babs, remember you'll attend the shower with us girls rather than the paintball fun with the boys. Dress accordingly, dear!

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful man. I am 31; "Cliff" is 42. His mother, "Margie," is the problem. She lives down the street. Margie bought furniture for our home and gives us money when we come up short. Because of this, she thinks she can stick her nose into our personal business whenever she wants.

Don't get me wrong; I appreciate everything Margie has done for us because, without her, we wouldn't be nearly as well fixed. But how do I get her to back off and let Cliff and me live our own lives? -- WANTS NO STRINGS ATTACHED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR NO STRINGS: When you accept money, there are usually invisible "strings" attached. As long as you continue to accept your mother-in-law's money, you will have forfeited your right to "live your own lives." You won't truly regain your independence until you have repaid her the money.

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DEAR ABBY: My 76-year-old grandmother refuses to take care of her health. She is dangerously overweight, diabetic, has M.S. and heart disease -- among other ailments.

Grandma has more specialists than she can keep track of and self-medicates on a regular basis. Her trips to the emergency room are frequent, and she has been close to death on several occasions.

I'm not the only one worried about Grandma. Her husband and two children cry, beg and plead with her to take her health more seriously -- or to allow us to help manage her meds and medical appointments. Each time she has a close call, she promises she's "learned her lesson and will do better," but she doesn't change a thing.

I am at my wit's end! Grandma refuses to see the damage she's doing to herself. Our small family doesn't want her to die. My guilt and frustration have led to anger, which I know hurts her, because we've always been close. However, I'm at a loss about how to get through to her.

Please help, Abby. Grandma reads your column religiously. Maybe if she sees herself in print, along with your advice, it might push her in the right direction. Thanks for any help you can offer. -- AT THE END OF MY ROPE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR AT THE END: While you love your grandmother and want her with you as long as possible, it may not be possible for her to make the lifestyle changes you and her doctors would like. She's 76, and a lot of damage has already been done.

For some people, making lifestyle changes can be stressful -- even if they're positive changes. From your description of your grandmother's condition, it might be better to let her live out the time she has left without being too hard on her.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I "had" to get married because I got pregnant. We scraped together $70 and bought a set of wedding bands, and one very small engagement ring with a little diamond dust on it. Our early days were difficult, as we had no money and a baby on the way.

Over the years, through a lot of hard work, we formed a strong, loving union. I am proud of my husband, who works two jobs six days a week so I can stay home and raise our son.

Last year, we celebrated our 10th anniversary, and my husband took me out for a rare restaurant meal. After we had eaten, he put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small black box. He slid it across the table and said, "This time, I mean it. Will you spend the rest of your life with me?" Inside was a gorgeous ring with a beautiful stone. He then went on to tell me that the first ring was for where we started, but this ring signified where we are going. I was deeply touched.

My ring may not be the biggest or most beautiful, but it is my dearest treasure, for it signifies the love of my husband -- and for that, I am truly blessed! -- JAMIE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR JAMIE: You are both blessed in many ways. Your marriage succeeded where many do not. The reason is you and your husband put all your efforts into building your relationship and making it strong.

I wish you happiness and success in your future together. You have earned both.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl about to start my sophomore year in high school. I play sports, help out with chores around the house, and tend to my little sisters after school until Mom gets home from work.

I've always tried to live up to everyone else's expectations of me, because I don't want to let anyone down.

I now want to start dating and hanging out with school friends and go to parties. I don't intend to be wild. I just want to have some fun every now and then.

The problem is my mom is strict about my curfew –- 11 o'clock. I have asked for midnight, but she thinks that's too late for me to be out. I have friends younger than me who have midnight curfews.

Mom tells me she doesn't want me to make the same mistakes she made. But how will I learn about life if I can't experience things for myself? I'm smarter than she realizes. I know right from wrong. I think I'm old enough to find out who I am. Abby, do you think I'm asking too much? -- WANTING TO GROW UP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WANTING: Whether you're asking too much depends on the kind of dates you have in mind. If you're going out with groups of friends -– and it's supervised -– 11 o'clock is fine for a 15-year-old. If you continue to be as responsible as you are, renegotiate the curfew when you turn 16.

DEAR ABBY: Before our wedding, my mother-in-law offered to purchase a set of sterling silver flatware for her son and me as our gift. She instructed us to register the pattern we selected and said she'd buy the set.

Two weeks prior to our wedding, my in-laws came to visit and brought our wedding gift with them. Imagine my shock when I opened the box and found a totally different set than the one we had chosen!

Without thinking, I said, "Oh, this isn't the silver we picked!" My mother-in-law replied that her selection was better.

I want to exchange the set for the one my fiance and I wanted in the first place. My husband says to drop the subject, unless I want his mom to comment about it every time we sit down for a meal together.

This has become a bone of contention between my new husband and me. Does his mom have the right to wield that kind of control over us, Abby? What should I do? -- MAD AT HIS MOM IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR MAD: Your mother-in-law has the right to wield that kind of control only if her son and you allow her to. What she did may have been well-intended, but it came across as insensitive and heavy-handed.

It's time for you and your husband to have a talk with his mother and tell her that while you appreciate her gift, you chose the pattern you selected for a reason. You both liked it. And while she may prefer the pattern she selected, she is not the person who is going to have to live with it. Therefore the silver is being exchanged for the one you prefer.

Once you put the subject on the table, it's less likely to be rehashed at subsequent family gatherings than if she arrives for a dinner party and is "surprised." Your brand-new hubby owes it to you to back you up on this, and you can tell him I said so.

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