DEAR ABBY: I recently witnessed something outside the local Kmart that left me livid. A man was speaking to a young lady in a foreign language, when all of a sudden, another man who appeared to be in his 60s began to chastise them for not speaking English. His exact words were: "What the hell is the matter with you? This is America. People speak English here!" He stormed off when I stepped in and pointed out that HIS ancestors weren't born here, and they probably didn't speak English, either.

When I ride the train to work, I see people with Middle Eastern backgrounds get dirty looks from other passengers. Where exactly is this "newfound patriotism" I keep hearing about? All I see are people using terrorism as an excuse to act like bigots.

Patriotism isn't slapping an American flag on your car. It's remembering the principles this country was built on. THAT is how you honor the people who died protecting our freedom, not by infringing on the rights of people who aren't exactly the same as you. -- A DISILLUSIONED AMERICAN

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: What happened in front of Kmart was a textbook example of xenophobia, which Webster's defines as "fear and hatred of strangers or foreigners or of anything that is strange or foreign." Unless the person who did the "chastising" was a part of the conversation, he was rude, aggressive, and a mile out of line.

With the recent war on terrorism and fear of terrorist activity from the Middle East, there have been incidents of hostility aimed at people from Middle Eastern backgrounds and those who resemble them. With that in mind, it's important to remember that no one can tell by looking what is going on in other people's hearts. It is quite likely they are American-born or naturalized citizens, and as fervently patriotic as those of us who have been here for generations.

DEAR ABBY: I am a Hispanic male. Most of my extended family lives in Mexico. My parents and some aunts, uncles and cousins live near me in East Texas.

My girlfriend, "Cyndi," and I have been dating for three years. She recently decided to move to San Antonio to be closer to her parents -- and to "find herself."

Cyndi has met my parents several times and told me she intended to learn Spanish so she could better communicate with them. (They speak little English.) I was delighted because when we visit my family in Mexico, Cyndi would not feel left out of our conversations.

Cyndi and I spoke over the weekend. She told me she had signed up for language classes. When I called her last night, she informed me that she's taking German. Then she gave me a lecture about how my family needs to learn English because they live in America. (They try hard.) Then I asked her how she intends to communicate with my family in Mexico. She ignored the question.

Abby, Cyndi and I have split up several times over the past three years. We always seem to find something to argue about. Now this. What do you think about this, and what should I do? -- ERNESTO IN EAST TEXAS

DEAR ERNESTO: Face it. Cyndi has no interest in communicating with your family. She's moved on. Tell her adios or auf Wiedersehen -- whichever comes first.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Daughter Who Needs to Know," a 14-year-old girl whose father had died three years ago. She had not been told her father had a terminal illness, and she still doesn't know the cause of death. She asked whether that information was any of her business and if she should ask her stepmother.

You told her she had every right to know, and that she was old enough to be told now. When I read that letter, a flood of emotions came back to me.

My mother died of breast cancer when I was 15. I watched her deteriorate for three years, Abby, and when I asked questions, I was shoved aside because my father felt I was too young to know.

Three weeks before my mother's death, I did something. I stormed out of the room and went to the basement to sulk. My father followed me and said the most hurtful words I have ever heard. He said, "Your mother is upstairs dying by inches, and you're mostly responsible for it!"

I had no idea she was dying. I was devastated. I felt robbed of years of being able to share with her, talk about important things, and after she died, the sense of loss only got stronger.

I am 49 now and in therapy. Most of the things that come up have to do with Mom and how the situation was handled. I realize that my parents were trying to protect me, but in the end, I felt robbed and abandoned.

Please tell folks like "Daughter Who Needs to Know" they are not alone. Given the belief systems of the parents of that era, I'm sure there are a lot of us. -- STILL GETTING OVER IT IN ARKANSAS

DEAR STILL: I am sorry for your pain, and I think you have hit the nail on the head. In their zeal to protect you from the pain of gradually losing your mother, your parents left you open to the trauma of her sudden loss. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to "Daughter Who Needs to Know." I am a hospice nurse and have worked with many families dealing with terminal illness. Another reason the parents didn't tell the child may have been because they themselves had not yet come to terms with the devastating news. To discuss such news is to admit that it is true, and this is frequently hard for patients to do.

Much of the work we do in hospice is helping patients and their families accept the prognosis and cope with the grief of their loss. Hospice families are followed for a year after the death of a loved one to support them as they grieve.

Even though it has been three years since this young lady's father died, she and her family may benefit from grief counseling and/or a grief support group. A local hospice would be one source of these services. I hope this helps the young lady and her family as well as many others. -- MARTI BOGDEN, NEW CASTLE, PA.

DEAR MARTI: Thank you for a helpful letter. For those who may not know, hospice is a program that is available for patients who have a prognosis of no more than six months to live. It offers pain medication and counseling to patients and their families, as well as grief counseling. The national hotline number is (800) 658-8898. The Web address is www.nhpco.org.

Other helpful resources for grief support groups and counseling are the social services office of your local hospital, churches, or your local mental health providers.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: Twenty-two years ago today, Oct. 22, 1980, my mother, Pauline Phillips, published a letter in her column from a woman signed "Desperate." Desperate's 60-year-old husband had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She asked if Mother had ever heard of it, and how other spouses of Alzheimer's patients coped with it.

Mother stated in her reply that approximately 1 million people had Alzheimer's disease, and that families and friends of Alzheimer's sufferers had banded together to form an association to provide support, develop and disseminate helpful information and to encourage much-needed research to fight the disease.

With that column, a little-known disease received international attention. Within weeks, the Alzheimer's Association received more than 25,000 pieces of mail requesting information, volunteering services and donating money.

Over the years, Mother and I devoted a steady stream of columns to raising awareness of Alzheimer's disease, publicizing the association's programs and services, and supporting them financially. We watched with satisfaction as they grew into the largest private funder of Alzheimer research and the premier source of information and support for everyone touched by the disease.

How ironic that this disease should eventually strike my own dear mother -- a woman known for her sharp intellect and quick wit. Her diagnosis reinforces our sense of stewardship in the success of the Alzheimer's Association.

Research offers the only hope of discovering the answer to Alzheimer's disease. Through the association's efforts, federal funding for Alzheimer's research has grown from $13 million in 1980 to almost $600 million today. The association's goal is to increase that commitment to $1 billion. Unless a cure is found, an estimated 14 million more people will have this disease by the year 2050.

I will work more closely than ever with the Alzheimer's Association to achieve our shared goals -- to eliminate this thief of the mind through research, and to enhance the quality of life for individuals, caregivers and families like our own.

If you or someone you love needs the Alzheimer's Association's help -- or wants to join this cause -- call (800) 272-3900. Someone will be there to receive your call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Or visit the Alzheimer's Association online at www.alz.org.

DEAR ABBY: In July of last year, my niece left her 1-month-old daughter with me, saying it would be for only a week. It is now well over a year later, and I am still taking care of her.

The baby's mother has seen her only three times in the year she's been with me. I've grown to love this little girl and think her mother's absence is unfair to her.

I have made the decision to try to gain legal custody of the child. Abby, do you think I'm wrong in doing so? -- LOVING AUNT IN THE BRONX

DEAR LOVING AUNT: Not at all. The child has been abandoned in your custody. By all means, consult a lawyer as soon as possible. It will be better for the child, and for you. Since you are acting as a parent, you should have the legal authority in case it becomes necessary.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)