DEAR ABBY: I never imagined I would find myself trapped in an abusive relationship, let alone end up in jail for shooting my abuser -- but that's where I am.

My live-in abused me for years. Once our son was born, his brutality increased, and my baby was used as a pawn to prevent me from calling the police. The one and only time I did call for help, all they did was tell my partner to leave the house and sleep somewhere else. Never was I advised to get a protection order or offered any other assistance.

Once my baby's father saw what he could get away with, the beatings increased in frequency and severity. If I'd attempt to call 9-1-1, he would grab our son and his diaper bag and threaten to disappear with our child if I made the call.

When I actually tried to leave with the baby, my abuser promised he'd kill me before I reached the door. He said if I managed to get away, he'd track me down at my parents' home out of state and "take care of me" there.

I was too ashamed to tell my co-workers, friends and acquaintances that I was being abused. I covered my bruises with makeup and was careful to keep my distance for fear someone would see the marks. I was afraid if anyone discovered the beatings, this man would abuse me more -- or kill me -- so no one knew how terrified I was.

After hearing our toddler scream in terror as he watched his father give me the worst beating of my life, I finally decided to protect myself. I bought a gun (complete with child safety lock), thinking that when he came after me again, he'd see I had a gun and leave me alone.

I had never owned or fired a gun in my life and didn't intend to use that one. It was meant to be a scare tactic, but he was accidentally shot fatally.

In a state of panic, I hid his body for two months before being arrested. I was charged with murder and now face the death penalty.

My little boy is in foster care. My abuser's relatives, who ignored him for the first 20 months of his life, are now fighting my parents for custody. I have not seen my child since the day I was arrested. My parents' world has been turned upside down.

Abby, please urge every abused woman to speak out and tell people what is happening at home -- AND THEN RUN. Run as fast and as far away as possible. It's better to run than to have someone lose their life. Some may fear if they run, they'll lose everything. Wrong! They'll lose everything if they STAY.

If my letter saves just one victim of abuse, it will have been worth it. My life and future are over. I traded the prison of domestic abuse for a real-life prison. Sign me ... LOST IT ALL IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR LOST IT ALL: My prayers are with you, and I hope you are dealt with more compassionately by the legal system than you were by the person who drove you to desperation. I also hope that others will learn from your bitter experience.

Tomorrow I will print once again the 15 warning signs of an abuser.

A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: Tonight is the night when wee witches and goblins collect their loot. Please supervise them so they'll be safe.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an African-American reader, and as a young black woman I am fed up with the images of young women in our music videos of today. We are displayed as sex objects, and those images are imprinted into the minds of our young children. Boys think that girls are supposed to be treated the way rappers and singers treat women in the videos, and young girls think the only way to secure male attention is by being half-naked.

We, as women, are losing our sense of self-respect. We should take pride in our minds, not just our bodies.

Should we blame ourselves for participating in such videos, for allowing our young boys and girls to watch this on TV, or for not protesting?

I feel so overwhelmed. Who do we blame? Where does it end? How do we stop this? -- NOT JUST BREASTS AND THIGHS IN BALTIMORE

DEAR N.J.B. & T: Don't get caught up in the blame game. I agree that people -- not just women -- should take pride in their minds and not just their bodies. One important way to accomplish this is to stress to children that what is on television is, for the most part, meant to be entertainment -- not an accurate reflection of life. Children need to understand that as glamorous as life seems to be in the music videos, the REAL road to success lies in getting a good education and learning to respect themselves and others.

DEAR ABBY: I'm about to be married for the second time. My parents love my fiance, "Greg," unlike my first husband whom they despised. We spend a lot of time with my parents. Greg and my father get along extremely well. The wedding is this month. We have planned a cruise for our honeymoon.

We have invited my parents to join us on the cruise because their anniversary is this month, and they have never been on a cruise. My parents thought it was a wonderful idea.

Now, however, they are wavering about whether to go because my younger sister has told Mother she doesn't want them to go, and she doesn't understand why we would invite them on our honeymoon in the first place! I am very angry and upset that they would consider changing their plans in order to make my sister happy. Should I confront her about her jealousy? Why would she deliberately sabotage our relationship with the folks when things between us are so great? -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN RALEIGH, N.C.

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: Because your sister is insecure. She views you and your fiance's relationship as threatening to her position in the family structure. Confronting her about her jealousy and insecurity will only fan the flames. It is your parents who must stand their ground and refuse to be manipulated out of the trip of a lifetime. Your sister is out of line, and your parents must be strong enough to lovingly, but firmly, put her in her place.

DEAR ABBY: Last night, a really cute guy kissed me. He says he wants nothing further to do with me unless I will have sexual relations with him -- then he will date me. I like him a lot and really want this to work out. What should I do? -- GOING ON 16 IN OHIO

DEAR GOING ON 16: He may be cute, but you have described a user and a loser. A reader once sent me the following -- and it applies to you:

"When I saw him, I liked him.

"When I liked him, I loved him.

"When I loved him, I let him.

"When I let him, I lost him."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was married a few months ago. My sister and one of my bridesmaids "got into it" inside the limousine on the way to the chapel. My sister said my friend was rude. I became upset because I felt they could have waited until after the reception to air their differences. I felt my sister was selfish.

At the end of the reception, my mom and I got into a huge argument. Mom was drunk and cursing at the guests. One guest came up to me and complained about her. When I confronted my mother, she said I was a liar and some other hurtful things. Then Mom wanted to make some nasty comments on the microphone. When her girlfriend and I tried to stop her, her friend and Mom fell on the floor.

Mom refuses to acknowledge that she has a drinking problem, so I decided to stay away from both her and my sister. I haven't spoken to either one since the wedding. Am I wrong? -- "D" IN FARMINGDALE, N.Y.

DEAR "D": You are not wrong; you are protecting yourself. You will never be able to have the relationship you want with your mother until she faces the fact she's an alcoholic and confronts her problem. As for your sister and your bridesmaid, I don't know who is to blame for the argument in the limo, but they both owe you an apology.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Mel," and I are in our 70s. We have been married 14 years. It's the second marriage for both of us.

Mel has a 30-year-old daughter who is married and the mother of two children. She and her husband and children live out of state.

Abby, the daughter calls my husband at least twice a day, any time she feels the urge to talk to him. I find it very annoying that a girl her age needs to talk to her "daddy" so often. She asks him for advice and constantly tells him she loves him. Of course, Mel loves the attention she lavishes on him -- but I am upset and a little jealous.

Is her behavior normal, and if so, how do I handle this infuriating situation? -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You "handle it" by learning to accept it. For whatever reason, your husband's daughter is a "Daddy's girl" -- she needs his approval and support, and it isn't likely to change. You are not rivals for his affection unless you make it so. Think of it this way: You and she have something important in common. You both love her father in different ways, just as he loves both of you.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a busy office where I meet and interview clients. Last week, while meeting with a couple -- who were prospective clients -- the man began admiring my display of family photographs. To my surprise, he picked up the portrait of my husband, showed it to his wife, and said, "Look, there's Michael, Kathy's boyfriend!" (Kathy is the man's sister.)

Abby, he knew my husband's name, the name of my husband's best friend and where he lives. When I asked Michael about it, he said he didn't know any girl named Kathy. I want to believe Michael, but I cannot understand why a couple would go to such great lengths to be as cruel as they were to me. Michael and I have no known enemies and have had a very committed marriage for 13 years. What do you make of this? -- PUZZLED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PUZZLED: What happened had to be a terrible shock. My first reaction is that you are in denial. The couple you were interviewing knew too many precise details to be faking. It's time you look further and do some fact-checking.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)