DEAR ABBY: I have a somewhat heart-wrenching dilemma. Last night, I told my fiance that I loved him so much I would be devastated if something happened to him. He didn't say anything. Then I asked him if he felt the same way. He said, "Well ... probably." Abby, he is not affectionate and there have been many times when I have doubted his love for me. He treats my son like his own, though. We've discussed this, and he always tells me I overreact. What should I do? -- FEELING HURT IN RENO

DEAR FEELING HURT: You are looking for reassurance; he's a poor communicator. Clip this column and be sure he sees it. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I enlisted shortly after Pearl Harbor. Thirty-six days later, I was on my way to the Philippines. En route, the Philippines fell to the Japanese, and we were routed to Australia. Eleven days after we landed, I met the most beautiful girl in the world.

On our first date, I told her I was going to marry her. I did, 18 months later, while on a 10-day R-and-R leave from New Guinea.

After more than 57 years of marriage and two children, my beloved "Mary" died five days before Christmas. Although we agreed that our ashes were to be scattered over the mountains, I found I could not part with hers.

While Mary was alive, she would frequently say, "You don't know how much I love you." I'd reply, "Likewise." I never said, "I love you." Now her ashes are on my dresser, where I tell her several times a day how much I love her, but it's too late. Although I wrote poetry to her, I could not bring myself to say the three words I knew she wanted most to hear.

As my dearest was dying and we thought she was comatose, I told her, "There aren't enough words to tell you how much I love you." A few hours later, she whispered, "Not enough words" and died.

The reason I'm writing is to urge men to express their feelings while their loved ones are alive. I don't know why, but many men are reluctant to express the depth of their feelings. -- MISSING MARY IN COLORADO

DEAR MISSING MARY: Perhaps it's because they were taught as boys that it's unmanly to express emotion -- which they have interpreted to mean that expressing heartfelt emotion is a sign of weakness. Fortunately, in these "liberated" times, that philosophy is changing because we now know that expressing one's feelings is healthy for both men and women.

DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I need your advice. We know our stepfather is cheating on our mother, but we don't know what to do. We love our stepdad and would never have thought this could happen -- but it's become a cold reality.

We cannot just sit and watch our mother be taken advantage of. It feels like we are betraying Mom by not telling her what we know.

She reads your column faithfully and has often clipped it for us to read. Abby, please help us. We're at a loss. -- NEEDING ADVICE ASAP IN KENTUCKY

DEAR NEEDING ADVICE: You have been placed in a terrible position. Tell your stepfather what you know, and give him a deadline to break off the affair -- or else YOU will tell your mother. And if he doesn't do it, follow through.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The American Optometric Association is pleased to announce that for the first time, VISION USA, our free eye-care program for low-income, working Americans, is accepting applications and examinations year-round!

Children, adults and seniors in working families can now benefit by applying any time throughout the year. This allows them to receive an eye exam when it is needed most.

Year-round VISION USA means that the 7,000 optometrists who donate these comprehensive eye exams will be able to serve more patients through the program. During the exam, an optometrist will not only examine vision acuity (how well the eyes can see distant and close), but also examine the eyes for focusing, visual alignment, tracking, binocular fusion and disease.

To qualify for free eye care through VISION USA, individuals must be working or be part of a household with one member who is working at least part-time, have no insurance that covers eye examinations, an income below an established level based on household size, and not have had an eye exam in the past 24 months. (Some states have different eligibility requirements.)

Abby, we appreciate your previous support of VISION USA. Please know that mentioning this free program in your column can help many people. -- J. PAT CUMMINGS, O.D., PRESIDENT, AMERICAN OPTOMETRIC ASSOCIATION

DEAR DR. CUMMINGS: I am pleased to publicize this worthwhile program for my readers. Since VISION USA began in 1991, more than 314,000 individuals have benefited from this free service.

Readers can register by calling toll-free: 800-766-4466, Monday through Friday, 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Central time. Application forms are also available from VISION USA, 243 Lindbergh Blvd., St. Louis, MO 63141, or on the AOA Web site: www.aoa.org/visionusa.

DEAR ABBY: My brother has been seeing this girl for less than a year, but we seem to have become friends. Recently her grandfather passed away. They were not close. My brother called and told me the news matter-of-factly.

I have a strong aversion to funerals and go only if I "have to." I know this sounds cold, but my aversion is strong. Everyone knows this about me.

My brother called me a couple of days after the funeral, yelling at me because I didn't attend. I was waiting to call his girlfriend until after everything settled, because I know how crazy it is when someone in your immediate family passes away.

Could you please explain the proper etiquette in a situation like this? Was I completely wrong in not going? -- K.D. IN CREST HILL, ILL.

DEAR K.D.: Your mistake wasn't in skipping the funeral. It was in not immediately reaching out and offering sympathy to your brother's girlfriend for her loss. Since "everyone" knows you have an aversion to funerals, your brother should not have yelled at you. However, I can understand his being upset that you didn't call, didn't send a card or flowers, or in any other way acknowledge the fact that his girlfriend -- and your new friend -- had lost a loved one. It would have been the proper and considerate thing to do.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Sick at Heart" wrote that she is trapped in a loveless marriage because after being divorced, she made a religious commitment that she would never leave her second husband. She said the love is long gone and that her doctor has not been able to successfully medicate her severe depression. You advised her to talk with her spiritual adviser.

I am a spiritual adviser, and I would like to direct my comments to that woman:

I strongly feel that in a marriage made by God, two people become one. From your description of your marriage, it is clear that it was never sanctioned by God, therefore you are released from any pledge that you made.

The Bible tells us that God is present everywhere. This includes you. His spirit is within you. God is love and wants love to fill our lives. God does not want anyone to live in a situation such as you have described. There is no spiritual law that demands you stay in your loveless marriage.

Learn to forgive yourself for this "mistake" as Jesus forgave "the woman at the well who had five husbands and the one she was living with was not her husband." Listen to the Holy Spirit within you and you will be free to go your way. -- THE REV. NORMAN L. CONAWAY, EUSTIS, FLA.

DEAR REV. CONAWAY: You are obviously a caring and compassionate man of God. I hope "Sick at Heart" sees your letter, and that it gives her the courage to do what she must for her own mental, physical and spiritual health. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a female ordained minister and spiritual counselor, I would like to comment on the letter from "Sick at Heart."

God has admonished us to love everyone. "Sick" must remind herself that "everyone" includes HER. Loving herself cannot include living with a spiritually and emotionally absent man.

Adultery comes in many forms. Being neglectful, inconsiderate and emotionally absent is a form of adultery. Such negligence is also abusive -- and no scripture, teaching or God condones the continuation of a marriage where either adultery or abuse or both exist.

She is not only doing a grave disservice to herself, but also to her husband, because she is unable to love him. She is far better off leaving him so they BOTH can be free to find mates who will truly love them in the way God desires for them both.

It is never God's will for any of us to be sick, especially in our hearts. Medication cannot and will not cure such deep heartache as this woman is experiencing. The God in whom she believes is more than happy to grant her a new beginning. God desires to set her free. -- THE REV. DR. KATITI L. CESANA, ALISO VIEJO (LAGUNA BEACH), CALIF.

DEAR DR. CESANA: Bless you for writing, because your message is an important one. We cannot love another person until we first learn to love ourselves -- and we cannot make another person happy unless there is happiness within us.

FROM MY COLLECTION OF LIMERICKS:

There was a young lady from Trent

Whose TV antenna got bent.

The neighbors went crazy

Their screens all got hazy

For instead of receiving, she sent.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)