DEAR ABBY: "Talked to Death in Minnesota" described her husband as forcing her to sit for hours listening to him criticize her. She detailed how he had moved her far from friends and family, and if anyone called or came to visit, how he would alienate them. You called his behavior abuse, and advised that she no longer allow him to isolate her, and that she should find a job if she didn't already have one.

I am familiar with that pattern of behavior, Abby. May I offer a few additional thoughts?

If "Talked to Death" can get away from him, she should do it. And when her husband realizes he's losing control, she must be prepared for it, because his behavior will intensify. She should go elsewhere to telephone her old friends (with a calling card), get help, find a job, stay positive and move forward. -- RECOVERING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR RECOVERING: How kind of you to reach out to her, and to other people in verbally abusive relationships. It seems the spouse's actions are classic. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Talked to Death" must run as though her life depends on it, because it could. Fortunately, my family dragged me away while I still had a spark of self-esteem left. I spent more than 40 years "hoping things would change." They did -- they got worse. Tell her she's in my thoughts and prayers. I'm happier and more secure in every way since I got away. -- LIBERATED IN IOWA

DEAR LIBERATED: I'm not surprised you're doing better. You have rediscovered your self-worth.

One point I would like to add: When leaving an abuser, an escape plan should be worked out in advance, and the abuser should have no warning. Abusers are control freaks and can be unpredictable.

DEAR ABBY: After years of degradation, I finally left. My abuser had sought counseling (once) and was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). However, that became his excuse for everything he did. Nothing changed. He simply had an illness on which to blame his actions.

Medications can help to ease this disorder, especially when used with behavior modification therapy. But if "Talked to Death's" husband doesn't accept responsibility for his actions, she must get out before her self-esteem is damaged beyond repair.

It's never too late to start over. I'm now remarried, and happier than I ever thought possible to a man who treats me with love, dignity and respect. -- ELATED IN TEXAS

DEAR ELATED: Good for you. People who love each other try to help build on their strengths, not capitalize on their weaknesses.

DEAR ABBY: I was the same as that woman's husband. I was a control freak. No one had an opinion better than mine. I never had anything nice to say to anyone about anything. Everyone had something wrong with them. I am now in counseling and have discovered that I am the problem.

I hope that husband gets help, or that "Talked to Death" gets away before it goes any further. Perhaps then her husband will realize that because of his mouth, he has no one left, and he, too, will finally get the help he so desperately needs. -- FEELING BETTER ABOUT ME IN GEORGIA

DEAR FEELING BETTER: Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they'll admit they have a problem and seek help. It takes courage to step back and look squarely in the mirror instead of blaming others for problems. I commend you for doing so.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband's teenage son, "Danny," recently came to live with us. His mother has remarried and moved 2,000 miles away. Danny will visit her for a month this summer. Danny is basically a good kid, gets good grades, and appears to be making some nice friends at school and in the neighborhood.

The problem is, he's messy and I'm a perfectionist. I try to ignore the dirty clothes strewn across his bedroom floor, the food wrappers, the wet towels in the tub, etc. Although my husband is talking to Danny about the mess and there has been slight improvement, I was raised differently, Abby. I often find myself getting furiously angry. I am afraid I am going to say or do something I will regret, and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with Danny.

Can you suggest some ways to channel my anger? Do you have any ideas? -- TINA IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TINA: You've already taken the most important step -- recognizing your anger and what's triggering it. You want to avoid yelling at Danny or breaking things. Some suggestions: Walk away from the cause of your anger. Leave the room, leave the house if necessary, until you have regained control. Write a letter in which you express your feelings. You may never give that letter to Danny -- in fact, you probably shouldn't -- but you will feel 100 percent better once you have gotten it out of your system. Be sure to show your letter to your husband. He should know to what degree Danny's habits are affecting you.

There are other healthy, acceptable ways to express anger. I have incorporated some of them in my booklet, "The Anger in All of Us, and How to Deal With It." It can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0477. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a man who believes in equality, but I seldom find it with the women I date. I work full time, cook, clean, wash clothes, iron, shop, etc. I don't believe there is such a thing as "woman's work." The women I know agree with this philosophy, but have a problem accepting that there is no such thing as "man's work" either.

I believe in equal pay for equal work -- with which my dates agree. But when the concept of sharing expenses is proposed, my idea of "fairness" is not well received. For example, if I buy a woman dinner on Friday night, I believe she should pay for my dinner on Saturday. If I drive one weekend, she should drive the next.

I have been called cheap, biased, and even obscene names. What's a modern man to do? -- PUZZLED IN A SMALL STATE

DEAR PUZZLED: A modern man should take into consideration whether or not the women he's dating have approximately the same income he does. All things being equal, I subscribe to your philosophy. However, it shouldn't be set in concrete as you have stated it. If the lady doesn't take you to dinner, she might reciprocate in another way: cooking dinner for you, taking you to a movie, making a picnic for the beach or a ballgame. I do differ with you on one point, however: Driving alone at night can be dangerous for women. You should provide the transportation.

DEAR ABBY: A young married woman said she and her mother were at odds about the tradition of tossing the bouquet and bride's garter at weddings. You said, "Because catching a bouquet or garter is no guarantee the person will be the next to marry (it's 'up for grabs'), I see no reason why any guest should be excluded."

Well, I disagree! I perform disc jockey and video services for weddings. I have seen little girls and boys with bloody noses, skinned knees and elbows, etc. Would you send an 8-year-old to play football at your local college? For liability reasons, I specifically note in my contract that if the bride insists on including guests under 16, I am not liable for injuries. Insurance companies don't like to cover stupidity.

Please rethink this one, Abby! -- BRENT YACIW, WESLEY CHAPEL, FLA.

DEAR BRENT: Your point is well taken. I received a ton of terrific mail on tossing wedding bouquets and garters, and will share as much of it as possible:

DEAR ABBY: The custom is tacky and should be eliminated. It's embarrassing to singles who are dragged onto the floor by well-meaning friends and family. It's almost as bad as watching the new couple smash cake in each other's face. -- J.H., MELROSE, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: When I married, I had a candy toss for anyone 12 or under. It worked wonderfully. The kids had fun and were part of the festivities. -- JENNIFER IN FREMONT, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: For guests 16 and under, we tossed a teddy bear dressed like a bride, and did the same for the boys with a groom bear. -- BECKY IN HURST, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I am a florist. Many brides order a small bouquet to toss to the little girls, and they either toss their own bouquet or an extra (large) one to the big girls. -- RON D., BELLEVILLE, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: The custom is, whoever catches the garter must put it high on the leg of the woman who catches the bouquet. At one wedding I attended, a 9-year-old boy caught the garter and then sat at the feet of the lady who caught the bouquet and sobbed for 10 minutes because he was so humiliated. Children should not be subjected to this. -- KATHY IN FORT LEE, N.J.

DEAR ABBY: As the mother of two little girls, I do not want anyone touching their legs. As a wedding DJ, here's how I handle the garter toss: I have the little girl sit in a chair with her arms out and her hands in a prayer position. I then give the male the garter and he has three chances to toss it over her hands. No one is touched, and it's perfectly innocent. The kids love it. Remember, kids are just adults in training. -- LORI LEE, A DJ IN HORSEHEADS, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a caterer for more than 20 years. A classy alternative is this one: The bridal couple asks all married guests to stand. Then, in multiples of five or 10 years, they are asked to sit down when asked the length of their marriage. The couple married the longest is awarded the bouquet and garter to the applause of everyone. -- MIKE F., ANKENY, IOWA

DEAR READERS: I learn so much from you. Thank you for all your suggestions, and for the privilege of doing a job I love. -- XXX, ABBY

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)