DEAR ABBY: I am a young man with a burning question: Does an engagement ring have to be a diamond? I'm not ready to pop the question yet, but I'd like to know just the same. -- GEMSTONE INQUIRER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR INQUIRER: I took your burning question to Carol Brodie, director of global communications for Harry Winston Jewelers. Our conversation was fascinating. She says the tradition of giving a diamond as an engagement ring began in 1477, when Archduke Maximillian of Hamburg presented one to Mary of Burgundy. At that time, diamonds were regarded as "charms" that would enhance the love of a husband for his wife.

In more recent times, diamonds were the logical choice because their hardness equates to durability. However, it is not the only choice; much depends on the woman's taste. Rubies, sapphires and colored diamonds (pink, yellow, etc.) are also popular. (Because emeralds are the softest of the precious stones, they are not recommended for use as engagement rings.)

It goes without saying that fine jewelry should be purchased only from a reputable jeweler. The Better Business Bureau can recommend one if you need a referral.

A final thought: Although the idea of presenting a ring (on bended knee) might seem romantic, most modern women prefer to be part of the selection process. A practical way to arrange it is to call the jeweler ahead of time and arrange for a selection of stones in your price range to be shown to both of you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old mother of two boys, ages 4 and 2. I left their father because of spousal abuse, and I suspect he molested my oldest son, "Doug." Because I was never able to prove it, our mediator ignored it.

Now my son shows signs of damage. I see his pain and anger, and I don't know how to help him. Some of the things he does scare me, and I am afraid one day he will hurt himself or his little brother.

Doug talks as though his dreams are reality. One minute he will walk into my bedroom and say, "I love you, Mom." However, as he walks out the door, he growls in anger. He tells neighbors that I killed his dad. He has to have his blankets perfectly centered on his bed while he sleeps. He covers his brother's mouth so he can't scream. He says there are people in his room -- the list goes on and on. I don't know what's going on in his mind or how he feels inside. Sometimes Doug screams and cries for so long I get scared someone will think I'm beating him, because he makes sure everyone can hear him. I don't know what to do. Please help. -- AT MY WIT'S END IN CENTRAL CALIFORNIA

DEAR WIT'S END: Although some of what you have described may be considered "normal," the combination of behaviors has me concerned. Since you suspect Doug was abused, I urge you to contact his pediatrician and schedule a complete evaluation -- and, if necessary, a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in children. The sooner the better.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my second year of college and have a wonderful girlfriend back home. She's the smartest, most sincere person I've ever known. I love her.

The problem is, I am attracted to nearly every girl I meet here at school. Several have pursued me and offered "everything." I have taken some of them up on their offer, but it leaves me feeling guilty. At the same time, I want to keep having fun. What should I do? -- CONFUSED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR CONFUSED: You are clearly not ready to make any long-term commitments to anyone. Do the honorable thing. Tell your girlfriend you feel it is in both your interests to date others. You'll be doing her a favor.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Allison," the daughter of a longtime friend, is being married in grand fashion this summer. Another friend and I planned to give her a kitchen and tool shower in the spring. The other day, Allison called and told me she didn't think the theme we chose would "net" her the caliber of gifts she wants. Then she had the nerve to tell me to change the theme to a crystal, silver and china shower.

My friend and I are hurt that Allison doesn't consider our party plan to be good enough. We don't want to alienate Allison or her family, but we also think she needs to learn a lesson about being a gracious recipient. The invitations announcing the original theme have already been printed. We would like your objective opinion about what to do. -- MIFFED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MIFFED: Inform the bride-to-be that the invitations have already been printed and it's too late to change the theme. This doesn't mean you're throwing cold water on Allison's wish to receive "high-caliber" gifts. It simply means another friend, aunt or cousin will have the honor of hosting an additional shower with a theme of Allison's choosing.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 9-year-old boy. Are there any specific signs I should look for regarding when he is ready to be told the facts of life? His friends at school told him that kissing is "having sex." I am afraid our son will get the wrong idea, because he sees his father and me kissing several times every day. -- MILWAUKEE MOM

DEAR MOM: The time to talk to your son is now, before he absorbs any more misinformation from his friends. Children are maturing earlier than ever before. Add to that the messages they get -- both spoken and unspoken -- from living in our society, and regrettably, the fantasy of an "innocent childhood" is laughable. Parents should be mindful of this, and start the discussion when the opportunity arises.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Hector," showed up at my office the day before Valentine's Day with a dozen red roses. I was thrilled, because we'd been having major "relationship issues," and he hadn't given me flowers in ages.

When Hector handed me the bouquet, he informed me that he had extracted two roses for the receptionists at the front desk. When I told him he shouldn't have, his answer was, "You should be happy I'm nice to your co-workers -- they're probably envious that you have such a good man." At that point I asked him who he was trying to impress -- them or me?

To make matters worse, Hector then announced that the next day (Valentine's Day) he would be hooking up with a female friend who was in town. He planned to take her, his brother and another female friend out to dinner. I was not included. To add insult to injury, Hector had the nerve to ask me to baby-sit his brother's kids. The out-of-town friend is someone we have both known for years, but every time she visits, my "boyfriend" excludes me. What do you make of all this? Sign me ... DITCHED IN DEL MAR, CALIF.

DEAR DITCHED: Wake up and smell the flowers. Hector likes to impress many ladies and is not ready to make an exclusive commitment to you or anyone. Be grateful you found out now, and move on. Your signature says it all. You have, indeed, been ditched.

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DEAR ABBY: On Wednesday, April 2, people across the country will observe the National Day of Hope for abused children, part of National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Its goal is to raise public awareness so that each of us will have the power to help an abused child if we so choose.

On a typical day, three children in the United States will die as a result of child abuse in the home. A report of known or suspected child abuse or neglect will be made to the authorities every 10 seconds. However, most people who witness an actual incident of child abuse will not report it.

We urge everyone: If you see something or hear something -- DO SOMETHING. Suspicion of neglect or abuse is sufficient to make a report.

For information or local reporting numbers, call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), 24 hours a day. All calls are anonymous and confidential.

You can also help by keeping abused children in your thoughts and prayers. Learn the signs and symptoms of child abuse and neglect so you can recognize the red flags when you see them. For additional ways to participate, visit www.childhelpusa.org.

Please join us as we share the light of hope for abused children. -- SARA O'MEARA AND YVONNE FEDDERSON, CO-FOUNDERS, CHILDHELP USA

DEAR SARA AND YVONNE: I hope your letter generates the attention it deserves. Children are some of our most vulnerable citizens. Here are some of the signs and symptoms of child abuse:

Physical abuse: unexplained burns, cuts, bruises or welts in the shape of an object; problems in school; fear of adults.

Emotional abuse: apathy; depression; lack of concentration.

Sexual abuse: inappropriate interest or knowledge of sexual acts; overcompliance or excessive aggression; fear of a particular person or family member.

Neglect: unsuitable clothing for weather; extreme hunger; apparent lack of supervision.

I caution readers to be aware that these are only indicators, and if people see them they should check into the situation more thoroughly. One should not immediately jump to conclusions based on one or two general symptoms.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Kit," has been living with me for almost four years, and our love for each other is stronger than ever. Kit has asked me to marry her many times, but I always divert her attention or change the subject.

The truth is, I don't believe in marriage and would rather have Kit as my girlfriend for the rest of my life. What scares me is the fact that my last girlfriend dumped me when I leveled with her about how I never want to marry.

Please tell me what to do because I don't want to lose Kit. -- FOREVER SINGLE IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR FOREVER SINGLE: First of all, level with Kit about how you feel and why. While it may seem romantic to have a girlfriend forever, mature people want to take care of those they love. There are legal protections and benefits for spouses that single people do not enjoy. Your lawyer can explain them to you. As things stand, if something were to happen to you, Kit would be left with nothing but memories. Is that what you want?

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