DEAR ABBY: Years ago, when I first became a daughter-in-law, it was a good lesson in how NOT to be a mother-in-law. So when our son became engaged, I told his chosen one I considered her "in-law" status only a legality, that I felt I was gaining a daughter, and that wives should always come before mothers.

My husband and I offered advice only when asked and kept still when we saw them do something we thought was a mistake.

When our son had to travel out of town for additional job training, Dad and I moved into their home at their request. We had a great time with our grandchildren and made it possible for our son and his wife to have uninterrupted time for each other.

I am now a widow in my 90s and live in a lovely apartment my son and his wife built onto their home. They visit and help me whenever I need them.

When we drive places, I have always insisted on sitting in the back seat because I find it easier to get in and out of the car. (The kids often have things to discuss and I don't need to know everything.) Believe me, the back seat "ain't" all that bad!

My daughters live in Virginia and California and come to stay whenever my son and his wife want to get away. All of them keep me busy with my computer, getting my own meals, knitting and library books. My girls call daily -– California in the mornings and Virginia to say good-night. The kids here in town are in and out several times a day. When I tell each one how blessed I feel, my son always says, "Mother, you reap what you sow." -- GRATEFUL MOM/IN-LAW

DEAR GRATEFUL MOM/IN-LAW: In most relationships, your son is right. Love and respect are a two-way street. I receive so many letters about bad relationships that it's a pleasure to print one that details such an exemplary one.

And while we're on the subject, I'll reprint a favorite item that has appeared in my column before:

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR A MOTHER-IN-LAW

by Iola M. Irwin

-- Thou shalt love, honor and respect the new couple.

-- Thou shalt allow them complete independence.

-- Thou shalt speak only kindly and loyally about them.

-- Thou shalt not find fault.

-- Thou shalt not visit them too frequently, and never enter their home without knocking.

-- Thou shalt not expect them to visit you too often.

-- Thou shalt not give advice unless requested.

-- Thou shalt not mention how much you look forward to grandchildren.

-- Thou shalt respect their taste in home decorating, though it differs from your own.

-- Thou shalt petition daily the Heavenly Father, in whose love they abide, for their happiness.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a widow who lives alone. My problem concerns door-to-door solicitors. They seem to be at my door all the time. With all the scams and violent home invasions I read and hear about, I go into a panic when I open the door to find a stranger standing there.

When I hear my doorbell ring, I like to assume it's one of my neighbors or their kids -- so I open up. I don't want to be rude and not answer and help out my neighbors whose school-age children might be selling candy for fund-raisers or going door-to-door with Girl Scout cookies. I love supporting their causes when I am able. But how should I react when it's not someone I know?

Today there were some pretty shady-looking characters on my porch asking to come inside and steam-clean my carpets. Have you any advice on how I can politely but firmly get rid of solicitors so I can feel safe in my own home? Thanks, Abby. -- AFRAID TO FIND OUT WHAT'S BEHIND DOOR NO. 1

DEAR AFRAID: First of all, never open your door without first checking to see who is there. If this means having a peephole installed in your front door, it will be money well-spent. If the person standing there is a stranger, don't open the door.

Second, people who go around neighborhoods selling services that haven't been previously ordered, or merchandise that "just fell off a truck," are usually scam artists and should be avoided at all costs. Caveat emptor (let the buyer beware)!

DEAR ABBY: "Concerned Mother" wrote that she wants to move because her neighbor, "the Wicked Witch of the West," likes her dogs better than "Concerned Mother's" children. ("She ignores the innocent greetings of our children, which hurts their feelings. ... I worry what a person so filled with anger may be capable of.")

May I politely suggest that not everyone wants other people's children bothering them? I realize that "Mother" believes her children are the salt of the earth and her world revolves around them. However, I'm a middle-aged, childless single woman who works hard all day juggling two difficult jobs. The last thing I want to deal with when I get home is someone else's children. In the last place I lived, my next-door neighbors sent their kids into the hallway at night to play cricket and couldn't understand why that bothered me!

Your suggestion that "Mother" instruct her children to leave the neighbor woman alone is a good one. However, advising her to add that there is something wrong with the woman ("explain that the neighbor is troubled and unhappy") fosters bad manners. It should make no difference to the kiddies why they are to leave that woman alone. It should be enough for them to understand that the neighbor doesn't wish to be bothered. The sooner they learn that not everyone thinks they "hung the moon," the happier they will be. -- KATE IN TORONTO

DEAR KATE: The parents of the cricket-playing kids in your hallway were responsible for the racket -- not the youngsters. The little ones were just doing as they were told. I'm printing your letter because it's true that not all adults relate well to children. (W.C. Fields was an example of that.) However, it's safe to say that most adults do. But sometimes even the kindest and happiest people don't like to be disturbed.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Undecided in St. Paul," regarding her son's wedding and asking what to do about inviting relatives who reside in a nursing home. You advised that instead of sending them invitations, send a chatty letter or card bringing them up-to-date on the happy news -- and an announcement after the wedding -- so they remain "in the loop."

As an RN with years of employment in a nursing home setting, I know from experience that residents become very excited about being included in family affairs instead of being told after the fact. My suggestion would be to send them an invitation, arrange for transportation, and enclose a small note that states, in a tasteful manner, "No gifts, please."

If friends and family only knew how these people felt sitting in their rooms or in hallways with nothing to do. Nursing homes try hard to keep their residents happy and entertained, but nothing replaces family. -- A NURSE WHO KNOWS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR NURSE WHO KNOWS: Sometimes I should pay less attention to my brain and more attention to what my heart tells me. I responded the way I did because I did not want the recipient of the invitation to feel obligated to provide a gift, if it would be physically or financially impossible. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband's grandmother was in a nursing home when we were married. It was nearby, so we arranged for our wedding party to visit her after the ceremony and before the reception. The nursing staff was excited because that's all his grandma talked about for weeks beforehand. And it was such a special day for the residents! When we arrived, they were all dressed in their "finest" to meet the new bride and groom. The looks of happiness on their faces still makes my eyes tear up! The ladies all wanted to touch my gown and told us about their weddings. Smiles and laughter resounded through the halls. We arranged for a "wedding" cake to be delivered so they could have a piece after dinner.

We were only there for about an hour, but the nurses told us how much everyone appreciated our "gift," and the residents talked about our visit for a long time afterward. Of course, we gave his grandma a photo. She kept it by her bed until she died. -- MARTY FROM EASTLAKE, OHIO

DEAR MARTY: Several readers shared stories similar to your own.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter was married in June. The groom's elderly grandparents who raised him are both in a nursing home. This was the last wedding they expect to see. Our children's friends volunteered to transport them. It took some arranging because they are both in wheelchairs, but they had a wonderful time. Their gift was their presence. -- MOTHER OF THE BRIDE, EAST BROOKFIELD, MASS.

DEAR MOTHER: I'm sure they were as thrilled to be there as you were to have them.

DEAR ABBY: If the only consideration is obligating the folks for a gift, send the invitation! Better to be engaged in life than disengaged. I want to make my own decisions, don't you? -- GOOD LUCK TO ALL, MELVILLE, N.Y.

DEAR G.L.T.A.: You're right, and I stand corrected!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)