DEAR ABBY: I was maid of honor in my cousin "Denise's" wedding. As such, I helped her to get a good deal on her photography. My close friend, "Arthur," had just begun shooting professionally, and photographed the wedding for a greatly reduced price.

My problem is that Denise never paid Arthur. It has been several months, and Arthur finally asked me if I would track her down because she has not return his repeated phone calls.

Denise admitted that she spent the money on cosmetic dentistry, but now more time has elapsed, and she still hasn't paid him.

My cousin claims she will pay Arthur "one day," but I am embarrassed and angry. How should I handle this? Denise is not an easy person to confront -- she is easily offended and moody. -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE, OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: Your cousin Denise is more than easily offended and moody -- she's also a deadbeat. Step back and do not allow yourself to be put in the middle. If the bride signed a contract with the photographer, he may have to take her to small claims court in order to get the money she owes him. It's not a pretty picture, but it's the unfortunate truth.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old woman who is 100-plus pounds overweight. Six months ago, I finally made a commitment to lose the excess pounds, and with my doctor's approval, joined a weight reduction program. Slowly but surely, I am succeeding. I intend to stick with it.

The problem is my live-in boyfriend, "Jack." I know he loves me and has my best interests at heart, but he acts like a "food cop." I resent being given the third degree, and being told what and when to eat and drink.

Abby, is there any tactful way to tell Jack to butt out? If he keeps this up, I could fall into some of my old eating habits, and I don't want that to happen. -- BIG GIRL IN DES MOINES

DEAR BIG GIRL: You are starting to make progress, and for that I congratulate you. The next time your boyfriend acts like a "food cop," tell him you know he means well, but this is a project you need to do on your own -- for yourself and by yourself. Explain that when someone looks over your shoulder, it makes you nervous, and when you get nervous you want to overeat. So he should please stop.

DEAR ABBY: "Devoted Daughter in Houston" wrote about her mother having vascular dementia, and how a family member took advantage of her condition and removed a valued possession from her home without permission.

My mother has vascular dementia and we, too, had family members who tried to take advantage of her. I obtained legal documents from our family lawyer and had my mother's doctor declare her incompetent. I then photocopied the forms, along with my durable power of attorney, and mailed them to the guilty parties.

Needless to say, these folks are upset, but they no longer try to get money from my mother. -- FAMILY "BAD GUY" IN NEVADA

DEAR FAMILY "BAD GUY": The lesson is, as hard as it may be to face, that sometimes it's necessary to take legal action to protect a loved one from exploitation and financial disaster. That's what attorneys and elder-laws are for. So please don't let anyone make you feel like a bad guy for acting like a good guy.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Forever Single," the man who's in love with "Kit," but never wants to get married. He's not the only person who would rather just live together. My boyfriend of eight years and I have both been married before. We do not need a "piece of paper" to tell us that we love each other and will never stray.

I agree with your advice that they should talk to a lawyer in case something ever happens. I work for an attorney, so all our affairs are in order in case something ever does happen. My boyfriend has two children from a previous marriage and we have two together. So we made sure if anything bad happens to one of us, the other has control over everything, and not our exes. -- JULIE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR JULIE: For your sake and your children's, it was wise for you to tie up all the loose ends. For the other side of the story, read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am an 81-year-old lady in good health and still driving. I lived with "Martin" for 15 years. He is now 87. Martin never wanted to marry me, although I proposed several times.

A year ago, his family made me leave his home. His money and their greed were the reasons. I didn't care whether or not Martin had money. We had each other, and still love each other dearly. I now live with my son 30 miles away.

I go to see Martin three or four times a week. He has major health problems and severe Alzheimer's. He no longer knows his children or grandchildren. He only knows me, although he remembers nothing we did together that he loved to do -- like traveling, cruises, dancing three or four times a week, golf, his poker games, or the people we socialized with. When I visit him he says, "Tell me about the things we did, the folks we did them with, and the fun we used to have."

You gave "Forever Single" the right advice when you said mature people want to take care of those they love. Spouses have legal protection benefits that single people do not enjoy. If something were to happen, "Kit" would be left with nothing but memories.

I stayed with Martin for 15 years. He didn't look out for my future, and now he can't. His children declared him mentally incompetent. He has 24/7 attendant care. I had to go back to work in the home health-care field to support myself. It is "Kit's" choice to go or to stay. I wish I had insisted on marriage or future support. -- A YOUNG 81, GETTING ON WITH HER LIFE IN TAMPA

DEAR YOUNG 81: So do I, because at least you would have had security or known where you stood. I find it sad that so many people get caught up in the "romance of the nontraditional" and forget that love includes responsibilities. Whether or not your beloved consciously intended to leave you vulnerable, with no choice but to re-enter the job market as an octogenarian, that is exactly what happened because he refused to make a commitment. I hope others will benefit from your sad experience. You have been, and continue to be, a loyal and loving partner. You deserved better.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old husband and father of four. "Marla" and I have been married 11 years and live in Syracuse. My wife wants to move to Albany to be closer to her family so they can help care for our children.

I agreed to move only if Marla guarantees to give me sex three times per week. That is the only compromise I am asking her to make. My wife says she won't commit to putting a number on the times we are intimate every week.

Abby, am I expecting too much by asking Marla to commit to the amount of sex I want, as long as I agree to move to Albany -- which is what she wants? That way, making the move will benefit both of us. -- READY AND WILLING IN NEW YORK

DEAR READY AND WILLING: You and your wife appear to be "ready and willing" about very different things. I can understand her wanting to be closer to her family for the child-care advantages, but why would you demand that she limit your lovemaking to only three times a week? You're selling yourself short.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old woman whose parents divorced three years ago. (I'm an only child.) Recently I discovered that my father cheated on my mom throughout their marriage. His longtime mistress was a family friend I'll call Cindy.

I have grown up seeing Cindy at least once a week. She has always been pleasant and helpful -- whether she was teaching me to ride a bike or helping me study for my driver's permit. It wasn't until a year ago that I found out she and Dad are lovers. When Mom discovered their affair, she placed the blame solely on Dad.

My parents split up, and Dad left Mom for yet another woman, "Lynda," but he continues to see Cindy behind Lynda's back. Neither woman knows about the other. I still communicate with Cindy and see her occasionally. This upsets my father no end, because he's afraid I'll blow his cover. He's told me in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want me talking to Cindy.

I maintain that Dad brought Cindy into my life when I was just a kid. Is it fair for him to suddenly demand that we can't continue being friends? -- FOND OF DAD'S MISTRESS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR FOND: Look at it this way: For years, while Cindy pretended to be a family friend, she helped your father betray your mother. Is that the kind of friend you can trust? I don't think so. Your dad may not deserve any medals as "Husband of the Year," but in this case, he might have a point.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been going to a nudist resort for the last five years. Our children are all grown and in their 30s. I want to tell them where we are going in case something should happen to one of us while we're there.

My wife is too embarrassed to say anything about the nature of our retreat to anyone, even though we both enjoy our tradition.

Should we, or shouldn't we, say something to our children? -- ADAM AND EVE IN THE GARDEN STATE

DEAR ADAM AND EVE: Your reason for wanting to tell your children is valid. You are all adults. There should be no embarrassment in disclosing your whereabouts. Many people enjoy the nudist lifestyle, and there is no reason for your wife to be ashamed of it.

It's a good idea when anyone travels for an itinerary to be left with a trusted friend or family member. It's not so much what could happen to the traveler, but that an emergency could occur back home that necessitates being in contact. If a person can't be reached, he or she also can't be notified.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)