DEAR ABBY: My mother is in her early 70s and was recently diagnosed with dementia. My family and I are in the process of looking at assisted-living facilities.

The problem we're facing is well-meaning neighbors and old family friends who say that Mom is "too young" to consider assisted living as an option. This is causing her (and me) much undue stress. She has lived in her home for more than 30 years and has been alone since Dad passed away 10 years ago.

Abby, none of these people understand that my mother forgets to take her medication, loses her checkbook, has gotten lost driving -- or forgets why she's in her car in the first place. They don't realize that performing simple household tasks like laundry and cooking meals has become a burden for Mom and exhausts her.

It has been a difficult decision for my mother to agree to leave her home and accept the assistance she needs -- and some people are making it harder. What can I say to these folks to change their attitude about our decision and encourage them to support my mother with love and acceptance as we move forward? She needs that now more than ever. Sign me ... WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR MOM IN NEW YORK

DEAR WANT WHAT'S BEST: Sit down with these well-meaning people and explain exactly what you have told me. It is important that they understand your mother is no longer the person she once was, as much as you all might wish it. Dementia is a disease that affects not only the sufferers, but everyone who loves them. I'm sure these people will be less resistant once they fully understand what is going on. Be sure to encourage them to visit her and remain a part of her life.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Bonnie," and I have been married for 25 years and have two great kids. When our daughter left for college three years ago, Bonnie began to "rediscover herself." In the process, she became friendly with "Roger," a 35-year-old single man from our church. I found a picture of him hidden in Bonnie's Bible.

Roger lived with our family for two weeks before moving to a neighboring city. Every morning when he was here, Bonnie got up early to make his breakfast and was at the door to say her "goodbyes." She has never done that for me.

A few months ago, Roger contacted our 19-year-old daughter when he was passing through her college town and took her to dinner. Afterward they stopped by her apartment, and Roger kissed her on the lips, telling her it would be "their secret." As soon as our daughter was able to convince him to leave, she called us to tell us what happened.

My problem is that Bonnie has forgiven Roger, but my daughter, son and I have not. My wife continues to see him on occasion, although always in the company of others. However, in paying our bills, I have discovered that she calls his cell phone up to 70 times per month. Needless to say, I do not want Roger in our home. Bonnie refuses to understand why the children and I feel so unforgiving toward him. What do you think, Abby? -- EMPTY IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR EMPTY: It's time for you and Bonnie to get some pastoral counseling. It appears that Bonnie has a crush on Roger, and Roger has the hots for your daughter. If Bonnie refuses to go to counseling, go without her, and don't be afraid to name names.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I think it would be a good idea to reprint the "freedom poem" that appeared in your column several years ago. Because of the recent war in Iraq, it couldn't be more timely. Thanks, Abby. -- MRS. INEZ M. BARROW, WATERFORD, MICH.

DEAR MRS. BARROW: Because today is Armed Forces Day, I agree that the poem is timely. It was written in 1988 by a high school ROTC cadet major named Kelly Strong. Read on:

FREEDOM IS NOT FREE

I watched the flag pass by one day.

It fluttered in the breeze.

A young Marine saluted it,

And then he stood at ease.

I looked at him in uniform

So young, so tall, so proud,

With hair cut square and eyes alert,

He'd stand out in any crowd.

I thought how many men like him

Had fallen through the years.

How many died on foreign soil?

How many mothers' tears?

How many pilots' planes shot down?

How many died at sea?

How many foxholes were soldiers' graves?

No, freedom is not free.

I heard the sound of "Taps" one night,

When everything was still.

I listened to the bugler play

And felt a sudden chill.

I wondered just how many times

That "Taps" had meant "Amen,"

When a flag had draped a coffin

Of a brother or a friend.

I thought of all the children,

Of the mothers and the wives,

Of fathers, sons and husbands

With interrupted lives.

I thought about a graveyard

At the bottom of the sea,

Of unmarked graves in Arlington.

No, freedom is not free.

-- CADET MAJOR KELLY STRONG, AIR FORCE JUNIOR ROTC, HOMESTEAD SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL, HOMESTEAD, FLA., 1988

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Last summer I met "Lauren," a single mom who was new to our neighborhood. We began jogging together in the mornings. When she needed help trimming a tree, I volunteered my husband, "Dave," who was happy to help.

After that, Lauren began calling Dave for every favor she needed -- going with her to buy tires, helping to paint two bedrooms of her house, getting an estimate on her car and taking her kids on motorcycle rides -- some of which last all day. Lauren recently told Dave she doesn't like me, and that I have started false rumors about her, which is totally untrue!

Both my husband and Lauren maintain they're "just friends." Clearly, she has become more HIS friend than mine. When an attractive, single woman calls a married man eight times in a two-hour period -- something's up.

Dave says I need to "deal with it" -- that he has a good time with her and her kids, and he's sorry I feel he's putting me second. It's to the point that I may ask him to move out. Dave says he's put too much money in our house to leave. What should I do, Abby? -- TIRED OF BEING SECOND FIDDLE

DEAR TIRED: Tell your husband that he may have put too much money into the house to leave, but YOU have put too much time and effort into the marriage to let it collapse. Offer him the chance to save your marriage with counseling. And if he refuses, talk to a lawyer and protect your interests, because as it stands, you have been emotionally abandoned.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend recently gave me a beautiful engagement ring. It is custom-designed. I like it, but I also remember a story he told me when we first began dating. He mentioned he'd had a ring designed for an old girlfriend, but she had refused it. Abby, I think this is the same ring! It makes me uncomfortable knowing that the ring he gave me might have been designed with another woman in mind.

Should I ask him about it with the fear he might get defensive? Or should I adopt a "don't ask/don't tell" policy? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN KNOXVILLE

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: Speak up and ask. And if the answer to your question is yes, let him know that you would prefer another setting. An engagement ring is supposed to be a symbol of his love for you -- and you alone.

DEAR ABBY: Yesterday, my 27-year-old daughter was coming out of a store behind a woman who was reeking of very strong perfume. It triggered an asthma attack and my daughter ended up in the emergency room.

Would you please remind your readers that they should apply their perfume with discretion, and that there are people who are allergic to it and could end up seriously ill if they are exposed to it? -- KATHY IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR KATHY: Your message has been in this column before, but it is one that's worth repeating, and I'm pleased to help. It applies to both women and men, because in many cases both sexes are equally heavy-handed when it comes to applying scents. To steal a line from an old jingle, "A little dab'll do ya." So please show some consideration for those whom you encounter in the workplace, in elevators and on airplanes as well. In an enclosed environment, the effects can be overpowering, or even life-threatening.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)