DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old wife and mother of a 16-month-old son. For the most part, I feel blessed. However, there are times when I feel overwhelmed working and being a wife and mom. I never seem to get a break.

We live with my husband's dad because we had some credit problems and are trying to get back on our feet. My father-in-law thinks I should do most of the household chores and that I should still be able to find enough time for myself -- but it hasn't worked out that way.

If I want to spend a few hours with my friends, my husband and his dad think it's an imposition when I ask them to baby-sit. On the other hand, my husband takes off and hangs out with his friends any time he feels like it.

Am I wrong to feel there's a double standard here? Don't get me wrong -- my husband and son and I do spend some time together, and we're active in our church. But I can't help feeling I need more time for myself. Please help. -- OVERLOADED IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR OVERLOADED: Before any more tensions and resentments build, it's time to draw the line and speak up. As it stands, your father-in-law has a built-in maid and your husband has reverted to adolescence. Whether you get church-based or secular marriage counseling, get it NOW before you cave in under the stress of your current situation. You and your husband need to get back on your feet and find a place to call your own.

DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and have never had a boyfriend. All my friends have boyfriends, and I'm the only girl without a guy. This whole year I've had my eye on a senior at my school. I try my best to get his attention, but he doesn't seem to take the hints. We say "hi" to each other in the halls, but that's about it.

How can I get him to notice me, Abby? I mean, I'm really in love with him and want him to know how I feel. There's only one problem -- I'm kind of scared to approach him. Graduation is almost here and soon he'll be leaving. What should I do? -- SCARED TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE IN FLORIDA

DEAR SCARED: Give or send him a graduation card with a sincere note wishing him luck and letting him know you'll miss seeing him on campus. It will give him an opening and show him that you like him. If he doesn't respond after that, set your sights on a cute junior -- someone who'll be around for another year.

DEAR ABBY: Graduation time is here. My senior is blissfully happy to be graduating from high school. She addressed her own announcements and sent them to family and friends of her choosing.

I would like to send a message to the recipients of the millions of announcements that will arrive during these next few weeks: Please take these announcements for what they are -- they are NOT a request for gifts.

My daughter is thrilled to be going through this rite of passage. I remember how I felt a few years ago when I began receiving announcements from the children of friends, wondering if a present or monetary gift was expected. Well, THIS senior's parent wants to say: Please just be happy for the graduating student. Thanks, Abby. -- PROUD OF MY GRAD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR PROUD: When someone receives a graduation announcement, one should do more than "be happy." Good manners dictate that the announcement should not be ignored. At the least, a card or letter of congratulations is in order. (Gifts are optional.)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: As a child-care provider for many years, I would like to offer some advice to "Child-Care Pro in New Jersey," who is stumped about what to do when Mom (or Dad) comes to pick up the children and they start acting up.

Sometimes children are confused about how to act when their parent arrives. The day-care provider can help by beginning to discuss ahead of time what will be said the minute Mom or Dad arrives. "Let's tell Mom about that neat picture you made today," or, "Tell Mom how you used good words to tell Jeff how you felt instead of hitting him."

When Mom walks in the door, be ready with positive things to say. She is probably mentally and physically tired at that point and needs all the help she can get to make it a good transition.

I agree with you, Abby, the child-care provider should step in if the children begin acting up -- and the children should be warned that you'll use discipline if you need to. If the moment Mom walks in, the adults begin talking among themselves, that's the time kids act up. Mom should be told you'll call her later with any news. This is a kid's time to talk to Mom. -- LOVES KIDS IN OREGON

DEAR LOVES KIDS: Those are good suggestions, and thank you for them. Now let's hear it from some other child-care professionals:

DEAR ABBY: Having worked in child care more than 20 years, the best advice I can offer is this: When the misbehaving starts, ask the parent, "Would you like to handle this or do you want me to?" That way, you acknowledge the misbehavior and the fact that it must be dealt with, without undermining the parent.

Waiting until the next day to discipline the child would serve no useful purpose. -- ANOTHER PRO IN HENDERSON, TENN.

DEAR A.P.: I agree.

DEAR ABBY: It is not unusual for children to act up when the parents arrive. Here's how I handle it:

I talk to the children about their behavior before their parents get here. I have them ready to go so there's no chance for them to misbehave. And I offer them a reward -- like a healthy snack -- to take with them if they get ready to go without a fuss. -- BEEN THERE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BEEN THERE: Way to go! I see nothing wrong with providing an incentive for good behavior.

DEAR ABBY: Since I was a kid I've loved basketball. I've played it since the fourth grade, and now I'm planning to participate in the Special Olympics. My goal is to become a professional player. Mom always told me that whatever I hope to achieve, I can make it happen. All I have to do is put my mind to it and not give up. The possibilities are endless.

When people out there tell me I'm stupid or an idiot, I respond by saying that I have good coping skills and a lot of potential. I like myself and I care about others.

My message to anyone with a disability is this: Tell yourself you can be an achiever and say to yourself, "I'm going to make something of myself" -- and it will happen. -- DETERMINED TO SUCCEED IN TACOMA

DEAR DETERMINED: Thank you for sharing your philosophy. It applies to everyone, not just people with disabilities. A person who has a goal to pursue is far better off than a person who has none.

Your mother deserves to be commended for being a terrific role model and teacher. Give her a hug for me.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in a few months. Ted is 20 and I am 22. He tells me he has "no past," and refuses to discuss it.

From what I hear from his friends, Ted has tried everything in his 20 years of life -- drugs, sex, alcohol, wild parties. They say he has talked about numerous one-night stands without protection, and that he was even involved in group sex with eight other guys and one female. (Again, without protection.) For all I know, he may even be a father. He also refuses to be checked for STDs.

Am I right for wanting to know how many sexual partners Ted has had? I am still a virgin. When I try to talk to him about this he clams up. Can I trust him? -- JITTERY IN JACKSONVILLE

DEAR JITTERY: Absolutely not. Your intuition is warning you. Anyone, male or female, who has had even one unprotected sexual contact should be tested for STDs. If what his friends are saying is true, your fiance is reckless and immature. He has exposed himself to diseases that could destroy your ability to have children -- or even kill you. I urge you to discuss this with your doctor. I cannot stress strongly enough how important it is that you know your fiance's health status before this goes any further. You have a right to that information.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away five years ago. I have a table and chairs that belonged to my grandparents that were given to me by Mom before her death. (They meant a great deal to her.)

Because the set was passed down to me, must I keep it? The base of the table is still good -- but would it be blasphemous to remove the top and replace it?

The same goes for the chairs. They're in bad shape. Should I go to the expense of having them repaired and refinished -- or is it OK to get rid of them? And if I do, what can I tell any family member who asks? Thanks, Abby. -- TRASH-OR-TREASURE IN THE TWIN CITIES

DEAR T-OR-T: Stop feeling guilty. Since you do not like or want the "heirlooms," offer them to other family members who might like to have them and restore them. One man's trash is another man's treasure (and vice versa).

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Hank," and I are in our late 20s and have been married five years. We have two children. On the surface everything is great; however, our marriage is falling apart because of my husband's addiction to pay-per-view pornographic movies. Hank doesn't understand why the $600 he spent on these dirty movies over the past year has affected me. Our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing, which makes me feel inadequate as a wife. We're also trying to save money for a house.

I cringe each month when I open the cable bill -- and each month we have the same discussion that goes nowhere. Tonight I told Hank if he continues his habit it would end our marriage. He said, "Whatever. I'm not having this conversation now." What can I do, Abby? -- HAD IT WITH HANK

DEAR HAD IT: Encourage your husband to accompany you to marriage counseling -- and hope that he will "open up." As things stand, your marriage is dying. He has substituted movies for a real relationship with you. Unless a compromise can be worked out, you will both remain unhappy.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)