DEAR ABBY: I have a girlfriend at work I'll call "Crystal." I think she's cheating with "John," a co-worker who is married. Crystal was going to be married in the fall, but now the wedding is off. She says that she and John are "just friends." But the way it looks to me, they are a lot more than that.

I see Crystal and John in the parking lot after work. He sits in the driver's seat, and she sticks half her body through the car window to kiss him goodbye. They also go "out to lunch" every day. When I ask her if she'd like to have lunch with me, she lies and says she's staying in -- then I see them in the parking lot and she's all over him.

I've tried talking to Crystal about John, but she gets defensive. I think he convinced her not to get married. This isn't the first time he's been involved with a co-worker. How can I tell Crystal she shouldn't waste her time with a married man? -- WORRIED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WORRIED: Love is blind, and sometimes also deaf to the voice of reason. In your case, it is already too late to reason with Crystal. If a co-worker who had an earlier fling with John would be willing to share her experience with Crystal, it might wake her up -- but I'm not betting on it. Some lessons must be learned the hard way, and when a workplace romance fizzles and reality hits, it's a cold awakening. (Clip this, give it to her, and tell her this message is for her -- from both of us.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Charlene," and I plan to marry this fall. We couldn't be happier and eagerly anticipate spending our lives together. However, the wedding planning is causing tension in our families.

Charlene and I are recent college grads, struggling to pay off student loans. We are unable to afford a large, lavish wedding. After discussing this at length, we realized that neither of us wanted a big wedding in the first place. We prefer a quiet, intimate gathering, and a small ceremony would suit us both.

Our problem is, Charlene and I feel we must accommodate our large families who want to attend our wedding. We're afraid that if we don't invite everyone on both sides, feelings will be hurt.

How do we arrange for the perfect small wedding of our dreams without disappointing our extended family members? -- TRYING TO KEEP THE PEACE IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR TRYING: Limit your wedding to parents, grandparents and siblings. As long as no exceptions are made, there should be no hard feelings among the extended family members.

P.S. Consider celebrating with friends and other relatives by hosting an open house a few weeks after your wedding. It needn't be anything formal -- you could serve wine and/or punch, a few simple homemade hors d'oeuvres and something sweet.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of two boys. My oldest is 21 with a wife and baby. They live here in town. My youngest is a junior in high school and lives with me.

Recently, because he's out of work, I helped my older son by paying his $600 rent. My younger son has a part-time job and should have money of his own, but he usually blows it and never seems to have a dime.

What's bothering me is that neither of my sons did anything for me on Mother's Day. No card, no phone call, no "Happy Mother's Day" -- nothing! I feel angry, hurt and awful. And I don't know what to do with these feelings. What, if anything, should I say to them? -- MISERABLE MOM IN TUCSON

DEAR MISERABLE MOM: Tell your thoughtless, self-centered sons exactly what you have written to me. They need to hear it. Your feelings are valid.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 24 and recently married "Teddy," the most wonderful man in the world. Our problems began when we were on our honeymoon. We made the mistake of giving his mother, "Janice," an extra key to our home -- "in case of emergency."

When Teddy and I returned home, she had completely redecorated our living room. Janice had removed our beautiful wallpaper and painted the walls and molding several shades of green. She also made curtains and pillows to match. I have never been fond of green, but now it's everywhere -- including paint splatters on our newly refinished hardwood floors.

Abby, I feel violated! I do not want to hurt Janice's feelings, but I need to let her know that although we appreciate her efforts, she is never to do this again.

We will be leaving on vacation in the fall, and I think Janice has her eyes on our bedroom. What should I do? -- PREFERS BEIGE IN BALTIMORE

DEAR PREFERS BEIGE: You and Teddy must talk to his mother together. She may have meant well, but your use of the word "violated" really sums it up. Your mother-in-law's actions were presumptuous and insulting. If I were you, I'd either change the locks or get that key back.

You have your work cut out for you. Your mother-in-law has no concept of boundaries. If you do not draw the line now, you'll never have a home or color scheme to call your own.

DEAR ABBY: In celebration of Father's Day, I would like to share with you a poem my daughter wrote as a tribute to her daddy years ago. It meant the world to him, and to honor his memory I offer it to you and your readers. -- MARION LENZEN, AURORA, ILL.

DEAR MARION: I am pleased you did. I'm sure it will strike a familar note with many readers.

MORE THAN PROMISES

By Eileen Votava

He couldn't buy the roses

I saw in the vendor's cart.

But he showed me how

To plant the seeds and cut the blooms.

And together we'd tend

The garden from his heart.

He couldn't show me the way

To slide downhill on my sled.

But the tales of horsedrawn

Sleighs from his youth filled my hours.

Richer was I than my friends,

As down the hill they sped.

He couldn't take me places

Filled with intrigue and mystique.

But he promised to take me

Fishing on the banks of a quiet stream.

No doubt we would go;

His promises he'd always keep.

He never promised dreams and schemes;

That life would be always fair.

But he pledged me his support;

Even when I made mistakes.

And when I needed him most,

He was always there.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MORTON PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Father's Day, Dad!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My problem is my daughter-in-law, "Marla," and the verbal abuse she heaps on my son, "Jack." She belittles him in front of me and the children on a daily basis. All my life I listened to my own mother do the same thing to my dad, and it's something I cannot tolerate.

When I've asked my daughter-in-law not to talk to Jack like that, Marla directs her anger at me. So all I can do is what I did with my mother -- get up and leave the room. What I want to say is, "Stop it! He's a good man who's been there for you from day one and doesn't deserve to be trashed!" But I'm afraid it would cause more trouble. I bought Marla a book on anger management, but she threw it away. Last week, I wrote her a letter giving her "what for." (I never mailed it.)

Abby, I'm at my wit's end with this woman and I'm not sure what is the most productive way to move forward. If you print this, I know she'll read it. No name or town, please. Sign me ... TRYING NOT TO BE AN INTERFERING M-I-L

DEAR TRYING: As much as you might wish to intervene, your daughter-in-law's verbal abuse will not stop until your son finds the strength to end it. He needs counseling to boost his self-esteem to the point that he can stand up for himself. Encourage him to do it soon because verbal abuse damages everyone who's exposed to it -- including the children who grow up thinking it is normal behavior.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old single woman living with three cats. I have many friends and have dated on and off since my teens, but I am always happier when I'm unattached. I do not want children, and I don't intend to marry. I am content with my life, while many of my friends and co-workers insist that I'll never be "complete" without a man.

These people tell me that one day I'll realize what I'm missing -- but it might be too late to start a family. Abby, I have come to the conclusion that the desire for marriage and a family would require a major personality transplant for me.

I can't seem to convince my friends that I'm happy "as is." I get so tired of defending my lifestyle that I usually end up telling them they're right just so they'll stop bugging me. What should I say the next time? -- SINGLE AND HAPPY ABOUT IT

DEAR SINGLE AND HAPPY: Marriage and family may be the norm, but it isn't a guarantee of happiness for everyone -- as anyone can tell by reading this column.

When your friends push the subject, don't allow them to make you defensive. Just smile and change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: How do people know if their therapist is really helping them or just taking their money? Mine does not talk much or give any advice. What kind of progress should I expect in recovering from depression and anxiety attacks, and how do you evaluate yourself and the doctor to determine if your healing is just a slow process or if it's time to find a better-suited professional? -- THANKS FROM OHIO

DEAR OHIO: Discuss your concerns with your therapist. Do not feel guilty for questioning your progress. You have the right to do so. Therapy can sometimes be painful, but you must be completely honest, or it won't work. That said, sometimes it takes a little shopping to find a good fit, so don't be embarrassed about wanting a second opinion.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)