DEAR ABBY: After having been laid off from work and talking to other people in the same boat, I have discovered that many of us share similar experiences. With our economy what it is, I would like to offer some suggestions on how to help the unemployed through a difficult time:

(1) Because the individual seems OK doesn't mean he or she really is. Being laid off is traumatic. There are bound to be major adjustments and self-doubt. The tendency is to keep emotions bottled up. Be there for them. Your support can make all the difference.

(2) Call or visit regularly. Someone who's unemployed can feel isolated. Unless you've been through it yourself, you have no idea how lost and useless a person feels. Someone taking time out of his or her busy schedule to call, e-mail or visit can mean the world.

(3) Just because money may be tight, don't be afraid to extend an invitation to go out together. If money is an issue, offer to treat -- or do something that doesn't cost anything.

(4) Don't be afraid to ask how things are going. Job hunting can be discouraging and frustrating. It's a relief to be able to vent!

(5) If you promised to look out for job opportunities, please keep your word. He or she can use all the help you can give. Also, a personal referral might be just the ticket to get a foot in the door. (Especially now, when employers receive hundreds of resumes for every opening.) On the flip side, do not refer the person for just any job. Be sure it suits the individual's background and is what he or she is seeking.

(6) Don't think that because the person hasn't found something right away, he or she is lazy. It takes some people a year -- or more -- to find another job. Do not be judgmental.

(7) Appreciate your own job, even on the bad days, because it could be worse -- YOU could be the one laid off! If it could happen to me, it could happen to you. -- SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN THERE

DEAR SOMEONE: Thank you for a terrific letter filled with practical and sensitive advice. Many individuals have found themselves out of work through no fault of their own, and often they become isolated because their friends feel awkward or don't realize they need emotional support.

DEAR ABBY: My niece, "Jennifer," is being married next month. She and her mother (my sister) have a strained relationship due to her mother's substance abuse and addictions. For this reason, I have acted as my niece's surrogate mother for the last 20 years.

Jenny invited her mother to the wedding, but asked her to come sober or not to show up. If my sister attends her daughter's wedding, how should she be treated as the mother of the bride in regards to seating, photos, etc.? -- FULLERTON, CALIF., AUNT

DEAR AUNT: Your sister should be seated with family, not necessarily at the head table. She should be included in at least one family photo and one with the bride and groom. It's the respectful and compassionate thing to do.

In case the bride's mother shows up "under the influence," arrangements should be made beforehand for her to be escorted out and safely transported back to her dwelling.

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DEAR ABBY: We recently learned that our daughter was molested at a very early age in the 1970s. It went on for nearly a year. We never realized how profoundly molestation affects a child. I had heard it was an awful thing, but I never knew the secrecy, the pain, the shame, the guilt, and how the victims are groomed by their predators. They live in a secret world by themselves -- brokenhearted, in loneliness and fear. They try to run faster than their pain -- and some don't know why because it has been blocked from their memory.

I have heard that four out of 10 women have been molested as children. This is a huge number. There are plenty of victims, but guess what? No predators! They are all "innocent," and protected by families who hide it because they don't know how to handle the problem. They are protected by a gray area of "uncertainty." It remains that way because the authorities are never called to investigate. The parents of the molested child are threatened with a nasty lawsuit. Then the whole family turns against the parents and the victim in order to protect the "sick" one and their own reputations.

Everyone -- individually and collectively -- sticks their head in the sand and refuses to deal with it. Statutes of limitations run out. An unbelievable amount of pressure is put on the parents by the family. Then it is dismissed because "it happened a long time ago."

Meanwhile, as the years pass, the victim becomes progressively more mentally, physically and emotionally sick. She's in and out of hospitals and always on medication. Because now the victim has been rejected and betrayed all over again. If he is "innocent," then she must be "guilty" by default, which reinforces what he told her as a child -- that it was all her fault to begin with.

The burden placed on her shoulders becomes unbearable. And the closer the extended family, the more profound the rejection. Her worst nightmare has come true. Finally, she becomes so physically sick and unnerved that she has a breakdown. She has a hard time finding where "she" is inside herself. The medicines she must take are depressants themselves.

Abby, we struggle every day. I know of four other families where similar molestation, rejection and denial have occurred. Families should wake up to the problem. It's time to bring it out of the closet. I hope you will print some of this letter.

I sign for her ... I DO HAVE A FACE, I DO HAVE A NAME, EVERY CITY, U.S.A.

DEAR I DO: You have written eloquently of a problem that, according to my mail, is widespread and often covered up. I hope your letter will encourage more victims of molestation to pick up the phone and report the crime. And to their extended families: As much as you might be appalled at the charges, molestation -- regardless of when it occurred -- is a serious crime. The victims need all the support they can be given.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a bet between my mother and me. I say the engagement ring should be worn at the base of the finger, with the wedding band on the outside. Mom says it's the other way around. Who is right? A $5 bill is riding on your answer. Thanks, Abby. -- MOTHER/DAUGHTER DUO IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR DUO: You owe your mom $5. The wedding band is supposed to be worn on the inside -- closest to your heart -- with the engagement ring serving as a "guard" for it.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 27 years old and pregnant with my second child. I remarried one year ago and couldn't wait to have my new husband's first baby. My problem is, I am not as excited about having this child as I was my first. Don't get me wrong, I love this baby, but I expected to be more "thrilled" -- and I'm not.

I also feel I am all alone in this pregnancy. Although he hasn't said it, I suspect my husband is repulsed by the amount of weight I have gained. (I am in my seventh month.) I am embarrassed to talk to my doctor about this for fear he will think I am a bad person.

Is there something wrong with me? Help! -- WORRIED MOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR WORRIED MOM: Needing support is not being a bad person. Your problem is that you have clammed up at the very time you should be speaking out. It is normal for a pregnant woman to have insecurities. It also is not uncommon for someone who has already had one pregnancy to feel less excited about her second. You should discuss these feelings with both your husband and your doctor.

Please don't worry. You will love your children in different ways -- but equally.

DEAR ABBY: I am 25 and a registered nurse. For three years I've been in a live-in relationship with "Herb." He is 10 years my senior.

I have a history of depression, anxiety and binge drinking. I turned to alcohol when I got depressed over my father's death from a massive heart attack five years ago. I also drink because of lack of love and compassion from my mate.

Herb is unemployed and spends most of his time in front of the computer. If I have so much as a cocktail to wind down after a 12-hour shift, he withholds affection. I feel isolated. I'm afraid he will become angry if I stop for a drink with my colleagues after work.

Herb never asks me how my day was. I know I have problems, but it would be nice to feel supported. He has been physically abusive on multiple occasions. Is there any hope for me, Abby? -- DOWN IN THE DEPTHS IN COLORADO

DEAR DOWN IN THE DEPTHS: Yes, there is. But first you must accept that you have a drinking problem and seek other avenues for resolving your depression. Speak to your doctor and get a referral for treatment.

That said, your drinking is no excuse for Herb to abuse you. Your life will improve as soon as you rid yourself of him.

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and recently had a baby with "Danny," a guy I've never exactly dated, yet we continue to sleep together. He's gone through two girlfriends since I've known him, but he always comes back to me.

I love Danny, but I know the feeling is not mutual. Should I try to get over him and move on, or should I hang in with the man I love? -- WISHING AND HOPING IN DELAWARE

DEAR WISHING AND HOPING: Please see a counselor. You need to explore why you have allowed yourself to be treated so poorly. Since Danny has never given you any reason to think you are anything more than a nocturnal convenience, it is best that you move on. However, before you do so, consult a lawyer about establishing child support and visitation because Danny does not appear to be a person who will shoulder his obligations willingly.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "GUILTY AND ASHAMED": Please stop punishing yourself over a relationship that ended 50 years ago. Appreciate the fine husband you have and those who love you. If you can't let go, get counseling so you can fully enjoy the reality you have -- instead of grieving over a 1950s teenage fantasy.

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