DEAR ABBY: My daughter has a 3-foot-deep swimming pool in her yard. My two granddaughters, ages 5 and 9, have been playing in it all summer with friends their ages.

I am deeply concerned because they are out there alone for hours. They are not supervised by an adult or competent teenager. I'm worried because I know a horrible accident can happen very quickly. Do you think I am being overly protective? -- DISTRESSED NANA IN NEBRASKA

DEAR DISTRESSED NANA: No, I do not. Even adults should not swim alone. If something were to "go wrong" with one of the children in the pool, someone who knows how to react in an emergency -- or recognize that it IS an emergency -- should be present in a supervisory capacity. To do otherwise is child endangerment.

DEAR ABBY: "Graciela in Brazil" said she has been dating a young man for only a month, and that he is pushing so hard for an exclusive relationship that she "sometimes feels suffocated." You advised that his behavior is one of the warning signs of an abuser.

About 10 years ago, I met a woman who is now my ex-wife. I "overlooked" the fact that she initially lied to me about the fact she was married. She left her "controlling" husband, and we entered into an immediate sexual and exclusive relationship (I slept with her the night we met). On a scale of one to 10, our passion level was about a 12.

After three months, she pushed for marriage and I went along. She said, "Let's set a wedding date," even though she didn't know when her divorce would be final. The next time we were shopping, she suggested buying our wedding bands so we would have them when the time came. In spite of the fact I felt things were moving too quickly, I went along with everything because I didn't want to be perceived as noncommittal -- and our passion was boundless.

We were married five days after her divorce was final, even though we'd had some heavy-duty arguments during the 10 months we dated. Those arguments stemmed from one issue: She felt threatened by my past relationships. I couldn't convince her that I had absolutely no contact with any of my former girlfriends. If there was a hang-up on my answering machine, she suspected an old girlfriend was trying to contact me.

I believe, in retrospect, if her first husband was controlling, she saw in me someone SHE could control. I had sent her that message loud and clear when I let slide her lying to me about her marital status when we met.

I know all of this is water over the dam, but I'm curious. Am I off base in believing she was a controlling person herself? -- NEVER AGAIN IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NEVER AGAIN: What a story! I'd say you are right on target with your assessment. I suspect your former wife was terrified of being alone and on her own -- and you were the safety net she grabbed onto. Of course, there were warning signs all over the place, all of which are visible with hindsight.

It's time to pinpoint what need in yourself was filled by allowing her to lie to you and lead you around by the nose. Counseling would be helpful to you in closing this chapter of your life. If you haven't done so already, I recommend you get a referral.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing out of concern for my husband "Marc's" 9-year-old daughter, "Rachel." She visits us every other weekend. The rest of the time she lives with her mother in the next town.

Rachel is extremely overweight. We've watched her put on 20 more pounds this summer. Friends and family members, with the exception of Rachel's mother, have also become concerned about her weight problem.

Marc and I are both health-conscious. We make every effort to eat properly and live a healthy lifestyle. When Rachel is in our home, we make sure she eats well-balanced meals, and we never bring junk food into our home. Our problem is, Rachel's mother sees nothing wrong with her daughter bringing along a supply of fattening snacks when she comes to stay.

Time after time, Marc has tried to talk to his ex-wife about this problem. She refuses even to acknowledge that there is one! We're very concerned. We want Rachel to develop healthy habits, and we're worried that the teasing will be even worse when she begins fourth grade in the fall. Any advice you can offer would be appreciated. -- WORRIED ABOUT OUR GIRL IN TEXAS

DEAR WORRIED: I'm assuming Marc's daughter has a pediatrician. If she doesn't, she should. As Rachel's father, Marc has the obligation to inform her physician about his daughter's weight gain and eating habits.

Perhaps the mother will be more receptive to supervising her daughter's diet when she hears from a doctor that her daughter is headed for trouble. If not, Marc should talk to his lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: "Anxious Daughter in New England" wrote that she had just discovered that her mother -- who is terminally ill with only weeks to live -- had placed a baby for adoption many years ago. She said that she felt an "urgent need" to locate that child before her mother dies, so they could meet. She said that her mother has periods of confusion but is lucid "some of the time," and family members are divided about whether a reunion would be good for her. "Daughter" asked for your opinion.

You advised her to "let go of the fantasy." What an insensitive response! I cannot fathom why you would respond that way to someone who is trying to give her mother closure.

Granted, she should consult the doctor regarding the possible consequences. But even if it isn't a good idea for the mother to have this, it IS important for that woman to know her sibling.

Please choose your responses with a more sensitive outlook, especially with such an emotional issue. -- PRESIDENT OF THE NEW YORK STATEWIDE ADOPTION REFORM

DEAR PRESIDENT: I am not against a reunion of the siblings. My concern was literally for the life of the mother -- the shock could kill the poor woman. It's significant that when the writer's mother was well, she had NOT expressed a desire to find the "secret" child she had placed for adoption. That's why I said, "Let go of the fantasy." While the majority of reunions are happy ones, I hear from people who tell me that not all are. I'm sorry if you and others were offended.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Last night, after we had been engaged for three months, my fiance, "Blake," informed me that he owes $25,000 to creditors. He said part of that debt is because he bought and sold a condo (at a loss) six years ago -- and he felt he needed a nicer car after we met. What concerns me, in addition to his huge debt, is that he gave me an $8,000 engagement ring.

Blake is pressuring me to get married, but I am having second thoughts. Will I be responsible for his debts if we are married? Should I marry him, or should I wait until he pays off his creditors? -- FEELING INSECURE IN TORONTO

DEAR FEELING INSECURE: Your concerns are valid. Your fiance appears to be romantic, but not very practical when it comes to financial matters. Before the engagement goes any further, I urge you to consult an attorney who can explain any possible obligations you will -- or will not -- assume by marrying him. Please don't wait. It will be money wisely spent.

DEAR ABBY: I am 80 years old and all alone. Cancer took my wife 11 years ago. I am still healthy and in control of my affairs. I have been trying to carry on without my wife, but there isn't much to live for. I just returned from putting my truck in the garage, and I hated coming back into my empty house.

I wish that every human being in the world could be as lonesome as I am tonight. If this were true, there would never be another war, or killing, or robbery, or any form of deceit. I feel certain that everyone would say, "I am satisfied with what I have, because I never want to be as sad or as lonesome as that old man." -- LONESOME IN TEXAS

DEAR LONESOME: I'm glad you wrote to me because 11 years is too long to be alone and grieving. Since you are of sound mind and body, it's time to re-enter society -- and by that I mean put yourself in situations where you can help your fellow man, meet new people and have some fun.

Volunteering is a wonderful way to start. Call your local hospital, library, museum or senior center, and see what openings are available. It will be a way to do something worthwhile for your community and the beginning of a new life for you. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: I recently met "Shelly," the girl of my dreams. She is everything I ever wanted in a girlfriend and more. This is the greatest relationship I have ever had in my life -- and she feels the same.

Shelly is leaving for college in September and I still have one more year of high school. I know in my heart it will never work with me here and Shelly there -- but I am not ready to lose the love of my life.

Abby, please give me some advice. I know my heart is going to break when Shelly leaves. -- LOVESTRUCK IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR LOVESTRUCK: I hope Shelly has a wonderful freshman year in college -- and that you have an exciting senior year in high school. Over the years I have heard from many teens in your situation. They have maintained their friendships by staying in contact through phone calls, writing letters and e-mails. What they haven't done is demand an exclusive relationship.

Now is the time for both of you to develop new friendships with people of both genders. Exclusivity ties you down and is not fair to either of you. When you develop new interests, you will have that much more to share when you do get together.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)