DEAR ABBY: I was very close to my grandmother. My sister, "Julie," was not. Grandma had beautiful silverware that I used to help her polish when I was a child. She promised it to me. A couple of weeks before she died, she said that her silver should go to Julie. Grandma often mixed our names at the end, and I think she was confused about who was who. My mother disagreed; the silverware was given to Julie. A few years later, after she realized how much it meant to me, Julie gave me the silverware.

Recently, my father told me that because our family has had a run of bad luck, that Grandma was "cursing" us from the grave for disobeying her wishes. He has ordered me to give the silverware back to Julie. I think this is nonsense. To suggest that my sweet grandmother would send my 14-year-old nephew severe health problems from "beyond the grave" is a vile thing to say about a woman who loved us all very much.

I am scheduled for major surgery in a few weeks (further proof of the curse, according to Dad). Should I return the silverware to Julie, even though I don't believe in curses, or should I just ignore the "curse" and take the consequences?

Please don't tell me to see a priest. We're Jewish. -- "CURSED" IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR "CURSED": Curse, indeed! Call a rabbi and tell him or her what you have told me. There may be a blessing in Hebrew that can be recited that will put your father's superstitions to rest. However, the most precious legacy your grandmother bequeathed to her family is not her silver and china; it is the treasured memories of the good times you shared together. I hope that one day soon you will all enjoy a wonderful family dinner using Grandma's silverware.

DEAR ABBY: When you receive a gift on a special occasion and it's obvious that it's an envelope with a check inside, should the envelope be opened in front of the person or should it be tucked away to open privately?

I always worry that if I open the envelope in front of the giver, it's as though I am checking the amount. On the other hand, if I don't open it, it might appear that I think their gesture is insignificant. What do you think? -- NOT AN OPEN-OR-SHUT CASE

DEAR NOT: I see no reason not to open the envelope, and to thank the giver verbally on the spot. No mention of the dollar amount should be made unless there is no one else around to overhear. The amount is no one's business but yours. A written thank-you should also be sent to the giver -- preferably before the check clears.

DEAR ABBY: I am at my wit's end with how to deal with my parents. I am 29 years old and live 1,500 miles away from them. If I don't call or talk to them every day, Dad will say something like, "Your mom missed hearing from you on Monday and Tuesday." This is after I have just told them about some event I attended on those nights.

I prefer to talk to them once over the weekend. There would be ample topics to cover, and I wouldn't feel so smothered. Why don't they understand this? I'm tired of feeling pressured to talk to them every single day. How can I politely tell them to ease off a bit? -- TALKED OUT IN TEXAS

DEAR TALKED OUT: Understand that you can't change your parents. Their problem is you have been the sole focus of their lives for so long, they are having a hard time letting go. That said, you must change the way you react to their pressure tactics. The next time you talk to them, be firm, upbeat and direct. Sign off by saying, "Bye! I'll talk to you next Sunday."

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DEAR ABBY: I read with interest your suggestions to "Young Lady Who Needs to Know in Memphis," who asked what important questions should be asked before marriage to ensure a happy union. You listed such subjects as monogamy, emotional and financial independence, child-rearing and discipline, compatible career goals, sex, religion and politics.

I agree with those recommendations, but I think someone should ask: Have you had previous sexual experience?

If the answer is no, this is important information. If the answer is yes, further discussion regarding safe sex, HIV testing, birth control, etc., should ensue, which may also prompt another important question: "Have YOU?" -- M.D. IN HILLSBOROUGH, CALIF.

DEAR DOCTOR: If the couple does not already know that information, I agree, that is another important question. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a pastor who regularly provides premarital counseling to couples who are considering marriage, I would like to say that the "questions" you ask each other are not so important. It's how you LISTEN to each other and the ways in which you communicate your opinions, philosophies and feelings for each other that are most important.

Most often it's not the subject that causes disagreements in marriages, although the issues are always blamed as the cause for the disagreements. Rather, it is the lack of ability to openly and honestly communicate about a variety of subjects, and the inability or unwillingness to really listen and hear each other that causes marital discord.

May God continue to bless your ministry, Abby. -- REV. ANN T. FEW, NEW HOLLAND, PA.

DEAR ANN: Thank you for your kind words. Readers, listen up! There is much wisdom in the reverend's letter.

DEAR ABBY: Having been through one divorce and, fortunately, a much happier second marriage, I would like to share some thoughts on another topic that should be addressed before marriage.

It is: How does he or she and his or her family spend each and every holiday and birthday? This is something that will affect you for the rest of your life. -- HAPPILY REMARRIED IN OREGON

DEAR REMARRIED: That's another good one.

DEAR ABBY: You omitted some important questions from your list. May I add a few?

Have you or anyone in your family suffered from mental illness? Borderline personality disorder? Addictions? Trouble with the law? And most important -- do you get along with his or her mother? -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR B.T., D.T. IN S.D.: I agree. Asking about skeletons in the closet would be wise. At that point, both parties should be prepared to "shake the family tree."

DEAR ABBY: I have been a family mediator for more than 20 years. The one topic I would rank near the top of the list of questions that should be discussed is financial compatibility.

Disagreements over financial matters rank as one of the most frequent causes of divorce. If more couples had a mutual understanding of how they plan to earn, save and spend money, it would go a long way in reducing the divorce rate. -- SHIRLEY P. SEYMOUR, ESQ., POTOMAC, MD.

DEAR SHIRLEY: Right. Mutual goals go a long way toward keeping a couple together.

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DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and come from a big family. About a month ago, some relatives came to the United States and they're living with us for a while. They have two kids -- a girl a year older than I and a boy two years younger (I'll call him Joe).

My dad is constantly pushing me to play with Joe and include him in everything I'm doing. Usually I'm OK with it, but sometimes I just want to be alone to think or read or spend time with friends my age.

Wherever I go, Joe follows me. He doesn't understand English very well, so it's hard to explain that I need time away from him. If I talk to my mom or dad about it, they call me selfish and say I should let Joe come with me. I like Joe, but I don't want him with me ALL the time! Am I being selfish? What should I do, Abby? -- WANT TO BE ALONE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR WANT TO BE ALONE: Look at it this way: Joe is a stranger in a country and culture that's new to him. He is surrounded by people with whom it's difficult to communicate. He must feel very uprooted and alone. Try to get him involved in activities -- like sports -- where language is not so important. That way, he will meet kids his own age and have a chance to excel. It will give you time to yourself, and he won't be so dependent upon you.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Jeanine," and three grandchildren ages 6, 7 and 9 live with my husband and me. Jeanine pays us $25 a week for rent and buys some of the groceries. She works in a convenience store part time and takes some college classes.

I am happy to help my daughter and pay tuition to a private school for the grandkids. However, our utilities have skyrocketed since she and the children moved in two years ago. Jeanine has a bank account, and last week I looked at her checkbook. I was shocked to see that she gives her church $50 to $60 a week. She has also written a check for $2,000 to the same church.

I confronted Jeanine when she got home and things have not been the same since. I know I shouldn't have snooped, but shouldn't she give more toward this household than she contributes to the church? -- FEELING USED IN MACON, GA.

DEAR FEELING USED: In this case, absolutely. But it won't happen unless you put your foot down and make it clear that she must. I'm all for contributing to the church, but charity begins at home, and that means paying a fair share of household expenses.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is seven months pregnant. This is her first child. (I have a 9-year-old son from my first marriage.) Like most expectant parents, we've been looking through baby books for names and have run into a problem.

My wife and I would like to name our baby after me if it's a boy, but we're unsure if that's a no-no because of my oldest son. My first wife had no interest in naming our son after me. Would it be OK to give our baby the "Junior" title, or should we continue to search for another name? -- NEW DADDY AGAIN

DEAR NEW DADDY: As long as "Junior" hasn't been used before, I see no reason why you shouldn't name the baby after you. However, a word to the wise: Include your 9-year-old in the naming process if possible. It will give him "ownership" and head off any possible resentment.

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