DEAR ABBY: My 27-year-old daughter, "Ruthie," was married a year ago. The night before her wedding, Ruthie came to me and said she didn't think she could go through with it. I told her she was "just a nervous bride," and that we had already paid for everything. Ruthie has always done what we wanted her to do and never gave us an ounce of trouble when she was growing up.

A few months after the wedding, I had a hunch that something was wrong. I asked Ruthie if I had told her it was OK to call off the wedding, would she have gotten married. With tears in her eyes, she told me, "No." The marriage is not going well at all. I know in my heart I let my daughter down. What should I do now? -- SAD MOM IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SAD MOM: Take your daughter by the hand, look her in the eye, and tell her that mothers sometimes make mistakes -- and this was one of them. Then let her know that you'll support her in whatever she wants to do.

Suggest that she consult a lawyer. She may qualify for an annulment.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old woman with two kids. I have been about 80 pounds overweight for the last 10 years. My mom drives me crazy because all she talks about is my weight. Yesterday she said, "If someone gave you $10,000 to lose 50 pounds, would you do it?"

Mother's remarks have strained our relationship. I can't stand being around her. Should I put my foot down or just drop it? -- TIPPING THE SCALES IN TEXAS

DEAR TIPPING THE SCALES: Your mother harps on your weight because she is concerned about your health. The next time she brings up the subject, say, "I know you're worried about my weight because you love me. But this is a battle I must fight myself. No one can do this for me. I will deal with this issue when I am ready." If she continues to raise the subject, repeat your statement. It's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to respond to "Unhappy East Coast Wife," who is considering leaving her current husband for her high school sweetheart.

When I read her letter, one comment jumped off the page. She wrote, "My husband and I went to counseling and tried all the things you do when a relationship is failing."

Counseling isn't something only to be done as a last resort. My wife and I see our counselor at church once or twice a year, just to keep any "issues" we may have from escalating. With scheduled appointments, neither of us gets defensive.

Counseling provides us an opportunity to express our feelings to an unbiased, supportive listener -- and keeps the lines of communication open.

Our marriage is blissfully happy. I highly recommend routine sessions with counselors for all couples. -- HAPPILY MARRIED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR HAPPILY MARRIED: It takes courage to confront problems in a relationship as they arise. Too many people sweep them under the carpet and hope they'll go away. (They don't.)

I'm all for your "preventive maintenance" sessions. Thank you for sharing your solution to an almost universal problem.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Last year, my husband "Rick," and I were asked to host an exchange student from Sweden. When Rick saw "Inga" for the first time at the airport, he told me he felt an "instant bond." He now wants to help her with all her goals and objectives. Those goals include Inga never returning to Sweden. Rick is talking about letting her live with us while she finishes high school and community college.

Rick spends many hours helping Inga perfect her English and do homework. He takes time off work to take her on day trips to see our local "points of interest." He comes home early from work to watch her compete in swim meets and volleyball.

I am jealous that Rick is giving Inga all this attention because he has never done it for our daughter or me. When I comment about how much time he spends with her, he pouts. One minute he says he wishes he had never met her; the next he's talking about Inga living with us permanently and sponsoring her citizenship. I think he's obsessed with her. What do you think? -- FEELING FORGOTTEN IN FLORIDA

DEAR FEELING FORGOTTEN: I think it's time to call the organization that sent Inga to you, tell them it's not working out, and arrange for her transfer to other lodging. The girl is underage and the situation is explosive. Do it to save your marriage -- and the girl's and your husband's reputations. Then insist on marriage counseling.

P.S. If your husband isn't willing to go along with this, tell him you're going to exchange HIM for a more responsible role model.

DEAR ABBY: I'm at my wit's end. Five years ago, my daughter, "Julie," moved in with me. Later, her boyfriend, "Rick," moved in and then Julie's adult daughter, "Lisa." (Julie and Rick are now married.) Between them, they give me about $300 for rent each month.

Things were OK until about 18 months ago. Rick's attitude toward me changed and so did Julie's. They have control of my whole house, Abby. Lisa sleeps in a room they set up for her in my attic. Last month, Julie and Rick decided we should have a "family meeting." Lisa was included. (Lisa has a job and contributes about $100 a month for her share of the rent.)

They announced that they will no longer buy food, cleaning or toilet supplies for the house -- just for themselves. They now put their names on everything. I feel like I'm in jail in my own home. I pay the mortgage, the utility bills and the taxes. They pay two-thirds of the water bill.

They moved out once but couldn't make it on their own, and I foolishly allowed them to move back in. Now Rick is the boss of my house and Julie goes along with everything he says. I don't know what to do. I'm considering moving out. It's hurtful that they'd treat me like this. I'm not a youngster -- I'm over 60.

Can you help me? -- EMOTIONALLY ABANDONED IN MARYLAND

DEAR EMOTIONALLY ABANDONED: If your daughter and her husband are putting their names on your house, your car or other property, pick up the phone and call a lawyer. If you don't have one, get a referral from a trusted friend or your local bar association. The lawyer can also explain your rights in your home so that your family can't take advantage of you any longer.

Under no circumstances should you leave your home. If anyone goes, it must be your daughter and her family. You are being emotionally abused.

Once you have talked to your attorney, offer your "family" the option of family counseling. No one should feel like a prisoner in her own home, so please do not tolerate it for one more day.

Let me hear from you when you have followed my advice. I'm concerned about your welfare.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I was in high school 10 years ago, I had a huge crush on "Jimmy." We were friends -- nothing more. After graduation, Jimmy and I went our separate ways.

I eventually met someone else and I am now happily married with two young children. However, I have never completely forgotten Jimmy. I look for him from time to time on the Internet -- and daydream about him often.

My high school reunion was last summer. For the first time in a decade, I finally saw Jimmy again and met his wife. To my disappointment, we did not pick up where we left off and had very little to say to each other. But seeing him gave me butterflies in my stomach. My daydreams about him are now stronger than ever.

Why can't I get him out of my mind? I know nothing is ever going to happen, but I feel like I'm being unfaithful to my husband. Please help.-- DISTRACTED WIFE IN THE LONE STAR STATE

DEAR DISTRACTED WIFE: You need to find out why you have chosen to obsess about a romance that never was and never will be. Until you do, you'll never be completely satisfied. Please don't think you're alone in having this problem. Fishermen and hunters often can't forget "the one that got away." Individual counseling will help you get the answers you're looking for.

DEAR ABBY: My husband died one year ago. I wore a gray outfit to his funeral instead of the traditional one. I have the feeling that some of the people there thought it was strange.

In recent years, I have noticed that some brides have worn a pale pink or an off-white gown, and I have seen bridesmaids wearing black taffeta with red. If this trend is acceptable, was my wearing a gray outfit at my husband's funeral OK? This has bothered me for a year. Please advise. -- WORRIED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR WORRIED: Subdued colors are proper attire for a funeral; therefore, gray is perfectly acceptable.

If any of the attendees were more preoccupied with what you wore in your time of grief than in paying their respects, they have too much time on their hands. Please do not make their "problems" your own. Let it go.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Jake," and I have been fighting a lot lately. He says I am controlling and possessive.

I am a 32-year-old divorced mother of two. Jake is 31, and we have been dating nearly two years. The problem is, Jake used to see his friends two or three times a month, but for the past two weeks he has been going out with these single, balding, wannabe frat boys six or seven nights. He justifies it by accusing me of being controlling, and saying he never gets to hang out with his buddies anymore.

I admit I do make comments about his friends, who think beer is a breakfast drink. When Jake is with them, he becomes one of them -- rude and crude. This concerns me because I have two young children, and Jake and I have talked about making a life together. I'm starting to wonder what kind of life that might be.

What do you think? -- POSSESSIVE? IN BUFFALO, N.Y.

DEAR POSSESSIVE?: Two weeks is not a long time, but you are asking intelligent questions. Birds of a feather usually flock together -- and from your description of Jake, he may not yet be ready to build a marriage nest with you or anyone. Be patient for a few weeks. Refrain from finger-pointing. If Jake continues in this vein, then it's time for you to have a truth session.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)