DEAR ABBY: I am 25 years old. My parents and I had a good relationship. Mother died nine months ago, and Dad is living with me. I'm now having mixed feelings about it. I let my father move in with me so he wouldn't be alone.

What bothers me is he has been involved with at least nine women in the months since Mom died. He and Mother were married 26 years, and it depresses me when I see him with other women in my home. He acts like it's OK to bring his ladyfriends here, but I think it's disrespectful to Mother for him to see other women so soon after her death.

What can I do about Dad's behavior? -- SAD AND MAD AT DAD

DEAR SAD AND MAD AT DAD: I don't know how long your mother was ill before her death, but your father may have done his grieving at that time. It's also possible that her death has made him realize how short life is.

It was loving and caring of you to take him in. But now that he's living the life of a swinging bachelor, it's time to tell him he needs a bachelor pad of his own. What goes on under your roof is your business -- so make it your business to recommend grief counseling to your father before he makes any important decisions that could affect the rest of his life. You'll be doing him a favor.

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Michelle," is going to be 13 next month. Her mom died recently, and she's been hanging out with an older boy who encourages her to steal cigarettes from the store and smoke them. Maybe it's just a phase, but I'm worried about Michelle. Do you think that I should end our friendship? -- WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND IN MONTANA

DEAR WORRIED: You are right to be concerned about your friend. Everyone knows that smoking is addictive, but it is particularly addictive among teenagers and pre-teens. Tell your mother what you have told me. Michelle's father needs to know that his daughter is stealing. He also needs to know that the boy she's hanging out with is bad news. If he's encouraging her to steal, what else might he be encouraging her to do?

In the meantime, limit your time with Michelle. And make absolutely sure that you're not with her when she's stealing -- or you could be accused of being an accessory to the crime.

DEAR ABBY: I have always loved my daughter-in-law, "Lucy," and treated her well. Last year, for my son "Tim's" birthday, Lucy surprised him by booking a cruise and inviting her mother along. I felt slighted to have been excluded, so when her mother called me two months later and asked me if I'd share her stateroom and the cost, I refused.

I see Lucy's mother only at Christmas. Last year, Christmas fell after I had refused her offer. Both Lucy and her mother treated me coldly, bordering on rudeness. I was miserable. What is your opinion on this? -- MISERABLE MOTHER-IN-LAW IN FLORIDA

DEAR MISERABLE: I'd call it adding insult to injury, and I don't blame you for declining an invitation that was obviously an afterthought. Before this rift gets any wider, it's time for Tim to have a serious chat with his wife and her mother about their insensitivity where you're concerned. After all, you're all part of the same extended family now.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a happily married woman with two wonderful children and a husband I adore (I'll call him Keith). My problem: I have been hiding a secret. I am a chronic spender. I have racked up thousands of dollars on two credit cards that are in my name. Keith has no idea the accounts exist.

Buying things for Keith and the children and things for the house has always made me happy. I once thought I could control my spending. I'm afraid Keith will divorce me if he finds out what I've done. He has always been frugal, and even though I work full-time, he pays the bills and gives me an allowance.

I lie awake at night worrying about the day my husband discovers we're so deep in debt. What can I do? Please print this because I can't take the chance of getting a letter in the mail. -- ADDICTED TO SPENDING

DEAR ADDICTED: Your husband must be told the truth because it is going to take both of you -- working together -- to climb out of this hole.

First, schedule an appointment with your physician to be screened for depression. Many overspenders suffer from an underlying depression.

Next, contact a credit counseling agency. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling has more than 1,300 community-based agency offices across the country. They provide consumer counseling and education services on budgeting, credit and debt resolution. Their members can be identified by the NFCC member seal, which signifies high standards for agency accreditation, counselor certification, and policies that ensure free or low-cost, confidential services. Member offices can be reached toll-free at: (800) 388-2227, or online at www.nfcc.org.

Another established group with strict quality standards is the Association of Independent Consumer Credit Counseling Agencies (AICCCA). AICCCA has affiliates in all 50 states. To locate the closest AICCCA member office, call (800) 450-1794 or visit www.aiccca.org and click on the "Find a Counseling Agency" link.

And last, but not least, please call Debtors Anonymous for guidance and emotional support. The address is P.O. Box 920888, Needham, MA 02492. The Web site is www.debtorsanonymous.org.

I repeat: You CANNOT do this alone. Because spouses are responsible for each other's debt, you must tell your husband. However, if he knows that you have already begun reaching out for help and support, he may be more forgiving. Now, get going!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are newlyweds, and I'm having a problem with his family. I was taught never to go empty-handed to a dinner and to always leave what I took for the hostess.

I invited my husband's family to a holiday dinner. After we ate, they packed up all their leftovers and took them home. I was so busy cooking, serving and clearing that I didn't have time to eat -- so I ended up hungry.

Were my in-laws rude? Should I say something or keep my mouth shut? They are coming over again soon and I need to know if I should quickly hide the leftovers I want to keep or go with the flow. -- HUNGRY HOSTESS IN N.Y.

DEAR HUNGRY: "Hiding" the leftovers won't work because if your in-laws are as territorial about food as they appear to be, they won't be fooled.

The next time you cook them dinner sit down and enjoy it with them. That's what a good hostess does. Either that, or make sure you have eaten enough before they arrive so that you won't go hungry later.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Our son, "Jonas," got into trouble with the law because of drugs. He is now in rehab seven days a week, and lives here with his father, "Harry," and me. I'm proud to say Jonas is doing well. However, one condition set by the court is that alcohol not be on the premises where he lives.

When Jonas told Harry about it, Harry went ballistic and claimed his own rights were being infringed upon by the courts. Harry stubbornly insists that he will drink beer in his own home if he chooses even though it could get our son sent to jail.

I am standing my ground that alcohol may not be brought into our home. I used to have a glass or two of wine in the evenings, but I'm willing to sacrifice that in order to protect our son's freedom.

I am so torn. I love my husband, but I can hardly stand to look at him right now, because he is willing to risk his son's freedom for a beer. How can he think like that? -- WORRIED MOTHER

DEAR WORRIED: You have every right to be concerned because if there is a surprise search, your son will be blamed for something that's not his fault.

It's unfortunate that your husband is either so wedded to his beer, or such a stubborn contrarian, that he's unwilling to sacrifice his transitory pleasure for the sake of his child. You can't force him to make a mature decision. Since he's unwilling to cooperate, it might be in your son's best interest to live elsewhere.

DEAR ABBY: I was 15 years old when I met "Andy," and by my 19th birthday we were married. We have been together 31 years and have two wonderful sons. Now that they have moved out, it's just the two of us. The problem we seem to have is communication.

It is difficult to talk to Andy about anything without getting into an argument. The only safe topic we can discuss is his job, which he absolutely loves. Most of the time, I just sit here nodding and pretending to be interested while deep inside I want to scream.

When I want to talk about something that interests me, I call a friend or family member, but I would much rather spend quality time talking with my husband. Abby, please tell me how I can break down these barriers of communication and open Andy's mind and heart to me. -- TOTALLY FRUSTRATED IN MARYLAND

DEAR FRUSTRATED: It's possible that your husband's range of interests extends no farther than his office walls. It's also possible that this didn't become obvious before because your attention was focused on raising your children, and his role was cast as being "the provider."

It would be wonderful if the two of you could cultivate an interest together -- travel, a class of some sort, etc. Another excellent option would be to explore Marriage Encounter. The telephone number is (800) 828-3351, and the Web site www.marriage-encounter.org. Please consider it. They have saved many marriages that were on the brink.

DEAR ABBY: My father has a mistress! I know this because I saw them together. He doesn't know that I know. Should I tell my mother? They've been married since 1982. There's someone downstairs, so I must finish this quickly! If I tell, I will be betraying my father. If I don't tell, I will be betraying my mother. Help. Please! -- ANONYMOUS DAUGHTER IN BRAZIL

DEAR DAUGHTER: I don't know what you saw, or how you "know" that the woman your father was with is his mistress and not an acquaintance. However, the first person you should tell is your father. If there isn't an innocent explanation, then tell your mother what you saw.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)