DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been friends with "Joyce and Dave" for many years. Our children are the same ages and go to school together. We have always enjoyed each other's company.

I find myself increasingly attracted to Dave, and I think the feeling is mutual. I have great strength of character, as I believe Dave does, but spending time with Joyce and him is becoming difficult.

Dave and I do not speak to each other in any way other than with respect and humor -- but there's an underlying sexual tension I can't ignore.

I don't want to spoil our families' shared times together, but I feel I am playing with fire. What should I do? -- CARLA IN PHOENIX

DEAR CARLA: People who play with fire usually get burned. It's time to take an honest look at your marriage and figure out what is missing. It's also time to enlarge your circle of friends and cut back on the time you have available for Joyce and Dave. Please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: I identified with the letter from "Private Guy in San Jose," whose in-laws come for month-long visits twice a year. My mother-in-law used to visit for six weeks or more several times a year, with no date set for her return home 3,000 miles away. I told my husband I could handle her visits better if there were a return date to which I could look forward, but it never happened.

After years of frustration, I finally decided to create my own "escape" date. Six weeks was my limit. After that, I'd leave to visit my parents, thus letting my husband entertain his mother by himself.

It was amazing the speed with which my husband put his mother on a plane home!

Perhaps "Private Guy" could arrange a "business trip" or a visit to his own relatives after two weeks of hosting his in-laws. -- PROBLEM SOLVED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PROBLEM SOLVED: That's certainly better than sitting home feeling infringed upon and allowing resentment to build. Even the freshest fish can turn foul if it is kept beyond the expiration date. Thank you for the helpful suggestion.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Steve" for six years. Three years ago, Steve promised me an engagement ring. I am still waiting for it.

I graduate from college in May and I plan to move to the city where Steve lives. Steve says we can't live together, though, because his parents won't allow that unless we're married. But, Abby, we're both 26!

Steve claims he's saving money for a ring, but last summer he managed to spend nearly $2,000 on vacation trips and sheets for his bed.

I can't wait forever. How long is too long? -- WAITING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WAITING: THIS is too long. If Steve was on the level, he would have postponed the trips, passed up the sheets and celebrated your engagement by now. He isn't ready for marriage. Since you are, I'd say it's time to move on.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a son who is 33. He has four children and lives in another state. About a year ago, he asked me to co-sign on a house loan. I refused. Now he won't speak to me. He didn't even attend his grandmother's funeral.

I don't know how to bridge this gap between us except by signing the note. I really can't afford it, but I miss my son and grandchildren. -- HURTING IN OHIO

DEAR HURTING: Under no circumstances should you give in to your son's emotional blackmail, particularly since you cannot afford it. If you do, it will be only the beginning of what he will demand from you. And if you try to refuse, the scenario will repeat itself.

Continue to send your grandchildren birthday and holiday greetings, and let's hope your son grows up before they do.

DEAR ABBY: There is a subject in my house that's causing conflict: school sports. Neither of my children is interested in playing. They do well academically. They take advanced classes and music, as well as dance and gymnastics outside of school.

My husband insists they participate in a school sport. He says they'll never be accepted into college without a school sport, and if they are, they won't be eligible for a scholarship. Is this true? -- WONDERING ABOUT SCHOOL SPORTS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WONDERING: No, it's not. I posed your question to Hanan Eisenman, media coordinator of admissions at the University of California. He says the University of California does not require high school athletics for eligibility. Eligibility for admission is based on grades from college preparatory courses and on scores on the appropriate admissions tests.

Like most selective colleges, the university also looks for talent and leadership in a broad range of areas, only one of which is sports. The vast majority of scholarships are based on qualifications such as academics and financial need, not high school sports. By far the most important criterion for admission for virtually all colleges and universities is academic achievement.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend, "David," for a year. He moved in with me four months ago. We generally get along great, even though he hasn't given me his share of the rent since his hours were cut at work. Frankly, it feels like we are more like roommates or friends than lovers, but I was sure I would never meet anyone who could compare.

Last weekend I was out of town, a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. David was unable to attend, so she matched me up with a groomsman I'll call Chad. Well, the chemistry between us was so thick you could have cut it with a knife.

Chad and I can't ignore the connection we made. He has invited me to visit him. I don't know what to do. I am having serious doubts about my relationship with David. Should I give Chad a chance? -- BRIDESMAID IN WAITING IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR BRIDESMAID: Absolutely! But before your relationship with Chad goes any further, you must level with David. Remember, honesty is the best policy -- and in the long run it is better for all concerned.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl in my first year of high school. Two years ago, this 18-year-old guy, "John," touched me on a private area of my body. I told my mom. She didn't believe me, so she asked John if it was true. He denied it, and she accused me of being a liar.

My problem is, I am supposed to have a physical examination in a few weeks. My mom says the doctor will examine me in the place that John touched me. Even though my doctor is a woman, I don't want to go through with that part of the physical. My mom doesn't understand. Abby, please help me. How can I get out of it? -- SCARED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR SCARED: A pelvic examination is not part of a routine physical. But since you have concerns about this, discuss them with the doctor when you see her.

That your mother refused to believe you when you reported to her that you had been taken advantage of by John is appalling; that she'd take his word above yours is worse. I hope when you talk to the doctor you'll share with her what happened to you and get the support you deserve. John should be reported. Since he has gotten away with it with you, he could easily assault another child.

DEAR ABBY: Would it be rude for my husband and me to contact our relatives before the Christmas holidays begin and politely ask them not to buy anything for us? We have relatives, with whom we are not close, who always give us gifts when we see them at Christmastime. Our finances are limited, but we feel obligated to reciprocate. How should we handle this? -- NO THANKS IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR NO THANKS: Yours is a question I am asked repeatedly at holiday time. Write a brief letter to your relatives explaining the circumstances. Tell them your affection for them has not waned but that your finances have; therefore you would feel more comfortable not exchanging gifts this year.

Keep in mind that the most important "gift" is the fact that you are all healthy and able to celebrate the holiday together. Not all families are so fortunate.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your response to "Afraid in the Broken Heartland." Your warning signs of an abuser caught my eye. I recognized my husband in 11 out of the 15 you listed. I had put off leaving him out of fear for myself and our beautiful 3-year-old daughter. However, when I read that 65 percent of abusers who beat their wives go on to abuse their children, I decided I could not allow this to happen to my little girl.

I moved out and I have seen a lawyer. We will soon be free from my abusive husband and will no longer live in fear.

Thank you, Abby. Please continue to put the warning signs in your column. I pray they will help others to face the truth as they helped me. -- NO LONGER A VICTIM

DEAR NO LONGER A VICTIM: So do I, because some of the saddest letters I have received have come from grieving family members who wrote: "I only wish my daughter (or sister) had seen those warning signs before her husband killed her." I am not implying that women cannot also be abusers, because some women are. And abuse also happens between same-sex couples, I'm sad to say.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)