DEAR ABBY: "Krista in Jacksonville" complained that her husband sneaks up behind her when she's alone in the house and scares her. He also appears out of nowhere when she's in the shower. You advised her that his behavior is childish and a touch sadistic -- and told her to hang bells on her door frames and lock the bathroom door.

While your answer was good, you may have overlooked something. Sneaking up on someone, especially a spouse, could be considered a precursor to an abusive relationship. The person doing the sneaking has the control and is doing it to scare the other person. I think Krista and her husband should get marital counseling. -- SEEN IT BEFORE IN BOISE

DEAR SEEN IT BEFORE: While I did not consider the husband's behavior to be ominous, your point is worth considering. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My father used to do the same thing to my mother (and me and my siblings) until he caught her off guard one night when she nearly slapped him back into the previous week. (She claimed it was a reflex.) He's never sneaked up on any of us again. -- ANDREA IN BARSTOW, CALIF.

DEAR ANDREA: He should have considered himself lucky. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: It was with a knowing smile that I read Krista's letter. Unfortunately, sneaking up on her could put her husband's life in danger. My husband used to enjoy doing that, too, that is, until one evening when I was in the kitchen cutting some meat for dinner, and he scared me. Without meaning to, I almost stabbed him. Thankfully, I missed. Needless to say, it hasn't happened again. Ever since that incident, he always announces his presence. As a matter of fact, he kind of reminds me of the old TV series where the husband would walk in the door and holler, "Honey, I'm home!" -- MEGAN IN WYOMING

DEAR MEGAN: That's one way to get your "point" across.

DEAR ABBY: My husband also liked to scare me. One night he came up from behind as I was leaving the bathroom. The hallway light was off and, not knowing who or what was behind me, my reaction was one of self-defense. I turned and hit as hard as I could.

Ten years have passed since that incident, and I recently heard him telling our kids the story of why not EVER to scare Mama. -- PATRICIA IN MANHATTAN BEACH

DEAR PATRICIA: It seems you made a lasting impression.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "Krista in Jacksonville," and her husband who sneaks up behind her when she's alone in the house: I notice she didn't mention why he persists in doing it.

I used to "surprise" my girlfriend like that, but in retrospect, I wasn't admitting even to myself that I expected to find her with someone else. -- FORMER TIPTOER IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR FORMER TIPTOER: It would be interesting to know whether your fears were justified. The kind of insecurity you describe feeds upon itself, and no amount of reassurance can make it go away. It is telling that you use the past tense to describe that relationship. Thank you for laying it on the line and providing food for thought to readers of both sexes.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: A year ago I was placed in an emergency shelter for seven months, until I graduated from high school. I turned 18 three weeks ago. Because of state guidelines, I was forced to leave the shelter and went to a foster home for a week.

The shelter has a policy that there be no contact between the staff and clients for 18 months, but I was allowed to call there. Last week, I got a call from the director of the shelter, saying I "needed to stop calling and move on with my life." My problem is, before I went there I had no positive support or role models, and now, when something good happens, I want to call and talk to one of them because I got real close to them.

Do you have any advice on how to move on with my life? -- LOST IN ALABAMA

DEAR LOST: It is unconscionable that children are dumped from the system with no skills, no one to confide in, and no one to mentor them.

Contact the foster youth program in your state. Ask to speak to a social worker and inquire about transitional counseling and support. You should also contact the YWCA and see if they provide mentoring. You have reached a point where you must decide where you want to go in life. Have you considered a vocational school or college? Their financial offices can provide suggestions about part-time employment while you're completing your education. Once you're enrolled, you'll meet other young people with positive goals and make friends.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in the fall and have asked my niece to be the only musician and play her violin in my wedding. She agreed to do it as a gift to me.

I want her to purchase a bridesmaid's dress and shoes (together about $220) so she'll match the bridesmaids, as she'll be in the front of the church. Her family refuses to buy the dress or shoes. This has upset me and my family and caused a lot of tension.

It is my wedding, and I feel they should accommodate my wishes. Don't you agree? -- HURT IN KENTUCKY

DEAR HURT: Not necessarily. Two hundred and twenty dollars may not seem like much to you, but it may be to your niece. So be prepared to pony up the money and pay for her outfit if you're determined that she match the bridesmaids.

Look at it this way: You're getting a live musician at no cost. Consider the costume your gift to HER for participating in your dream wedding.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old high school student. My friend "Denise" has an almost insane crush on a friend of ours. Denise is so obsessed with him that she has hysterical fits of crying and rage if he pays attention to another girl. She talks about suicide if she can't be with him.

I know this is not normal, but I don't know what to do. I'm concerned Denise will hurt herself or someone else. -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN CALGARY

DEAR CONCERNED: Tell your parents, a teacher, or a counselor at school about her behavior, her threats and your concerns. Your friend has gone off the deep end and may need to be psychologically evaluated.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My name is "Sunny," but I don't feel very sunny. I'm 13 and have many problems. I'm afraid I'm on a wrong track and won't be able to do what I know I should with my life. My grades aren't good, and I keep getting myself into hot water. My mother has a lot of health problems, so she doesn't need my problems on top of hers. I keep asking myself why this is happening to us.

Mother told me she wants me to live a life that will make me happy, and not let her poor health ruin my teen years. Is it wrong for me to enjoy these years and plan what I want to do with my future even though my mother is very sick? What can I do to get my life back on the right track? -- SUNNY IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SUNNY: The most important thing you can do is stop feeling guilty for enjoying yourself. I can think of nothing that would make your mother happier than to know you are living your life to the fullest and exercising your potential.

Talk to a counselor at school about how to get your grade level back where it should be. If you are in with the wrong crowd, involve yourself in activities where you will make constructive and rewarding friendships. And most of all, share your victories with your mother. Share your concerns with her as well. It will make her -- and you -- feel better. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old daughter was hired to baby-sit our friend's 1-year-old infant. When she arrived, she was told she would also be watching the next-door neighbor's two small children, both under 3 years of age. The parents were going out together, and the babies next door were put to bed, the house was locked, and my daughter was given a baby monitor so she could hear if there was a problem.

When I heard this, I was furious that they'd put a 15-year-old in that position and leave small children locked in a house alone. I said as much.

Now my daughter, husband and our friends are all mad at me for making them uncomfortable about their "arrangement." Apparently, they do it all the time -- both couples hire one sitter and leave one house unattended. These people are young, educated, drive expensive cars and can afford a sitter.

I told them I would call Social Services if they continue to leave the babies unattended.

My family thinks I owe them an apology. Do I? -- FURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FURIOUS: No, you do not. What these "friends" are doing is illegal, as well as unconscionable. If something should go wrong -- like a fire -- your daughter could be left with lifelong guilt and trauma. Please continue to look out for your daughter's interests. Being a conscientious parent means not always being popular.

DEAR ABBY: My mother wants me to go by my stepfather's name. My birth father also wants me to use his name. I want to use his name, not my stepfather's, but Mother disagrees. How do I tell her how I feel about this? -- DOE OR DALEY

DEAR DOE OR DALEY: Tell your mother again how you feel about the name change. You are your father's child, and it is wrong for your mother to try to obscure that fact. Since you are a minor, the decision may be hers, but perhaps she would compromise and allow you to hyphenate your father's name with your stepfather's. It's worth a try.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)