DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years and usually agree wholeheartedly with your advice. However, I was stunned to read your reply to "On the Spot" in New Jersey, who chose not to invite her neighbor's 8- and 6-year-old children to her son's bar mitzvah.

Yes, it's true that children are invited to bar mitzvahs. But in this case, the neighbor's children are not family and are too young to be playmates of the bar mitzvah boy. The parents are within their rights to exclude these children from the guest list, especially when the cost of additional guests is taken into consideration. Furthermore, it was rude of the invitees to RSVP that their uninvited children would attend. -- LINDA M., ROCKVILLE, MD.

DEAR LINDA: You're right -- I goofed. My readers were quick to set me straight. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and recently had a bat mitzvah myself. I understand the situation. This was a challenge for our family, too.

Abby, these affairs are expensive, and it is not always affordable to include kids who are not close to the family. Also, young children can't sit through a three-hour service. That mother should discuss the situation with her neighbors and tell them that due to budget and space restrictions, the number of guests is limited. -- ASHLEY S., FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.

DEAR ASHLEY: Where were you when I needed you?

DEAR ABBY: The bottom line is, it takes "chutzpah" to include uninvited children. -- SUE K., WEST ORANGE, N.J.

DEAR SUE: It also takes a lot of nerve or gall ("chutzpah") to bring uninvited guests to weddings, anniversaries and other invitation-only events. However, if my mail is an indicator, chutzpah is one commodity that's never in short supply.

DEAR ABBY: I am planning a small, intimate wedding this summer. Most of our guests will be family and very close friends.

My mother asked me to invite a longtime friend and co-worker. We sent the woman a save-the-date card. When Mother saw her the next day at work, the friend said she would be happy to attend -- if she didn't have a "band gig." Mother felt embarrassed and slighted. She would now like to start working from home to avoid this person and has asked me not to send an invitation. What should I do? -- SOON-TO-BE BRIDE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SOON-TO-BE-BRIDE: Since the co-worker has indicated that if a job comes up she might be absent, take the hint and don't send the invitation. Better that she was honest in advance about the fact she might be able to attend, rather than being a no-show.

P.S. Although your mother is disappointed, she should not let her co-worker's reaction spoil a warm workplace relationship. Avoiding the woman is not the answer. Forgiving her and moving on is.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old, single college student. I live on my own and work two jobs in order to make ends meet. I recently told my dad I want to move back home, because working two jobs and going to school is wearing me out -- not to mention reflecting badly on my grades. My dad is very excited at the prospect.

The reason I moved out was my stepmother. I can't stand her. She is very controlling, and we have never gotten along. I have tried to make peace with her since I left, but she is still the same. She tells me what time I should be home at night when I go out with my friends!

Abby, at this point I am used to being on my own and not having to account to anyone for my time. How am I going to make this drastic change? -- TROUBLED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR T. in T.: By gritting your teeth and recognizing that there's no free lunch. Instead of paying rent for a roof over your head, you will be sacrificing some of your freedom. Once you accept that this is an exchange -- and that it will help you achieve a goal -- you'll adapt. However, if you can't accept the terms, I advise you to stay where you are, because moving back will only cause aggravation for all concerned.

P.S. Your stepmother's insistence on a curfew may have to do with not wanting to be worried about you until all hours nor be awakened in the middle of the night.

DEAR ABBY: My parents watched two of my younger children last week while my husband and I took our older children on vacation. Today, while helping my 5-year-old daughter visit a Barbie Web site, I discovered someone had used my computer to extensively visit a pornographic Web site.

We have three computers, and my father had access only to this one. Our other computers were unaffected. I know these Web sites were not on my computer when we left. Our family has always joked with my dad about the amount of time he spends on computers, but we assumed it was for work.

Should I tell my parents what I found? I'm disgusted that Dad would use my computer this way and that my children were exposed to pictures of naked women. The bottom line is I do not want this material in my house, nor do I want someone around my kids who engages in this behavior. Please advise. -- NOT IN MY HOUSE

DEAR NOT: Tell your parents what you found and let your father know that you feel he betrayed your trust. To ensure that it doesn't happen again, either install parental control software on your computers or discuss it with your Internet service provider so access to these sites can be blocked. Once that's done, I see no reason to keep your children from a loving grandfather as long as he views his adult material in his own home, in private.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are being married in a few months. It's the second time around for both of us. Only our parents and children will attend.

We would like to send announcements to the rest of the family afterward to share our joy, but we worry that it might be considered a bid for gifts.

Is there a proper way to put something like "No gifts, please" on the announcements? -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING IN RENO

DEAR WANTS: Wedding announcements carry no obligation regarding gifts -- and no reference should be made to gifts when sharing your happy news. If you are contacted and asked about gifts, that is the time to verbally state that no gifts are necessary or expected.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: "Distancing in Washington" wrote that after 10 years of marriage and two daughters, she and her spouse are on the verge of divorce. You recommended Marriage Encounter.

Abby, her difficulty appears to be a bit beyond the scope of Marriage Encounter. Marriage Encounter is for marriages in good shape looking to improve.

I suggest she check into Retrouvaille.org. This international program was developed in 1976 by Marriage Encounter couples in Quebec, Canada, for the purpose of addressing serious marriage problems. Let me give you an analogy: Marriage Encounter is a "tune-up" for marriages NOT in crisis. Retrouvaille is an overhaul for marriages in danger of falling apart.

Retrouvaille places strong emphasis on the communications techniques needed to repair hurting marriages, including 12 post-weekend sessions of about two hours each. My wife and I have been involved in both programs. (All the people involved in Marriage Encounter and Retrouvaille are volunteers.) The steps in Marriage Encounter are romance, disillusionment and joy. In Retrouvaille, the steps are romance, disillusionment, misery and hope. -- G.H. FROM ARIZONA

DEAR G.H.: Thank you for straightening me out. I would like to add that although Retrouvaille is a program under the umbrella of the Catholic Church, Catholic theology is NOT part of the program and a couple's religion (or lack of religion) is never a factor -- nor is anyone's financial status.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Distancing in Washington" said that she is no longer attracted to her husband and that her two beautiful daughters come first before anything. Her problem may be that her priorities are out of order.

Children should be a welcome addition to the family -- not the center of it. She and her spouse need to make a date once a week to focus on each other and remember the reasons they married. Children eventually leave -- if you do your job right. -- READER IN CORAOPOLIS, PA.

DEAR READER: I agree.

DEAR ABBY: My blood froze when I read the letter from "Distancing in Washington." She should run with her husband to their doctor and ask for a complete physical exam with blood work. If he won't go, she should talk with his doctor.

My kind and gentle husband of 10 years sat me down a week ago and told me he's addicted to pain pills and has been for three years. (His doctor had prescribed them to control chronic back pain.) Her letter scared me because that is how it all started in my marriage -- with fights, loss of affection and physical contact. My friendly, well-educated, hardworking husband slowly turned into a withdrawn, exhausted stranger who snapped at the kids, ignored me and couldn't keep a job.

I thought he was depressed, tired, getting old and no longer in love with me. Now I find that he has a terrible addiction. Please urge "Distancing" to seek help now -- before she is in my position. I am hanging on by my fingernails hoping my wonderful husband will reappear out of the wreckage. -- KNOWS BETTER NOW IN MAINE

DEAR KNOWS BETTER: Thank you for the reminder that changes in personality can indicate that something is medically wrong and should be brought to the attention of one's physician. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your husband's recovery.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)