DEAR ABBY: I had a baby girl seven weeks ago. Her name is "Madison." My mother-in-law is here visiting from another country to help me. My problem is she insists on taking Madison into her bed with her at night so I can sleep.

I prefer that our daughter sleep in her bassinet, because my mother-in-law weighs between 350 and 375 pounds, and I'm afraid she could accidentally roll over on the baby. When I asked her the other night to please use the bassinet, she waved her hand at me in a very disrespectful gesture, and then stomped into her room with Madison.

I told my husband to tell her that I wanted my daughter in the bassinet, and she told him to tell me to come in and get her.

Am I being ridiculous to be afraid? I never have Madison in my bed, because I'm afraid of rolling over on her. -- SCARED NEW MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR SCARED: You are not ridiculous; you are a conscientious new mother, and your concerns are valid. Stick to your guns, and if it means getting less help from your mother-in-law -- so be it. And stop asking your husband to intercede for you. This is between you and your mother-in-law. If she waves her hand at you again, wave this item back at her and hand her her plane ticket home.

DEAR ABBY: I need advice. A former co-worker has invited me to her wedding. It's between her and her girlfriend. If I go, I'll have to take my 4-year-old son because I don't have a sitter.

Part of me thinks I should go and take him because they're a nice couple who have been together for seven years. They love each other, and it would be good for my son to learn that it's OK to be different. However, the other part of me thinks, "How am I going to answer the inevitable question, 'Mummy, why is that girl kissing the other girl?'" I know I could answer it with, "Because they love each other," but I think it's a bit of a leap for a 4-year-old. Then again, I'm thinking if I don't take him, I am breeding intolerance and hate -- and that is not my aim.

Should I go, or just send a gift and my best wishes? -- HELP! IN JACKSONVILLE, FLA.

DEAR HELP!: Whether to take him or not depends on whether there will be other children at the wedding. If he's the only child there, he could be bored. If other children are included, he will probably regard it as a nice party and nothing more. Should he ask why one person is kissing the other, tell the truth -- because they love each other. You don't have to deliver a 15-minute lecture on tolerance. Besides, by the time the wedding cake is served, he'll be more interested in dessert and playing with his contemporaries than any life lesson. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: When an invitation to a party states, "No gifts, please," do people really mean it?

I have heard people mention how much they got after such parties, who gave what, and how cheap "so-and-so" was. I thought "no gifts" really meant no gifts.

If you come giftless, are you in the wrong? -- CONFUSED PARTYGOER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CONFUSED: "No gifts" means exactly what it says. People who describe their guests as "cheap" and complain that what was given to them wasn't good enough are petty gossips whose parties you should avoid.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ollie," and I are in our late 40s and have been married 25 years. The first five were rocky, but we made it work -- and then the children came along.

Ollie has become so controlling I can hardly breathe. I work 55 hours a week. My only extravagance is buying coffee and a snack and lunch at work a couple of times a week. Ollie demands to know where every penny goes and what I'm "wasting" it on.

Abby, I don't do drugs or gamble, and I'm not a shopaholic. But grocery and household costs have risen. Ollie does none of the shopping, refuses to go with me, and denies that prices have gone up. We are not destitute. He has his own business. I am emotionally drained. He refuses to go to counseling.

The moment I get home in the evening, he starts berating me. Our kids are in high school and usually scatter when he starts yelling. He isn't hitting me, but I feel beaten emotionally. I get a lump in my throat and my chest constricts when I try to figure out what to do. Can verbal abusers become physical abusers? I find myself working longer hours so I don't have to come home, but I'm afraid he'll start on the kids if I'm not there. Should I see a lawyer? Without outside intervention, how can we survive? -- TIRED OF THE BATTLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TIRED: Yes, verbal abuse can escalate to physical abuse. The stress is taking its toll on you. If it continues, Ollie will survive, but you may not. You feel "beaten" because, emotionally, that's exactly what's happening. You deserve better, but the only person who can make it stop is you.

Your husband will not be thrilled when you finally stand up for yourself, so be prepared. Make a list of his bank accounts, assets, Social Security and driver's license numbers. Then consult an attorney who specializes in family law. Once Ollie has been put on notice that the marriage is over if he isn't willing to get help for his problem, he may be more receptive to counseling. And at that point, you'll have to decide whether you and the children are better off with him or without him.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently invited to a baby shower for an acquaintance. As she opened her gifts, a girlfriend sitting next to her wrote down the name of the gift-giver and the item on a sheet of paper. At the same time, this friend was also penning thank-you notes to each giver! At the end of the shower, the mommy-to-be signed each note, "Love, 'X'" -- and handed them to each giver.

How should a person react to something like that? My first reaction was that this woman should receive no more of my time, since my attendance and my gift were not worth a personal thank-you note and a 37-cent stamp. -- CONFUSED IN TROY, MICH.

DEAR CONFUSED: Could the honoree be functionally illiterate? If that's the case, you should not have been offended. If she's not, however, it's clear the mommy-to-be is socially ignorant, and I'm sure you weren't the only guest who was offended.

DEAR ABBY: Like any other little girl, I have dreamed about my perfect wedding. But now that my boyfriend and I have begun discussing marriage, I realize that I have nobody to fill the spot of maid of honor.

Would it be all right if I asked my older sister (who is already married and is my best friend) to be maid of honor? -- WANTS SOMETHING TRADITIONAL

DEAR WANTS: By all means ask her. It's an honor, and I'm sure she will appreciate it. However, since your sister is married, her title will be "matron of honor."

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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ned," lost his mother suddenly at the age of 54. Her wishes were to be cremated and have her cremains scattered in the Arizona desert. It hasn't happened yet.

Her cremains started out on the bookcase headboard of our bed. I finally moved them to the living room in front of the fireplace. One day, I returned home from work and, once again, the cremains had been put back in our bedroom -- this time on the nightstand next to our bed.

Abby, our 10-year-old son was extremely close to his grandmother. They adored each other. To this day, he talks to the urn as if it is his grandmother. In addition, the cremains did not all fit into the urn, so a second box was sent along with the urn. With time, the box has separated and started to leak.

I think it's unhealthy to continue to have the cremains in the house, and I also feel it's disrespectful to my mother-in-law. How can you be firm and loving at the same time? How should I bring this up without putting my foot in my mouth? -- WOEFUL IN INDIANA

DEAR WOEFUL: It appears your husband is having a difficult time letting go. I recommend you sweep up the cremains that have leaked out of the box and place them in a baggie. When your husband is in a relaxed, and hopefully receptive, mood give it to him and tell him that his mother had asked that her cremains be scattered in Arizona -- not the bedroom. If he can't bring himself to do that, perhaps he would compromise by agreeing to keep them elsewhere than your bedroom. Your having moved them should have been hint enough that their presence made you uncomfortable.

It is not unheard of for survivors to keep the cremains of loved ones with them -- and the subject has appeared before in my column. However, since it makes you uncomfortable, you should not have to sleep with his mother.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married soon. My sister, "Alice," promised to help me with the last-minute details. However, yesterday Alice called to inform me -- with regrets -- that she'll be on vacation with her husband at the time my wedding is scheduled, so she won't be able to help me after all. I am upset to say the least. I have no bridesmaids to help me, and I was counting on her.

Alice is very sensitive, so I'm afraid to say anything to her. Am I wrong to be upset? What should I tell my friends when they ask about her? Is there anything I can say to my sister or my guests that will go over well? -- HURT IN HOUSTON

DEAR HURT: Tell your "sensitive" sister that you are disappointed that she won't be there to share your happiness (it's the truth), and that she'll be missed (it's also true because her absence will be noticed), and that you'll manage without her (because you will).

Then ask a couple of close friends to help you. If the "last-minute details" are shared, they shouldn't be too much of a burden for anyone. Should your guests inquire about your sister's whereabouts, be truthful and let them draw their own conclusions. Her failure to attend is not a reflection on you.

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