DEAR ABBY: In a recent column I noted the comments of a reader and your response concerning the need to have a will and a living will. As an elder law attorney, I feel strongly that my clients should have two ADDITIONAL documents in place: a health care proxy and a durable power of attorney.

I have, in my practice of the last 25 years, concluded that the single most important document a client can have is a durable power of attorney. Many of the issues that were raised in your reader's letter could be addressed if someone had a power of attorney. This document, like the others, can be as broad or as narrow as the individual giving the power of attorney wishes. It is not a relinquishing of authority, but rather a granting of parallel authority, and can easily be revoked.

In a similar fashion, a health care proxy provides the opportunity for someone to interact with health care providers should the incapacitated individual be unable to make his/her own decisions. -- LAWRENCE S. GRAHAM, GREENVILLE, N.C.

DEAR LAWRENCE: Thank you for educating my readers -- and me -- about these important documents. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please remind your readers that a living will is not only very important, but a person should also carry a copy while traveling. My husband and I have "prepacked" copies of our living wills in our suitcase so they are always available. Imagine being thousands of miles from home when a crisis arises and those important documents are desperately needed. -- ANNE M., ALEXANDRIA, VA.

DEAR ANNE: That's an interesting idea. It never hurts to be prepared.

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest your response to the gentleman who was trying to convince family and friends to complete a living will before they need one. As a nurse for many years, I concur wholeheartedly. No one wakes up in the morning planning to have an accident, or a heart attack, or some other life-threatening condition. Too many times, doctors and nurses are faced with a family divided on what they "think" our patient would want -- or not want. Combine this with the shock and grief these people are experiencing, and the situation becomes volatile. -- FORMER SURGICAL NURSE, VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

DEAR FORMER NURSE: Thank you for speaking from the perspective of someone who has been in the trenches and seen it firsthand.

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading your comments to "Concerned Friend." They come on the heels of my recent experience of the last two weeks. My apparently healthy husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer three weeks ago. I have spent a harrowing 10 days trying to get all the necessary documents drafted and finalized. I needed the services of an attorney to make sure all the paperwork was done correctly.

I have also discovered that our finances are a mess. This was always my husband's job, and I trusted what he said. He had been feeling tired in the last few months, but assured me that he had taken care of all the bills. Well, he hadn't. Fixing this is another nightmare yet to come.

My advice to your readers: Listen to Dear Abby.

By the way, my husband is only 56. We never thought things would be this way. -- GRIEVING IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR GRIEVING: When I called you to discuss your letter, I was shocked to learn that your husband had already died. Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. If your experience doesn't galvanize people to action, nothing will.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My dad went to prison in 1989 and was released last November. My sister and I were excited that Dad was coming home, but it has been a nightmare. He is manipulative, whiny and endlessly needy.

He moved in with my sister and she's going crazy. She asked me to take him, but after my husband saw the way Dad behaves, he flat out refused to have him in our home. I agree with him.

Dad keeps making excuses about why he can't live on his own. He claims he doesn't have the money, but then he goes out and buys all kinds of things for himself. He refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and insists that things are everybody else's fault.

My sister feels too guilty to kick him out, and I am at the end of my rope. Dad won't go to counseling because he thinks he doesn't need it. Is this a case for tough love? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN WASHINGTON

DEAR NEEDS: The person who could benefit from counseling is your sister. Until she can emotionally distance herself from Dad, she will continue to be manipulated by his stance as a perpetual victim and his guilt trips. Once your sister has established boundaries, setting a date for Dad to be out of her home and insisting upon it are excellent ideas.

DEAR ABBY: Please advise other divorcees and me about proper funeral etiquette. Because I initiated the divorce from my ex-husband, my former in-laws no longer speak to me. Both of them are in failing health, so I am wondering if I should attend their funerals for the sake of my children, or stay away. I am willing to endure an awkward, hostile reception to support my children if you think my attendance would be appropriate. -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING

DEAR WANTS: Funerals are for the living -- in this case that means your former husband, your surviving former in-law and your children. Since you are persona non grata, it might be best if your children attended the funeral with their father. If they need you to be there, then sit in the back and remain as inconspicuous as possible.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Pussyfooting in Nebraska," who gets too many jokes and other e-mails from her mother, I thought I'd offer up my solution.

Most of my e-mails go to my office account. However, I have set up a separate e-mail account specifically for my mother through a free service. Mother sends her e-mails to that account, and that's all that goes into it. Of course, it eventually gets filled up with jokes, etc., and whenever I get a chance (every month or so, or when she lets me know that it is full), I check it, and read and delete all of her e-mails.

I hope this is helpful for "Pussyfooting." -- FAITHFUL READER IN L.A.

DEAR FAITHFUL: That sounds like quite a project! However, for someone who doesn't want personal e-mails commingled with business correspondence, your solution may be just the ticket. Thank you for the suggestion.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My sister informed me that her daughter was pregnant and being married at the local courthouse. They live in Kansas. I live in Florida.

The day after the ceremony, my sister e-mailed me, expressing her anger that I did not acknowledge her daughter's "special day." Keep in mind that I have never known her kids, as we have lived so far apart all of their lives. Her other daughters have called me every name they can come up with, trying to make me feel bad for "forgetting" about the event. I don't feel I was obligated to do anything, especially when my sister announced it would be "parents only" at the ceremony.

Who's out of line here, in your opinion? -- DISTANT AUNT IN TITUSVILLE, FLA.

DEAR DISTANT AUNT: Since you weren't invited to the wedding, you had no obligation to send a gift. It would have been nice if you had marked the occasion with something -- a token gift. However, since you are now being "called every name they can come up with," I wouldn't blame you for going from distant aunt to an even more distant one.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 65-year-old grandmother who had a colostomy a little over a year ago. It wasn't due to cancer or a life-threatening illness. It was due to lack of muscle control because of having children.

I care for my grandchildren two or three times a week, a 2-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. How do I explain this to a 4-year-old? I don't want to scare her. From the time she was able to walk she came into the bathroom with me, and now she's curious about why she can't anymore. Is there a way you can explain this to a child? Thanks for any advice you can give. -- GRANDMA IN BRISTOL, CONN.

DEAR GRANDMA: That you had a colostomy because of incontinence due to childbirth is too much information for a child your granddaughter's age. Simply tell her that she's not a baby anymore, and you would prefer privacy in the bathroom. Most adults do, and it should not require a detailed explanation.

However, if your granddaughter should happen to enter the bathroom unexpectedly and ask specific questions about what she has seen, a brief explanation that you are all right and that you just go to the bathroom a little differently than she does should suffice. As she gets older, appropriate information can be provided on a "need-to-know" basis.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are having a debate. I say you do not need to tip hairdressers if they rent their station and take 100 percent of the fees they charge. I say that tipping is only for people on commission. She disagrees.

I want to send my new hairdresser a tip if I'm wrong. -- "CURLY" IN CHESTERFIELD, MO.

DEAR CURLY: When in doubt, the wisest policy is to ask if tips are accepted. In many beauty salons, tips are welcomed even by the owner. For color, cuts and permanents, the usual amount is 15 to 20 percent. For a simple wash and set or blow-dry, it's 15 percent. In addition, regular customers give their hairdressers -- and manicurists -- gifts at Christmas. So haul out your wallet; your sister is right.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)