DEAR ABBY: "Brad" and I have been together for 12 years. We have two beautiful children under the age of 10, but Brad refuses to get involved with them.

He will play with the younger one maybe 20 minutes a week. The older one gets even less attention. Brad refuses to take them anywhere to play -- unless there is something in it for him. When they are with their dad, they are stuck in front of a television set or left to play by themselves. It's up to me to entertain the children, and that leaves me with little time alone.

I don't understand it. Brad had a happy childhood filled with lots of love, attention, family activities, etc. We both work full time and have a nice home. I have talked to him about this problem, but like everything else, if it's not important to him, it's not important. He also doesn't have time to help me with housework because he "needs" TV, computer and sleep time.

Thank you for any help you can provide. -- NEEDS INSIGHT IN NEW YORK

DEAR NEEDS: You have described a man who has turned selfishness into an art form. It appears your life partner received so much love and attention as a child that he never learned it was necessary to give to others. In a sense, he has never grown up. Your children have my sympathy, because they deserve better.

Brad is not likely to change, so it's time to look elsewhere for a father figure for your children. Is there an uncle, cousin or grandfather who could spend time with them -- take them to the movies, sporting events or show an interest?

You, too, have my sympathy because it appears you have not two, but three "children" on your hands.

DEAR ABBY: I went to wake up my 14-year-old daughter today and discovered her sleeping in the nude. Apparently she has been doing it for some time. Normally she is good about getting up, and I haven't needed to enter her room to waken her. When I asked her why she does it, she said it's more comfortable and she sleeps better.

When I told her I was not comfortable with it, she asked me why, and frankly I could not come up with a good reason other than it seemed "wrong," and fear about what would happen in an earthquake or fire. She questioned how it could be wrong if no one knows -- unless they walk into her room without knocking (as I did). She keeps a long robe next to the bed so she can put it on in case of emergency. (Indeed, she walks around the house in that robe, and I thought she had a nightgown underneath when in fact she has been naked underneath since Christmas.)

I am still not comfortable with it, but we agreed to abide by your advice. Is it OK for her to sleep in the nude, and why -- or why not? -- WORRIED MOM IN SAN LEANDRO

DEAR WORRIED MOM: There is nothing inherently wrong with sleeping in the nude. Many people do so because they sleep more comfortably that way. Look at the bright side -- it makes for smaller loads of laundry.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Last week I kicked my husband out of the house. "Joel" and I have been married four years and have a 3-year-old son.

Two years ago, Joel took up with "Connie," a 20-year-old single co-worker. He insisted they were just friends. When I found love letters from Connie in his wallet, Joel swore the letters were not from her. (Oh, come on!)

Things got messy when I started checking my husband's cell phone bill and discovered he was calling Connie several times a day. Upon checking further, I learned that some of his co-workers also thought something was up.

When Joel learned I'd been asking questions, he became very angry. Then Connie started calling him at the house at all hours. Once, around midnight, she got into a tangle with some guy and instead of calling police, she called Joel -- who rushed right over.

Since then I have caught Joel in more lies about where he was going. I have also caught my husband and his "friend" parked in empty parking lots and dead-end streets.

He says he doesn't want a divorce, but every time we talk, we end up fighting because he tries to twist the facts around to make me look like a fishwife.

Should I wait it out to see if Joel will come home to his son and me? Or should I cut him off, divorce him, and pray that God will send me a man who will give me the respect and love I deserve? -- SPURNED WIFE IN TEXAS

DEAR SPURNED: Your husband appears to be a remorseless manipulator. Even if you reconcile, what kind of example would he be for your son as he grows older? And could you ever trust him again?

You have asked me to make a decision for you that only you should make. Counseling can help you to determine what you want and need to do. Some marriages can be saved, but only if both parties are willing to work at it, and your husband appears to be unwilling or unable to end his affair.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother with two daughters, 2 and 4. I love them with all my heart, but I'm afraid my yelling is affecting them. I can't control it, and when I do it, I frighten them. They cover their bodies and start to cry. I have never hit either of them.

This is causing huge fights with their father. He is very involved with them, and he sometimes yells but they don't react the same way.

I feel like a bad mother and monster. What can I do to stop myself from losing my temper and have a better relationship with my daughters? I'm afraid I'll hurt them. -- FEARFUL IN MINNESOTA

DEAR FEARFUL: The first thing you must do is get to the bottom of what's triggering your anger. Is this how you were treated as a child? If so, you should know firsthand how damaging verbal abuse can be. Are your expectations of your little ones unrealistic? If that's the case, parenting classes could be helpful. Many school districts and hospitals offer them.

In the meantime, when you feel you're about to blow your stack, leave the room. If necessary, go outside for a few minutes. Count to 10 -- slowly. Decompress. Get a grip. Once you have calmed down, you'll be better able to act in an adult and rational manner, rather than react.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Desperate in Kansas," about uninvited guests showing up to use their new swimming pool, I had to write.

Here's how my wife and I solved the problem when neighborhood children started showing up at all hours. First, we decided that rules would have to be set -- and enforced.

We began by having a sturdy fence and locked wrought-iron gates installed around the pool area. Then we increased the homeowner's liability limits on our insurance. We asked our attorney to draw up a "liability waiver" to be signed by the parents of the children in our neighborhood and returned to us personally by the parent or guardian. If there was no signed waiver, the child was not permitted to swim.

We allocated two evenings a week, between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m., when the neighbors' children were welcome to use our pool. These were evenings when my wife and I would be home to sit on the patio and watch and referee the children. No swimming would be permitted at any other time unless by special invitation.

"Desperate" should try our method. Her neighbors will respect her for it. -- EXPERIENCED IN YUMA, ARIZ.

DEAR EXPERIENCED: Consider yourself fortunate that your neighbors abided by your rules. Since I printed that letter, I have heard some horror stories. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: You suggested that "Desperate in Kansas" put a stop to the drop-ins by becoming assertive, installing a flagpole or signs to indicate when the pool was open, increasing the amount of homeowner insurance, and suggesting the pool be fenced. I don't think you went far enough.

When I was in college, part of a constitutional law course I took covered the subject of torts and liability. One particular case we studied stands out in my memory. It involved a family whose swimming pool was surrounded by a 6-foot-high locked fence. While the family was away on vacation, several youths scaled the fence and went swimming. Unfortunately, one drowned, and the owners of the pool were convicted of negligent homicide!

The ruling stated that the owners of the pool should have contacted each neighbor and informed them of their plans because a pool is considered an "attractive nuisance." I would urge "Desperate" to contact an attorney who can advise her about local law and liability. At the very least, she should place a "No Trespassing" sign on the lawn, install a locked fence, and send a card to the neighbors explaining the rules.

The cost of these measures is minuscule compared to a potential liability suit. -- CHRIS IN PELHAM, ALA.

DEAR CHRIS: Thank you for the warning. One of my readers sat on a jury for a wrongful death suit with similar circumstances and urged me to inform "Desperate" as well as other pool owners that uninvited children using a swimming pool without permission or parental supervision should be reported to the police for trespassing. Better to have it on record than to risk being held liable for an accident.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY: "How many people on Earth serve people? And how many people on Earth serve the Earth? The difference in the numbers must be enormous. It would reveal that the Earth is definitely not the primary concern of the human species. This might be fatal both to the Earth and to humanity. Please, leaders of the Earth and the nations, wake up to this potentially fatal disparity." -- ROBERT MULLER

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)