DEAR ABBY: I am an openly gay man, out of the closet at work, at college and with friends. I'm out to everyone except my family, who have made it clear that being gay is unacceptable.

I spent years trying to change my sexual orientation, which I now know to be about as achievable as changing the color of my eyes.

I don't know how to come out to my family, or if I even should. The only family member who knows said, "They'll only hear what they want to hear, and they don't want to hear this."

A friend recently asked me what would happen if I was in a relationship. Would I hide forever or come out by saying, "Folks, meet my boyfriend!" He said I should come out for ME, not for them.

Right now I'm confused. One of my family members is disabled and I don't know if the news would kill him. What's the wisest thing to do? -- ALMOST OUT IN CANTON, OHIO

DEAR ALMOST OUT: In all the time I have been associated with this column -- and it's decades -- I have never heard of anyone "dying" from being told that a family member is gay. In fact, the family usually has had some inkling by the time the person chooses to say it.

In your case, the "wisest thing to do" would be to contact Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and request information about how to come out to your family. At the same time, ask for literature that will help your family understand that sexual orientation isn't something a person "chooses" on a lark, nor is it something for which a person should be punished. PFLAG can be reached at: www.pflag.org; or by e-mail: info(at)pflag.org; or at 1726 M St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036.

I hope your family is willing to broaden their perspective. If not, the loss will be theirs, because it appears you already have other sources of emotional support. Good for you, because people who are happy and involved with others live fuller, more productive lives than those who stay locked in emotional isolation.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widowed 48-year-old grandmother raising three beautiful grandchildren, who has been lucky enough to find a really special man I'll call "Dale."

I have had four major relationships in my life. The last two have ended with their deaths. The first -- my late husband -- died in a work-related car accident. The second died of an aortic aneurysm.

Dale has proposed marriage and I said yes; however, my doubts are linked to the adage, "It comes in threes," and I'm afraid I'll lose him too. If this seems silly, I'm sorry. I loved both of the men who died, and after the last one I swore never to love like this again. However, God says, "Never say never." Can you help me? -- GUN-SHY IN PHOENIX

DEAR GUN-SHY: Consider this: The only thing sillier than bowing to your superstitions would be to sacrifice a mutual love out of fear. You can't change what happened in the past, but if you think positive and concentrate on the present, the future will take care of itself. In a sense, we all "place our bets and take our chances" because in life there are no guarantees. The secret is to think positive.

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DEAR ABBY: I am deeply in love with a man who is handsome, smart and loving. We are engaged and happy together. The problem? We met on the Internet.

Abby, he thinks I am 26, but I'm not. Everything I've said to him has been a lie. I am really 12. I have tried to tell him the truth, but he doesn't believe me or thinks I'm joking. I try to break up with him, but we both can't say goodbye forever. I am 100 percent sure it's love.

He is planning to visit me in January. He says we will get married and have a nice future together. No one knows about this, so I need your help. What do I do next? How do I let go? -- LOST IN LOVE IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR LOST IN LOVE: You have been lying on the Internet. What makes you think that he hasn't been lying, too? Has it occurred to you that this man who "won't let go" could be a child molester in his 40s or 50s? What do you plan to do when he shows up? If you become further involved, he could be arrested!

For your safety, I urge you to tell your parents what has been going on. You have gotten yourself in over your head, and you may need more adult intervention than this columnist to get you out of the pit you have dug for yourself. Please talk to your parents. TODAY!

DEAR ABBY: I have a 14-year-old son, "Adam," whose paternal grandmother, "Bryna," is making life difficult for him. He has acne, for which he's seeing a dermatologist. He also needs braces, and I'm working on that as well.

When Adam goes to visit Grandma Bryna, he gets put-down after put-down. She "comments" about his acne and also his teeth.

I am no longer married to her son (he's deceased), and while we were married, we all got pretty much the same treatment. I don't want to sever ties with Bryna, as Adam still wants that connection with his dad. My daughter, who is older, refuses to have anything more to do with her.

When Bryna says these things to my son, she instructs him not to say anything about it to me. I don't want her to accuse him of ratting her out. I am ready to tell her not to contact us again. Should I take such a drastic step and cut off all ties with her? -- FRUSTRATED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Why not? The woman is spreading poison. If you had poison oak in your garden, wouldn't you remove it?

DEAR ABBY: Nine months ago, I went through the painful breakup of a relationship with a man I deeply loved. After months of grieving, I have met someone else. "Grant" and I hit it off on our first date. We have been seeing each other for two months and have a lot in common. He is thoughtful, respectful and attentive, and I think he could be "the one."

My problem: Grant plans to retire from work at the end of January and move out of state. He is having a beautiful home built in a small town in the South and talks about when he goes as though he plans to go alone.

I am afraid of being abandoned and hurt again. I would like to go with him, but I'm afraid if I say it so early in our relationship that I'll scare him off. Please tell me what to do. -- MOVING MADNESS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MOVING: Eight weeks of dating is too soon to ask a person to state his –- or her -- intentions. Let the relationship play out a while longer. On New Year's Eve, when you are toasting each other, tell him what your wish for 2005 would be, and cross your fingers.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Glenn," and his girlfriend of two years, "Nancy," have started college at different universities. Nancy made the cheerleading squad, and now it has gone to her head.

Nancy was never popular in high school, but now that she is, she has decided she no longer wants anything to do with Glenn. She acts very spoiled and wants everything her way.

Nancy told my son she likes being away from her parents and him, so she can do what she wants, when she wants. Glenn is worried sick about her. He thinks she's going to get in over her head. His father and I tell him he needs to move on. I know he loves Nancy, so how can we get him to forget her? -- WORRIED IN KANSAS

DEAR WORRIED: College is a time for growth, and in this case, the two young lovers have grown in different directions. Encourage your son to become more active at school, to study hard and to make a point of meeting new people. As much as he cares about Nancy, she has declared her independence. Since he can't protect her, he should concentrate his energies on taking care of himself. Time and distraction will heal what's ailing him.

DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, my fiance, "Rick," and his then-wife, "Kim," lost their son shortly after birth. They had him cremated. Much to Rick's horror, Kim disposed of their baby's ashes in a Dumpster. She said she never wanted the baby in the first place.

Rick was devastated, as was the entire family. Kim acted very shut off and cold, not only during this tragic event, but with their other children as well.

Every year on the anniversary of his son's death, Rick breaks down and I grieve beside him. Is there anything I can have made (or make myself) in honor of the child? I feel it would ease the minds of those who were truly bereaved and let the baby boy rest in peace. -- WANTS TO HELP

DEAR WANTS: I'm unclear from your letter whether Rick's wife was distant during their entire marriage, or whether she might have been suffering from depression (and possibly psychosis) after the death of the baby. Because her behavior was bizarre, I can only hope she received medical and psychological care.

That you want to honor your fiance's child is commendable, but before doing anything, talk to Rick and ask what he would like. Planting a tree in a park with a small plaque would make a nice memorial -– or perhaps a scholarship in the baby's name.

DEAR ABBY: During professional meetings or events, people I work with ask me if I'm married or seeing anyone. Since these are not friends, but rather professional associates, I don't feel this question is appropriate. I would never think to ask someone such a personal question.

What is an appropriate response to these individuals that conveys it's none of their business without coming across as rude? -- STRICTLY BUSINESS IN D.C.

DEAR STRICTLY BUSINESS: The people who are asking you that question are probably just trying to be friendly or to get to know you better. However, since you prefer not to answer the question directly, reply, "When I know you better, perhaps we can discuss it," and change the subject.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)