Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Eugene in N.J." about a letter he received saying that he was "the sole beneficiary of a $12 million estate." He said he responded by sending them information on a bank account that he "no longer does business with, but had a $2.83 balance remaining." That was the wrong move!

Now the thieves have his name, address and account number. It doesn't matter if the account was closed or open -- thieves counterfeit checks using the information he gave them. Scans such as "Eugene" described are a common way identity thieves gather information. Unfortunately, the actions he took in his anger and frustration have exposed him to identity theft. It is important to understand that e-mail scams are sent out to millions of people. If you answer -- even to say stop writing -- you will be put on a "sucker" list.

Some common scams people need to avoid:

(1) No company is going to call or e-mail you to verify an account, ask for your Social Security number, or any bank or credit card numbers, PERIOD! This is called "phishing." Account verification scams look very real, but are ALL scams. Do not answer them no matter how convinced you are that it is a real company.

(2) You have NOT won a lottery in the Netherlands, or Canada, or anywhere else, if you didn't first buy a ticket here in the U.S.A.

(3) Question any company that offers you a prize, but asks for a fee or your Social Security number, and verify the existence of that company through the Better Business Bureau, and confirm independently that the prize is real.

(4) A stranger did not die and leave you money.

(5) The Nigerian scam has now morphed into a creative writing exercise about all kinds of people needing your help to transfer money from one account to another. This practice is called money laundering, and it is illegal.

(6) You may also be telephone-scammed with similar offers. Be on the alert for suspicious callers, and never give out your Social Security number or a credit card number to anyone who calls you.

Thank you, Abby, for helping your readers to understand how thieves steal a person's identity. -- LINDA FOLEY, CO-EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, IDENTITY THEFT RESOURCE CENTER

DEAR LINDA: Thank you for sharing this valuable information with my readers and me. Readers, my experts tell me the only safe way to deal with a scam is to either hit the "delete" key, or forward it to the Federal Trade Commission at spam(at)uce.gov and THEN delete it. As tempting as it may seem, do not engage any of the scammers in a dialogue.

The Identity Theft Resource Center is a nonprofit program, based in San Diego, that is grant- and donation-funded. Its mission is to help victims of identity theft and consumers. For further information on scams, including examples of common scams, visit the Web site at www.idtheftcenter.org.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF IN TUCSON, ARIZ.": Don't be so hard on yourself. Even a clock that isn't working is right twice a day.

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DEAR ABBY: A promise I made to my child is tearing me apart. My 7-year-old son, "Lyle," has been talking a lot about death. A while back, we were in the car and he brought the subject up again. He said how sad he would be in heaven alone, and asked that should anything ever happen to him, if I would go with him. I promised that I would, and it seemed to make him feel much better. We talked about how we would fly down to Earth and touch our loved ones to give them comfort, even though they would never see us.

That promise I made is killing me now, because, God forbid if something bad did happen to Lyle, I could never go with him. I have four other children who need me. I'm afraid if I take back the promise that gave my son so much comfort, it will upset him. Also, I need to know why, at his tender age, Lyle is talking so much about death. Is this normal? Sometimes it scares me. -- TORN MOTHER IN VERMONT

DEAR TORN MOTHER: Do not "take back" the promise. Your son was asking for reassurance that you would never leave him, and you gave it to him. Because you are concerned about this preoccupation with death, gently try to draw him out when he brings it up again. If you are not satisfied with his responses, enlist the aid of a child psychologist.

DEAR Abby: I dated "Carter" for five months. During that time, he bought me all kinds of presents, from flowers to tires for my car. I never asked Carter for anything. In fact, I told him twice that there were "too many presents." He responded that I was insulting him, and told me I should just accept them graciously and say thank you.

I tried to reciprocate by doing things for him. I would cook him dinner every time he came over, and give him fresh produce from our garden. I even loaned Carter my car when his was in the shop.

Now that we are broken up, he is demanding that I return all his gifts and pay him $300 for the tires or he will sue me. (I have proof they were gifts, and given with love.) I feel Carter is wrong. Should I give him back the things and pay him? -- SORRY I EVER MET HIM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SORRY: Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as she (or he) wishes. However, in this case, since you now know they were intended as strings to bind you to him, it might be better to return them and be rid of him once and for all.

P.S. He can sue you if he wishes, but whether he could WIN is another matter. I hope for his sake he won't decide to try.

DEAR ABBY: I was having a snack in a restaurant a few days ago. A mother and her two young children were sitting at the next table. The younger child -- a boy about 3 -- picked up the salt shaker and licked the top of it. The mother instructed the older child to take the salt shaker to an unoccupied table and exchange it for another salt shaker.

Should I have spoken to her about it, or taken it off the other table myself and turned it over to an employee? I feel I should have done something, but I didn't. -- FEELING GUILTY, KILGORE, TEXAS

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: You should have informed your server or the manager of the restaurant about what you saw, so the item could have been removed and sanitized. And shame on that mother for what she was teaching her older child. Mother of the year, she's not.

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DEAR ABBY: A person very dear to my heart, "Ruth," has always donated to her community blood drives. It's a form of philanthropy she enjoys. Ruth remarried a few months ago and asked her new husband, "Tony," to attend the blood drive with her. His reply left her stunned and changed her life forever. Tony confided that in his youth, he had been a needle-type drug user and now he can't give blood.

Mind you, Tony is a good, hardworking, straight-arrow man now, but he was foolish in his youth. When Ruth went to the blood drive, she was asked: "In the past 12 months have you slept with anyone who has ever used a needle?" She explained that yes, as a teenager, her husband had done drugs. She was told that as long as she is with Tony, she can't give blood anymore. Ruth is hurt and angry at her husband for what he took from her. I feel lost as a friend about what to say to help her.

Abby, Tony's drug use was more than 27 years ago. Is Ruth right that this will follow them forever and she can never give blood again? -- GIFT OF LIFE GONE IN MARYLAND

DEAR GIFT: Your letter is a pertinent reminder that youthful experimentation can have lifelong consequences. Those rules were established for a good reason -- to protect our blood supply. In years past, some people were infected with life-threatening diseases because the supply of donated blood was not screened well enough, so it makes perfect sense that organizations now go to exceptional lengths to guarantee the safety of blood and blood products.

It might lift your friend's spirits if you remind her that there are other things she can do to contribute to her community. She could volunteer to work at the blood drive in some capacity other than a donor. She could also hold a bake sale to raise funds for "the cause." Rather than blaming her husband at this late date, she should respect the rules and explore her other options.

DEAR ABBY: My nephew, who is also my godson, has decided to marry my youngest stepdaughter. Which side of the church should I sit on -- the bride's or the groom's side? My husband and children think I should sit on the groom's side. I am afraid someone will feel hurt no matter what I do. -- BETWIXT AND BETWEEN IN FLORIDA

DEAR BETWIXT: Ask your nephew and stepdaughter where they would like you to sit and abide by their decision. The alternative would be to bring a folding chair and sit in the middle.

DEAR ABBY: With the holidays approaching, I would like to share an alternative to the traditional office gift exchange. For the past few years, we have drawn names, but instead of buying gifts, we buy toys that in some way remind us of the person whose name we have drawn. The toy can represent their hobby, their job, their personality, etc.

After exchanging the gifts at our annual Christmas party and seeing how creative our fellow workers have been, the toys are then donated to a toy drive.

This tradition is rewarding for us and joyful for the children who otherwise would not receive gifts. -- ELVES IN GLENDALE

DEAR ELVES: I love the idea. The gifts don't have to be expensive, and more than one person can enjoy them.

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