DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "All Tipped Out," commenting on the increasing number of "tip jars" she encounters in business establishments, I had to write and say I couldn't agree more.

I first noticed the phenomenon about 15 years ago, at a wine-and-cheese fund-raiser for an organization to which I belonged. I was flabbergasted to see that the people pouring the wine had a tip jar on the bar. I assumed that we had hired these people as part of the contract, and certainly never expected to see them blatantly soliciting tips. However, I couldn't convince the event organizers to do anything about it.

Since then, I have seen tip jars on the open bars at weddings. Only once have I seen the father of the bride have the good sense and righteous indignation to order them removed immediately.

There is no reason to tolerate paid help hustling one's invited guests for tips. You wouldn't put up with this at a catered event at your home. -- PAT C., HOCKESSIN, DEL.

DEAR PAT: Good point. Frankly, I too was surprised at how prevalent the practice has become. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "All Tipped Out" to hold onto her hat. There is a doctor's office in our town -- a beautiful facility with lots of employees and patients -- that does the same thing, although in a slightly less blatant way.

A friend of mine went to this office to have a procedure done. It was not performed by the doctor, but by a technician. When she went to pay at the reception desk, she was asked if she would like to "tip" the technician.

I have no problem tipping in establishments where I know the employees are not receiving minimum wage and depend on tips to supplement their incomes. However, I have no doubt that technician was earning more than minimum wage, and I don't think it was appropriate to ask a patient for a tip.

I will be more on my toes than my friend was. I will say, "Perhaps the doctor should give his technician a raise if she needs tips." -- ALWAYS A NEW TWIST IN WYOMING

DEAR NEW TWIST: What you have described seems more like a demand than a request, and it's appalling.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a local bakery, and there is a tip jar; however, the employees who work the counter earn the same as everyone else, and it's more than minimum wage. Yet they expect tips and make rude comments when the customer leaves if they are not received. I find this embarrassing. I'd be less dismayed if the tips were divided by everyone, and the comments were kept in check. -- E. CLAIRE IN CAMBRIDGE

DEAR E. CLAIRE: Your boss should be made aware of what's going on in the front of his shop. If word leaks out, it will affect the business.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small restaurant where there's a tip jar on the counter. I don't "expect" tips because of it. What makes my day is when a customer is friendly, cheerful, and says "please" and "thank you." "All Tipped Out" needn't feel obligated to tip. Just being polite and friendly will make an employee's day far more than any tip could. -- HAPPY SERVER IN CANADA

DEAR HAPPY SERVER: You're 100 percent right -- but that's a subject for another column.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Wilma," recently purchased a house with her husband, "Ken." They frequently host "poker nights" and invite quite a few other friends -- and friends of friends.

Since Wilma is presently unemployed, she has instituted a new policy for the games: Everyone must donate a percentage of their winnings to the house. This has offended quite a few of the players. Many of us have offered to bring snacks, drinks, etc., but the donation rule stands and is very much in effect.

May I add that Ken was shocked when Wilma asked for the money. How can we confront her without coming across as rude? -- CONCERNED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: Why are you worried about offending someone who is extorting money from you? I don't know how many people participate in these "poker nights," but with a percentage of every hand going to the house, Wilma must be making a tidy sum. It shouldn't be necessary to "confront her." If I were you, I'd alternate hosting these games among the participants.

DEAR ABBY: My father, who is still living, sexually abused me for six or seven years during my childhood. That was 21 years ago. I believe he has gotten help for his "problem" and won't harm anyone else, but I can't be sure. I have talked to Dad about it, and he says he would never hurt anyone like that again, that what he did was very wrong, and he's sorry he ever hurt me.

About six years ago, another family member asked me if I had been sexually abused, and I told her no at the urging of my parents and my husband. She and I both have children. I allow my son to stay with Dad, but not my daughter. The other family member has sons who stay with Dad occasionally.

I feel guilty for not telling her the truth. I would never forgive myself if something happened to her kids because I lied. Should I speak up and let the chips fall where they may, even though it could hurt a lot of people? Or should I just be quiet and observe? It has taken a lot of courage to write this letter, and your advice would be appreciated. -- UNSURE IN THE PRAIRIES

DEAR UNSURE: Has it occurred to you that your relative asked you that question because your father had also abused her? Asking someone if a parent has abused her (or him) is not something that ordinarily comes up in conversation for no reason. Yes, you should definitely level with her -- and then listen to what she has to say. You owe it to her and the children to be honest.

P.S. Child molesters have been known to abuse children of both genders, so don't procrastinate.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been in love with "Rob" ever since I was in fifth grade. I never felt good enough for him. Now that we're in college, I finally expressed my feelings, and we are starting a relationship. My only problem is people tell me that being with Rob is wrong because my sister is married to his first cousin. Is there some kind of rule that being together is taboo? -- CONFUSED IN AMERICAN SAMOA

DEAR CONFUSED: Not that I ever heard of. You and Rob are not blood relatives, and I know of no taboo against marrying him should you both decide to tie the knot.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Eugene in N.J." about a letter he received saying that he was "the sole beneficiary of a $12 million estate." He said he responded by sending them information on a bank account that he "no longer does business with, but had a $2.83 balance remaining." That was the wrong move!

Now the thieves have his name, address and account number. It doesn't matter if the account was closed or open -- thieves counterfeit checks using the information he gave them. Scans such as "Eugene" described are a common way identity thieves gather information. Unfortunately, the actions he took in his anger and frustration have exposed him to identity theft. It is important to understand that e-mail scams are sent out to millions of people. If you answer -- even to say stop writing -- you will be put on a "sucker" list.

Some common scams people need to avoid:

(1) No company is going to call or e-mail you to verify an account, ask for your Social Security number, or any bank or credit card numbers, PERIOD! This is called "phishing." Account verification scams look very real, but are ALL scams. Do not answer them no matter how convinced you are that it is a real company.

(2) You have NOT won a lottery in the Netherlands, or Canada, or anywhere else, if you didn't first buy a ticket here in the U.S.A.

(3) Question any company that offers you a prize, but asks for a fee or your Social Security number, and verify the existence of that company through the Better Business Bureau, and confirm independently that the prize is real.

(4) A stranger did not die and leave you money.

(5) The Nigerian scam has now morphed into a creative writing exercise about all kinds of people needing your help to transfer money from one account to another. This practice is called money laundering, and it is illegal.

(6) You may also be telephone-scammed with similar offers. Be on the alert for suspicious callers, and never give out your Social Security number or a credit card number to anyone who calls you.

Thank you, Abby, for helping your readers to understand how thieves steal a person's identity. -- LINDA FOLEY, CO-EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, IDENTITY THEFT RESOURCE CENTER

DEAR LINDA: Thank you for sharing this valuable information with my readers and me. Readers, my experts tell me the only safe way to deal with a scam is to either hit the "delete" key, or forward it to the Federal Trade Commission at spam(at)uce.gov and THEN delete it. As tempting as it may seem, do not engage any of the scammers in a dialogue.

The Identity Theft Resource Center is a nonprofit program, based in San Diego, that is grant- and donation-funded. Its mission is to help victims of identity theft and consumers. For further information on scams, including examples of common scams, visit the Web site at www.idtheftcenter.org.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF IN TUCSON, ARIZ.": Don't be so hard on yourself. Even a clock that isn't working is right twice a day.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)