DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Richard" for three years. I am 27 and he is 25. We have talked about settling down for quite a while now.

A month ago, Richard asked me to marry him. We have looked at engagement rings in the past, and he knows my taste. However, he decided it would only be right to let his parents know about his decision. His mother, "Irene," asked him how much he planned to spend for a ring. He told her $2,000 to $3,000, and she said that was too much money. She added that he should buy me something little now, and in a few years, he could buy me something nicer.

Abby, I don't feel this should be Irene's decision to make. Richard earns good money. This would not break the bank for him, believe me. I am doubly upset because Richard has decided to take his mother's advice. Irene is always interfering, demanding to know what's happening with us. She says that he's the "man" and needs to act like it. She told him he "shouldn't let a woman control him." Irene even has our wedding planned for us.

Richard is a grown man, and I feel he should tell his mother nicely, "I appreciate your advice, but please realize this is still my decision to make."

Am I being unreasonable? I'm afraid that if we are married, Irene will be a constant interference. -- LOST IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOST: Your fears are justified. Until Richard stops allowing his mother to make his decisions for him, she will rule the roost, and her wishes and opinions will take precedence over yours. It's interesting that Irene is telling her son not to let a woman control him, when she's the one who's doing it. If I were you, I'd recognize the writing on the wall and run for the hills.

DEAR ABBY: I know alcoholism and substance abuse are diseases, but how long is a wife supposed to stick around, forgive backsliding, and try to pick up the pieces? Is it better to stay for the children's sake, or to leave for their sake? I don't want my kids to think that being drunk and stoned every day is acceptable.

My husband lives for today; I live for the future. He tells me I'm a terrible person for not abiding by the "for better or for worse." I keep asking him, "Where is the better?" After 14 years, all I have been left with is worse and worst. Please tell me what to do. -- WANTS TO LEAVE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR WANTS TO LEAVE: Make your move. Your husband will not get better until he realizes exactly how great a price his addictions have exacted from you and the children -- and ultimately himself.

Frankly, after reading your letter, I'm surprised your marriage has survived this long. I wish you luck, and sobriety for your husband, should he decide to go on the wagon.

DEAR ABBY: There is an expression I hear all the time. It's "We are pregnant." I have never known a man to be pregnant. I believe the expression should be, "My wife is pregnant, and we are expecting a baby."

Has terminology changed since I had my children 40 years ago, or am I missing something? -- SENIOR CITIZEN IN BONITA SPRINGS, FLA.

DEAR BONITA: A lot has changed since you had your children 40 years ago. Today men are far more actively involved in the birthing process than they once were. (Remember the days when the woman had the baby, and the husband was relegated to the waiting room?) Proud fathers-to-be are now present for sonograms, becoming Lamaze coaches, present at the delivery, and participate in midnight feedings and diaper changing. They carry their little ones in pouches on their chests -- and the bonding that results is wonderful. Now that's what I call progress!

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DEAR ABBY: A professional nanny in Ohio agonized over whether to tell the mother of twins in her care that one of them might be hearing-impaired. You advised her to notify the mother immediately, and that the children's pediatrician should be told during their next scheduled visit.

I am a pediatrician with a special interest in deafness and a trustee at the Clarke School for the Deaf in Massachusetts. Although I agree with your advice that the nanny should speak to the infant's mother, please let your readers know that there is some urgency involved. Infants should be screened at birth. If deaf infants receive hearing aids and appropriate therapy before 6 months of age, they have a good chance at normal speech and language development.

After 1 year of age, the chances for normal development begin to diminish. If any caregiver suspects hearing loss in an infant, that child's hearing should be tested as soon as possible. -- CONCERNED PEDIATRICIAN, NORTHAMPTON, MASS.

DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for your informative letter. I was not aware that the timing was critical. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two hearing-impaired children. I have struggled to get our government representatives to understand the value of early detection and push to make it a law for all newborns to be tested. However, until one of them is faced with disability, I'm sure nothing will be done.

Hearing impairment can be detected while the child is still in the womb, and Crib-o-Grams can detect the impairment before the child leaves the hospital. Time is essential to ensure good speech and a normal life.

That nanny should urge the mother to notify the children's pediatrician immediately. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR B.T.D.T.: I'm sure that many parents will be interested to know that prenatal testing can be done. Thank you.

DEAR ABBY: My son was fitted with his first set of hearing aids at 4 months. He is now 20 and has none of the speech patterns associated with hearing impairment. He had a home-based tutor until he was almost 3 and then was enrolled in a federally funded preschool language program with the local school district. It was a godsend.

Please do that nanny, the parents and the child a huge favor and tell the mother to contact the doctor right away for a brain-stem hearing test. Don't wait for the child's first birthday. Children understand our words long before they can say them back to us. -- MOM WHO HAS BEEN THERE

DEAR MOM: I have learned more from my readers than I could in a classroom.

DEAR ABBY: It is imperative that parents are aware of the fact that deafness is the most commonly overlooked disability. Parents also need to be aware of the deaf culture. Many deaf people, myself included, do not consider themselves disabled. If the twin is deaf or has some hearing loss, the parents and the nanny should make it a point to meet some deaf people in their community. They could best relate to the family and offer some excellent advice.

Also, Abby, the term "hearing-impaired" is no longer as acceptable as it once was. Deaf people should be referred to as "deaf" or "people who have hearing loss." -- BRIANA IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR BRIANA: I hear you loud and clear. I stand corrected.

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DEAR ABBY: I need to know if I should forgive my husband, "Kurt," or move on and start over.

I had been married 26 years when Kurt called me one day at work to say he no longer knew how he felt about me. I was speechless. At first, I thought he was joking, but it went from bad to worse, and he asked for a divorce. He became verbally and emotionally abusive after that and moved out for a while. Then we reconciled. Everything was OK until a well-meaning friend called and told me Kurt had been involved with the office slut for more than a year.

When I confronted him, he lied, he cried, and then he spilled his guts.

I get sick thinking of the way Kurt treated me. He abandoned me for her like I was a weekend fling. He took money from us to support her, because she was "all alone and needed someone to help her out" -- all the while telling me that at age 44, I needed to learn to take care of myself! (I am a college graduate with a full-time job.)

My feelings for my husband have changed since I learned the truth. Had I known about the affair, I don't think I would have reconciled with him. What I thought was a midlife crisis turned out to be a true betrayal -- but where do I go from here? Since Kurt has returned home, I have been the "queen" in his life. He is truly a different person. He says he's sorry; however, I'm not sure if he's sorry he cheated or sorry he got caught. What do you think? -- FURIOUS IN OHIO

DEAR FURIOUS: I think he's sorry for the mess he made of things and for hurting you. Let's not forget, if he didn't care for you, he could have ended the marriage. You and your husband must talk this out until it is laid to rest, and the place to do it is in the presence of a marriage counselor. I know you're hurt, but make no decisions based on anger and bitterness. Other couples have survived infidelity -- and so can you, if that's what you both want. The choice is yours.

DEAR ABBY: For the past year, every time I visit my parents, my mother has commented on items in their home that she wants to go to specific family members after she and Dad are gone.

My siblings and I don't always get along, and I'm afraid that after our parents pass on, there will be a nasty battle over who gets what.

I have suggested to Mom that she write this all down, but she refuses. She keeps insisting, "You'll remember this." Should I help my parents write down their wishes? Also, is it inappropriate to make them aware of what antiques or items I would like to have? It's an uncomfortable topic to discuss. -- DUTIFUL DAUGHTER IN MIDDLETOWN, N.J.

DEAR DAUGHTER: It's a shame that two of the most important subjects -- sex and death -- are also the most difficult to discuss. In the interest of family harmony, your mother and father should be writing down their wishes concerning their property. However, since your mother seems unwilling, when she points out certain items, give her an indelible pen and suggest that she label them with the name of the person she would like to have them. It would take only a moment, and would not be morbid.

P.S. I see nothing wrong with telling your mother which items you'd like to have, as long as your siblings are also able to speak up for what they would like to have.

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