DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with "Elijah" for a year and a half. I love him, but sometimes he tries to get me to do things I really don't want to do sexually. I don't know how to tell him no, because I don't want him to hate me. I feel pressured every time I'm with him, and sometimes I'm scared to be alone with him. What should I do? I need help. -- WORRIED GIRLFRIEND IN N.C.

DEAR GIRLFRIEND: The most difficult word to say is also one of the shortest. It's "no." And yet the inability to say that simple word can complicate a person's life in ways you can't imagine.

If Elijah is pressuring you to do things you're not ready for, then as much as you love him, he is proving that he doesn't love you. If he would "hate" you for saying no, then he didn't love you to begin with -- you are being used. If you allow it to continue, it will make you feel ashamed and guilty, which can cause you problems in the future.

Please consider what I have said and strictly limit the time you spend alone with him. It's called avoiding temptation.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Len," is a good person, but he never shows me any affection. Over the past three years, we might have kissed only six times.

I recently learned that Len has a stash of what he calls "glamour shots" of women. I call them porno. Len insists that it's normal for men to look at these kinds of things. We have had many fights over it and his not wanting to be with me sexually.

I am not unattractive. I have tried everything to interest him. He promises to change because he loves me, but nothing changes. We have tried counseling –- it didn't help.

Abby, I love my husband, but I am very lonely. I would do anything to please him, but he'd rather fantasize over an image on paper than be with me. I realize that sex isn't everything, but what about me and my needs? I work, take care of the kids, cook -– everything. I feel like his roommate. -- WANTS A HUSBAND

DEAR WANTS A HUSBAND: When a spouse substitutes "glamour shots" for a sex life with his partner, it's time to admit there is a serious problem. However, nothing will change until your husband faces it and decides to do something about it. He could be addicted to porn. He may have erectile dysfunction. The place to start is at his doctor's office with a complete physical examination.

DEAR ABBY: My parents have money troubles from time to time. I am only 12 and live with my mom, dad, baby sister and little brother. I sometimes wish I was older so I could have a job and help out my family.

My parents have given me everything I wanted, but in return all I've given my parents is grief. I want to help with bills and stuff, but I'm too young to have a job. What's another way I could get money? -- BIG SIS IN TUCSON

DEAR BIG SIS: You appear to me to be a caring and responsible girl. Tell your parents what you have in mind, and ask if they would permit you to start a car-washing or baby-sitting business for families in your neighborhood. Whether or not they take you up on it, I'm sure they'll be proud of you and touched by your offer.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Caring Friend in California" was at a loss about whether to hold a baby shower for her friend, whose baby was not expected to make it through the gestation period. You advised her that rather than hold a shower, her friends should stay close and provide willing ears and shoulders to cry on.

A dear friend of my daughter's faced the same circumstances. We knew that if her baby survived delivery, it would be only a short time until the child was gone. What we did was to create a "memory box." We included a camera to take pictures of the baby, and a smaller version of a baby book to hold the footprints, hand prints, a lock of hair and, of course, the photos. We also bought the infant a cross as she was immediately baptized.

It gave the parents something to remember -– a special memory of their baby. It wouldn't hurt for "Caring Friend" to contact the hospital as well, as it may have something already set up for people facing these circumstances. -- HOPE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR HOPE: Those are wonderful suggestions. A woman named Michelle wrote me from Las Vegas to say that the March of Dimes has a bereavement packet that could be helpful. In addition to information regarding the loss, it contains a memory book for the lock of hair and/or footprint. The packet can be obtained from local March of Dimes offices. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My heart breaks for the friend who will soon lose the child she has grown to love. I have known many mothers and fathers who have lost children very young (even through miscarriage), and each one has treasured any reminder of the child they lost. Many hospitals have programs run by volunteers that provide a blanket and a tiny hat to be made available to the grieving parents. "Caring Friend" should give her friend the option of choosing gentle reminders of her love and strength in this time of need, or a small, quiet ceremony of her love to make things easier for her. My guess is she'll choose both. I know I would. -- MOTHER OF FOUR IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MOTHER OF FOUR: Thank you for the input. I have a stack of letters from readers echoing your sentiments and offering suggestions. Read on:

FROM 'BEEN THERE IN CANADA': Instead of the traditional baby shower, a scaled-back celebration of its life (regardless of how brief) is needed. Instead of major "fun" gifts, perhaps a fund could be set up and friends could donate to help pay for the medical expenses and the funeral. To ignore the situation is like pretending she isn't pregnant at all.

FROM 'NANCY IN GEORGIA': When my baby was stillborn, our friends donated books in his name to our local school or library. A memory note was placed in the front of each donation. It was a joyful way to remember a sad event.

FROM 'A GRANDMOTHER OF 27 IN MISSOURI': There are special clothing patterns for babies who are premature or stillborn. Parents need to see their baby as more than a naked little body. A baby dressed in a pretty outfit gives the parents a picture of their child to carry with them as they grieve. And a baby shower that would provide the hospital nursery a collection of these clothes for parents to choose from would be a blessing.

My thanks to all of you who took the time to write. I regret that space does not allow me to print more suggestions.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old woman who has been married for a year and a half. After our wedding, my husband, "Wendell," and I moved 2 1/2 hours away from my hometown. I have a job in the catering business and my husband is a successful attorney. I'm happier now than I have ever been.

The problem is my mother, who has never stopped making me feel guilty about moving. Recently, Mom has become mean and offensive, saying maybe she should just forget about me rather than deal with the pain of my living so far away. She says she'd rather not see her future grandchildren at all if it's going to be only once or twice a month. Mother expects me to visit her whenever I have free time. She refuses to accept that I work full time and have responsibilities.

I have tried to reason with her; her only response is that I should move closer. I know she misses me, but I feel she is being unreasonable. I know of many other parents who have supported their children moving away. I'm afraid I'll lose my mother if I don't move closer. Can you give me some advice? -- MISSING MY MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MISSING: Please don't sacrifice a life in which you are happier than you have ever been in order to please your mother. That you were able to marry and leave the nest is proof that she was successful as a parent. In some families, the umbilical cord is never severed -- it stays connected with chicken soup running in between -- and it's not healthy for anyone.

Your mother is suffering a sense of loss because, before you were married, her entire focus was on you. Many mothers are experts at the kind of manipulation you're experiencing, but you don't have to take the bait. Encourage her to become involved in activities and relationships that will be emotionally rewarding for her. When she starts threatening you with being forgotten, tell your mother that she may forget you but you will always love and remember her. When she says she'd rather not see her future grandchildren at all than once or twice a month, remind her that will mean a loss for everyone. But do not give in to emotional blackmail.

DEAR ABBY: I was dating a man for nearly a year, and it was wonderful until things started to unravel. After we had dated for several months and things were starting to get serious, he introduced me to his 7-year-old daughter, "Emma."

Emma and I took to each other immediately and became great friends. She would call me on the phone and ask to hang out with me and her dad.

Sadly, things with her father and me didn't work out, and I broke off the relationship. Now I'm struggling to explain to Emma why I'm no longer around. What is the best way to deal with this? I love Emma and want to do what is best for her, and I don't want her to think I abandoned her. But I think it would be best to ease my way out of her life so as not to add to her confusion -- especially when her dad's new girlfriend comes along. How should I handle this? -- HEARTBROKEN IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: The kindest thing would be to visit with Emma and explain to her that the relationship you had with her father wasn't meant to be. Tell her that you think she is terrific, and the breakup had nothing to do with her, so she won't be left with the impression that it's because of something she did. You'll be doing the child a favor.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)