DEAR READERS: Believe it or not, I'm still getting mail regarding the letters I printed about hospital gowns. Some of them gave me a chuckle, and I thought I'd share them with you. So pour yourselves a cup of coffee or tea, sit back, and as they say, "Bottoms up!"

DEAR ABBY: Your column about hospital gowns reminded me of an item that appeared in the Milwaukee Journal Green Sheet years ago.

"Did you know that hospital gowns come in three sizes?

"Short, shorter, and don't bend over!"

-- A. BEYERSDORF, MILWAUKEE

DEAR A.: No, but that sounds like good advice to me.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters about hospital gowns, I wondered if your readers know that the first hospital gown was designed by a man named Seymour Heiny. -- R. McA., JOHNSTOWN, PA.

DEAR R.: A true visionary.

DEAR ABBY: I am a nurse who works in intensive care. We have a saying where I work: "That's why they call it an I.C.U." -- KEN THE RN

DEAR KEN: And I'll bet you've seen more than your share.

DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, I was in the hospital going through a miscarriage, wearing a hospital gown. My roommate was a large woman who complained to the nurse that hers barely covered her. I told them we were wearing designer gowns. My roommate responded that it couldn't be true -- hers looked like a regular gown to her. I told her ours were made by "Jordass."

Once she stopping laughing, the nurse said she thought I'd emotionally and physically survive the miscarriage if I could make a joke at a time like that. Two years later, I became pregnant with my son, who's a high school senior this year. Even if you can't print this, I thought you would get a laugh from it. -- YOU CAN LAUGH OR YOU CAN CRY

DEAR YOU: I did -- and I want you to know I admire your strength in the face of adversity.

DEAR ABBY: Feel free to use all or part of this story from my latest book, "The Dog Ate My 'Things to Do' List -- What a Good Dog!" A brief history of the hospital gown:

"There is the straitjacket, the bullet-proof vest, the lead apron that wards off stray X-rays, and then there is the 'just put it on backward hospital gown.' Some say that Betty Barebottom invented this product. Betty, according to this account, wished to teach men two things. One: It isn't easy to wear a skirt and not expose your anatomy to a gawking world. Two: Men should understand how difficult it is to fasten things behind your back.

"Others claim that the designer of this impossible gown is a man named Seymour Butts. ... Although he considers the hospital gown the culmination of his life's work, Seymour currently works as a fashion designer. His line of unusual designs bears the label 'Butt First.'" -- DEAN CHAPMAN, CONCORD, CALIF.

DEAR DEAN: Whether Seymour's clothing line is famous or infamous is debatable, although no one can deny its popularity. The low-slung hip-hugger is "hot" from coast-to-coast regardless of the weather or the sex of the wearer. But that's another column.

P.S. Anyone interested in purchasing books by Mr. Chapman can get ordering information by contacting him: deanchap@aol.com.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Adam," came home from Iraq for a two-week visit. He brought with him some T-shirts for his father, his sister and me. They were last-minute purchases. Now my mother is furious that she didn't get a souvenir from Iraq.

Our extended family is huge, and Adam didn't have room to bring something for everyone. No one else in the family is upset about it. They're just glad he came home healthy and safe.

My mother complained to her sister, "Irene," and Aunt Irene sent Adam a card in Iraq ordering him to send my mother something. It upset him because he barely knows Aunt Irene.

When I defended my son, Mother said: "I am the grandmother. I should have gotten something." I told her no one expected anything from him.

Is she being unreasonable or am I? Adam is furious that this nonsense is going on while he's risking his life in Baghdad. I will forward your response to him. -- PROUD MOM IN OHIO

DEAR PROUD MOM: Please tell Adam that he is in my thoughts and prayers for his safe return from a dangerous tour of duty -- which his grandmother apparently has confused with a sightseeing tour. Your son doesn't owe anyone a gift. His gift to the family will be his safe return.

DEAR ABBY: I married my husband, "Greg," a year ago. He's a wonderful man from a wonderful family. His parents are upper-middle class and have always had money. Greg and I are just starting out, so we don't have a lot. His mother, "Ruth," has been generous and thoughtful enough to buy us many of the things we needed to establish our home.

Recently she has started buying me things from very expensive places. Ruth has terrific taste and I love everything she gets me. I always say thank you, and sometimes send her notes. Greg tells me she keeps buying me things because she sees that I use everything she gives me.

I want to do something nice for Ruth that will really be special, but our funds are very limited. No one has ever been so nice to me, much less bought me things, and I want her to know how touched and grateful I am. Any suggestions on how to show my appreciation? -- BLESSED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR BLESSED: Just one. Take out pen and paper and write your mother-in-law a letter telling her how blessed you feel to have someone so loving and generous as she in your life. A love letter is one of those gifts that keep on giving joy to the recipient. I guarantee, it's something she will keep for a lifetime.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl who was molested ever since I was 8. I told the police, and we are going to court about it -- but I can't stop thinking about it. I need help forgetting about it. I can't let my boyfriend near me. Please help. -- "MISSY" IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR "MISSY": You did the right thing in telling the police what happened. However, as big a step in the right direction as that was, there is more to do before you can heal from the abuse. Please clip this letter and give it to your mother. Counseling can help you to put the abuse behind you, and an excellent place to get it would be the nearest rape crisis center. An organization called R.A.I.N.N. will help your mother locate one for you. The toll-free number for its national sex-assault hotline is (800) 656-4673. You are a brave girl, and I wish you the best of luck.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I love my husband, "Harvey," very much, but he is tight with money. I am not a spendthrift, and we pay our bills on time and have no large debts.

Every time we buy something, Harvey feels the need to comment about how much we're spending. This includes eating out -- which we do infrequently. I have walked out of more than one restaurant when Harvey started complaining about the prices. I tell him it takes the enjoyment out of an otherwise pleasant experience, but he doesn't seem to get it. He says he likes to complain and that I should ignore it.

We have an anniversary coming up, and I know Harvey will want to take me out to dinner, but I can't look forward to it because I know what will happen, and I won't have a good time. What should I do? -- WANTS TO EAT IN PEACE IN MAINE

DEAR WANTS TO EAT IN PEACE: Remind your frugal husband in advance that your anniversary is a special day, and you don't want the evening ruined by his complaining about the cost of the dinner. When your special day arrives and you're leaving for the restaurant, tell him sweetly that if he complains about the expense, he'll be sleeping in the doghouse.

DEAR ABBY: I am (not by choice) the single mother of a beautiful 19-month-old daughter I'll call Jenny. Jenny's father, "John," died in a car accident less than a year ago. His best friend, "Paul," arranged a benefit with the proceeds to go to Jenny. That was last July. Jenny has yet to receive a dime of this money.

Paul never told me the exact amount that was raised, and he still has the money. I spend a lot of time with them, but I'm scared to ask. Paul and his wife are facing some big expenses, so I'm afraid they might "borrow" Jenny's money. All of it was donated by family, friends and the people I work for.

I asked Paul's wife about it the other day, and she said she would get back to me, but the expression on her face was unsettling. I'm afraid they're going to use my daughter's money to cover their expenses. I really want to get it out of their hands and put it in Jenny's trust account. How can I keep the peace and still get what is due my daughter? -- HOPEFUL IN OHIO

DEAR HOPEFUL: That may not be possible; however, your daughter's future is more important than a potential argument. If the money that was raised for your daughter has been diverted, it may be considered fraud and embezzlement. For Jenny's sake, please consult a lawyer and have the lawyer get the money plus an accounting.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is obsessed with large breasts and constantly "hints" that I should enlarge my 34Cs. Lately he has been coming home late and telling me that he's been working overtime, when I know for a fact that he's been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, a stripper with 38DDs.

I love my boyfriend and don't want to lose him, but I'm not sure about enlargement. If it's the only way I can get him away from her, I guess I'll do it. What do you think, Abby? -- NOT BUSTY ENOUGH IN PHILLY

DEAR NOT ENOUGH: Rather than enlarging your breasts to satisfy his obsession, you'd be better served to enlarge your circle of boyfriends.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)