DEAR ABBY: I am an HIV counselor in Chicago, and I'm extremely concerned about the number of clients I counsel who have cheated on their partners. These are people being tested because they're afraid they have HIV, and yet they actively choose not to protect their partners. The usual response I hear when I ask them why is, "If I start using condoms, or ask my partner to use them, she/he will know something is up."

I don't get it, Abby. Can you help me understand?

There has also been an increase of married men having sex with other men. Again, no protection for the partner. Are these people so concerned about themselves and their egos that they risk their partners' lives?

Please advise your readers that I could be talking to THEIR partners about HIV testing. Have you any advice for how I can counsel people who test positive and refuse to tell their partners? -- STUMPED

DEAR STUMPED: Consider discussing with your clients exactly how NOT disclosing will affect their partners and their children. If you can break through their self-centeredness and elicit sympathy for the people whose lives they are endangering, you might be able to make them understand the importance of partner notification. It's worth a try.

One would think that a rational person would want to protect his or her partner from a sickness that could be fatal. However, the patients you describe appear to be either clueless or willfully selfish -- people without a conscience who do not think about how their actions will affect others.

I personally think that someone who knowingly infects another with HIV is committing a crime and should be punished for it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "John" has a 13-year-old daughter, "Dana," from a prior relationship. He never married the mother, and I suspect he feels some guilt about it.

Dana has decided she would like to buy her mom a "mother's ring" for Mother's Day and has asked her father to pay for it. John agreed. He sees nothing wrong with such an expensive gift because he says he's doing it for his daughter, not her mother.

I know his intentions are only to please Dana, but I can't just bite my tongue and let it go. We are not rich people. We both work. The ring Dana has in mind will cost between $200 and $300. I feel that since the mother is married, that Dana's stepfather would be the one to buy this gift -- or at least pitch in.

This is the first time in the more than 10 years we have been married that something like this has come up. I don't think it should be our place to foot the entire bill for such an expensive gift. Am I wrong? -- WORKED UP IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WORKED UP: At 13, Dana is old enough to learn that money doesn't grow on trees. The gift she gives her mother should come from money she has either earned or saved from her allowance. If your husband is determined to buy the ring, at least a portion of the cost should be paid by Dana. I hope he will consider what I have said.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a student who received detention for "respectfully disagreeing" with her teacher during a discussion of world events. In your reply, you suggested that the writer's comment may have been "disruptive," justifying the detention, and advised that it would have been more "diplomatic" to have voiced the disagreement in private. I take exception to your answer.

I am semi-retired now, but as a manager I had tremendous difficulty convincing subordinates that it was not only safe to disagree with me, but that I needed their frank opinions. I trace this to a situation described by John Holt in his 1964 book, "How Children Fail," in which he points out that the education system kills creativity, teaching students to anticipate what the teacher wants to hear and to feed it back to him/her.

I am currently co-director of the Master's in Health Physics Program at the Illinois Institute of Technology, engaged in the training of radiation safety professionals. It is essential that a safety professional be prepared to challenge his/her management when it proposes to do something that's contrary to law or regulation, or prejudicial to safe operation. The type of education described by Holt produces individuals who go along with management no matter what is proposed.

It is despicable that a teacher would conduct a "discussion" in which she entertains only opinions that agree with her own and punishes those that don't. The result for the students and our country is tragic. You should have supported the student. -- LAURENCE F. FRIEDMAN, PH.D.

DEAR DR. FRIEDMAN: You're right; I should have. And thousands of readers wrote to tell me so. (The e-mails, when printed out, weighed more than 15 pounds.) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to the student to follow the "diplomatic" approach and wait until after class to comment was still reverberating in my mind when I moved on to a USA Weekend story, "First Amendment Rights Lost on Teens," describing a Knight Foundation poll of 100,000 students which found that the majority of them assign little or no value to their constitutional right to free speech. Your response to that student makes you part of the problem. -- UPSET IN SANTA CRUZ

DEAR ABBY: That teacher was behaving unprofessionally. I have been teaching for more than 20 years and have strong opinions of my own. One of them is that students be taught to think for themselves. The student should have been listened to with respect instead of punished. -- TEACHER IN EL CERRITO, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Any educator who uses the classroom to pontificate on his or her political or religious views and allows no dissent is more a tyrant than a teacher. Send that kid to my classroom and give the teacher detention! -- ENCOURAGES THOUGHT IN INDIANA

DEAR ABBY: Prejudice comes in many shapes and forms, and I applaud that student for standing up against it. Punishing a student for having a different political opinion sounds more like North Korea than the U.S.A. As it stands, these students are being cheated in their education because they are being taught about the world only through the narrow opinions of one misguided teacher. -- OUTRAGED IN DUBLIN, CALIF.

DEAR READERS: My answer left something to be desired, and for that I apologize.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I really, really need your help. I have serious anger issues. Almost every day I lash out at my mother, and it makes her very sad. Recently my mom went through a bout of depression. She has relapses sometimes, yet I am unable to control my yelling at her. I am 13, but I realize that I am already an abuser and I don't know how to stop. Little things set me off on a screaming frenzy at my poor mother.

Please help me. I'm afraid I will hurt her one day because of this, and I would never forgive myself. And please don't print my name and address. We live in a small town, and I don't want people to know. -- 13 AND SCARED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SCARED: It is important that you pinpoint exactly what is making you so angry. If it is something other than your mother, then you're making her a scapegoat for what is really bothering you. If it IS your mother, you must find healthier, more constructive ways of expressing your anger than screaming at her because, as you have pointed out, it may escalate.

I have a booklet that could help you to understand and control your outbursts. It's called "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." It can be ordered by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus a check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

Among the suggestions I offer in the booklet are:

"Recognize that you are getting angry. Admit that your buttons are being pushed and that you're about to 'lose it.' (By losing it, I mean expressing yourself emotionally, without control.)

"Some healthy, acceptable ways to express anger:

"Express it calmly without being abusive or calling names. Say, 'When you do ( ), it makes me angry.' And then explain why.

"Take a walk. Remove yourself from the source of your anger until you cool off.

"Write a letter to the person who has angered you, expressing your feelings. You may never deliver it; in fact, you probably shouldn't -- but you'll feel much better once you get your emotions down on paper and out of your system.

"When all else fails -- have a good cry. That, too, will lessen the tension."

But whatever you do, do NOT raise your hand in anger against your mother. If your anger is truly out of control, ask your mother to make an appointment for you to discuss it with a psychologist so he or she can help you form the tools to control it or channel it in a constructive way.

DEAR ABBY: My brother has inherited a very old quilt from our grandmother. Her great-grandmother made it in 1862, when she was 18. We are thrilled to have such a wonderful piece of family memorabilia; however, we don't know what to do with it. It appears to be in good condition, but I can't imagine putting it on a bed and risking spills or pet fur getting on it.

At present, the quilt is wrapped in plastic and sitting in a box. I'd love to find a way for my brother to display it or use it, but he is 19 and doesn't really care about things like this yet. Any idea you might have would be welcome. -- KRISTA IN SALT LAKE CITY

DEAR KRISTA: The quilt should be stored until your brother has a place to display it. A cleaner that prepares bridal gowns for storage can help you do it so the quilt isn't damaged. When your brother is ready, consider having the quilt mounted in a large "shadow box" frame. However, make certain it is not exposed to direct sunlight.