DEAR ABBY: I am a blond, slim, 5-foot-10 female -- single and in great shape. People tell me I am beautiful. I am also HIV-positive.

I would like to meet someone special and settle down. But as soon as I meet a man I like, I struggle with the question of when to reveal my health situation. I have told them right away and I never hear from them again, which I find very insulting.

Some of my friends tell me I should date a guy for a few months and then say something, but I'd feel betrayed if someone waited that long to tell me.

I don't want to just blurt out the information at a first meeting. I'm very confused. Please help me. -- WANTS TO BE MARRIED, GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR WANTS TO BE MARRIED: There is no need to wear a scarlet letter declaring to anyone who shows an interest that you are HIV-positive. There is EVERY reason in the world to take the time to get to know someone -- and for him to get to know you -- before having sex. When you are finally ready for physical intimacy, you should then disclose your HIV status. If the man loves you, he won't leave you. If he doesn't love you, good riddance.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently lost our 24-year-old son in an automobile accident. While the emotional pain is tremendous, we're now beginning to venture out into social gatherings. Inevitably the question comes up, "How many children do you have?" How should we answer that question?

It feels wrong to acknowledge only our two remaining children, but saying, "We had three, but recently lost one" sounds like we have a cat that can't find its way home. Also, it steers the conversation in one of two paths -- a detailed conversation about his death, or one that ends awkwardly.

Should we just say we have one son living "here" and a daughter living "there," and assume the person will eventually learn that we had another child? This may seem like a silly question, but it makes us not want to venture out much. -- GRIEVING IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR GRIEVING: Your letter illustrates once again how dangerous it is to ask personal questions. Asking people if they have children, or how many they have, can also be devastating to couples who have been unable to conceive.

In a situation like yours, respond that you had three children, but one recently died in a car accident -- and then change the subject. Unless the questioner has the hide of a rhinoceros, he or she will be glad to discuss something else.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are both divorced and over 50. My dream is to be married on the beach in a formal wedding gown.

My family says it is not appropriate for someone my age to wear a wedding gown. We plan to be married this summer, and the gown is very important to me. What's your opinion? -- STARRY-EYED IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR STARRY-EYED: Your family is mistaken. According to my trusted 16th Edition of Emily Post's Etiquette, you may wear a wedding gown if you wish -- although "a second-time bride usually forgoes a train as part of her gown." So, have your dream wedding, and may your marriage be a long and happy one.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have recently turned 14. When I was 7, I was sexually abused by a close female relative. The abuse wasn't as severe as in most cases of molestation, but I know what happened to me was wrong. I forgive this relative and do not bear the emotional scars that most victims do.

I'm wondering whether I should ever tell my family about what happened to me. If I do, I am afraid they will hate this relative for what she did. I have told only one of my friends about it, and he told me it was up to me to decide whether or not to tell my parents.

What do you think I should do, Abby? Should I take this secret to my grave? Should I tell my parents and risk them never talking to this relative again? Or should I wait until I'm an adult to talk about what happened? I don't want this to tear my family apart. Please help me. -- LOST TEEN IN L.A.

DEAR LOST: Because this is on your mind, you should tell your parents. Obviously, you need to talk about it. It is not your responsibility to protect this person who abused you from the consequences of her actions. Because it happened to you, it may also have happened -- or be happening -- to other children in the family. So even if you won't speak up for yourself, please do it for them.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please help us to inform the many elderly widows and widowers of retired or honorably separated military officers that they are eligible to live at Air Force Village I in San Antonio, Texas?

Most believe, incorrectly, that since their military spouse is no longer alive, they are therefore not eligible to live in the Villages. The Villages are three retirement communities in San Antonio whose primary purpose is to care for surviving officer spouses of all branches of the service who need a secure, comfortable and dignified place to live.

Further, we have a Fellowship Fund that can help meet the financial needs of widow(ers) of retired Air Force officers who do not have adequate financial resources to cover their living or health-care expenses. Our foundation is proud to say that no otherwise qualified widow or widower is ever turned away due to inability to pay. The identity of the people who receive assistance is kept strictly confidential.

Thank you, Abby, for helping us get the word to these eligible folks. -- JACK BARBEAU, COL. (RET.), AIR FORCE VILLAGE FOUNDATION

DEAR COL. BARBEAU: I am pleased to help you publicize this worthwhile program. Readers, the Air Force Village Foundation's toll-free number is 800-762-1122.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I read a helpful hint in your column that should be repeated. If you send a get-well card to a friend in the hospital, put the patient's address as the return address on the envelope. That way, it will be delivered to the person's home even if he or she has been discharged.

I am in a recovery center after spending time in a hospital because of a fall. My friend sent a card to the hospital and failed to heed that advice. She put her own home address instead of mine on it, and it still hasn't shown up. -- STILL WAITING IN KNOXVILLE

DEAR STILL WAITING: I'm pleased to print your letter because your problem is one that I hear about repeatedly. Using the patient's address as the return address on a card or get-well note doubles its chances of reaching the recipient.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My second husband, "Les," and I married seven years ago. We each owned our own houses at the time. Whenever I was away, Les moved in his buddy, "Bruce" -- who owns a home nearby -- for the duration.

I always thought it was odd, but since it was Les' house, I never discussed it. Les and I recently sold our houses and purchased a beautiful home together. Not long after, I went to visit relatives for three days. Les moved Bruce into our home before I even left. Furthermore, from the moment Bruce arrived, they acted like I didn't exist. Neither one even said goodbye to me. They acted like lovers who couldn't wait to be rid of me.

I went on the trip feeling very hurt, and discovered when I returned that Bruce had stayed in "our" home the entire time I was gone without my having been consulted. Abby, this makes me very uneasy. Bruce lives only 15 minutes away. Is it normal for a man to have sleepovers with his buddy whenever his wife is away? -- REPLACED BEFORE THE EXIT IN N.J.

DEAR REPLACED: No, it's not. Instead of being a couple, it appears that you, Les and Bruce are a "family of three." It's time to listen to your intuition and start asking hard questions. Do not stop until you get some straight answers. There is a Web site you might find of interest: � HYPERLINK http://www.straightspouse.org ��www.straightspouse.org�. It is for the spouses of gay or bisexual individuals. If you check it out, I'm sure you'll find it enlightening.

DEAR ABBY: Last week, our 2-year-old nephew was unexpectedly placed in our custody. It was a complete surprise, and we were unprepared for it.

I belong to a woman's networking group and, during the meeting, I asked if any of them had clothing or bedding they would donate or we could purchase. Two of the women later dropped off a carton of clothing that their grandchildren had outgrown.

After they left, my husband accused me of having been extremely rude for going through the box in front of the donors and showing the 2-year-old some of the "cool" shirts.

I thought I was being proper to show my appreciation by looking through the items in the box. Please let us know who is right. Should I have waited for the woman to leave before looking, and sent a thank-you note -- or was it OK to look and still send a written thank-you? -- CURIOUS IN TACOMA

DEAR CURIOUS: Not only was it not a breach of etiquette to look at and comment about the garments that you received, it was the gracious thing to do. I don't know what your husband's problem was, but it appears he was having a bad day. Let it go.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Alex," is to be married soon. Her fiance, "Ted," has two sisters, neither of whom has been at all kind to her. They have actually said they don't think Alex is good enough for Ted.

My daughter now insists that she doesn't want to include them in the wedding party. I have told Alex that excluding them will only make things worse. She disagrees. Ted is very close to his sisters, but says Alex should do whatever she wants. What is your opinion? -- WONDERING IN WILLIAMSVILLE, N.Y.

DEAR WONDERING: Same as yours. As tempting as it is to exclude the two "witches," I hope your daughter will overcome her desire for revenge. Because the groom is close to his sisters, inviting them to be a part of the wedding could be the first step in healing the relationship. Not asking them will only incite further resentment.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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