DEAR ABBY: I moved to the United States when I was 19. A month after I arrived, I met an American boy I'll call "Colin." We have been together for five years.

Lately, I have noticed that Colin acts weird. He will only watch boys on TV, and he gets all nervous when my gay friend visits me. One day, I asked my gay friend if he had noticed anything. My friend told me that when I left the room, he got the impression that my boyfriend was hitting on him.

The other day I was making the bed and found a gay porn magazine under Colin's side of the mattress. I also found a phone number in his pants pocket. I called the number and a guy answered.

Colin and I are supposed to be married in three months. What should I do? Should I ask him if he's gay? -- NEEDS TO KNOW

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: It is highly unusual for straight men to keep pictures of naked men under their mattress. You have given me three reasons why you suspect he's gay, which indicates that your alarm bells are sounding. By all means address the subject with your boyfriend.

Although your boyfriend may not be gay, he may be bisexual -- and that spells trouble ahead if you marry him. If I were you, I'd put the marriage on hold and listen to my intuition.

DEAR ABBY: I hosted an informal dinner party for some of my friends, and among those I invited was a neighbor who lives on the same floor I do.

When she arrived at my apartment, she had a Dixie cup filled with wine in her hand, and said, "I brought my own cup of wine because I didn't know if any of your guests were 'drinkers.'"

I was shocked to say the least. I always have a supply of wine and liquor in my apartment for myself and any guests I entertain.

I never said a word to her about this because I didn't want to embarrass her. How should I react to this impolite and disturbing situation? -- MIFFED IN MIAMI

DEAR MIFFED: You have described a person who may have an alcohol problem that has nothing to do with etiquette. It was very important for your neighbor to have a drink at your party, whether you served one or not, and that should be the tip-off. Please don't take what happened personally. Your neighbor deserves sympathy, not censure.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is celebrating her golden wedding anniversary. She will be renewing her vows and having a party. She would like all of us sisters included in the ceremony, but she doesn't want to call us bridesmaids or have a maid of honor. Is there something else she could call us? -- STUCK IN STATESVILLE, N.C.

DEAR STUCK: Because your sister is uncomfortable using the titles "maid of honor" and "bridesmaids," she should refer to you as her "attendants."

CONFIDENTIAL TO "LISA" IN LEVITTOWN, PA.: You don't need to prove to your classmates that you're smarter than they are. I'll share with you a lesson my mother taught me: "Any fool can talk. It takes a superior person to listen. The 'art' of conversation lies in listening."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Don," and I have been married for five years. We have two beautiful children, and Don is a terrific father. For the most part, we have a good life together and get along well.

The problem is his sister, "Marsha." Marsha has major boundary issues, and she tries to undermine my role as both mother and wife. Their mother died young, and Marsha took on the role of mother. She still hasn't let go.

When Don and I first began dating, Marsha said some extremely nasty things in an effort to break us up. For example, she said I wasn't his type (right!), that he had been promiscuous in his past (not true), and that I would never know Don as well as she knows him. (She still says it on a regular basis.)

When Don and I have the rare quarrel, he goes running off to Marsha for advice. He also spends time with her on his days off, and they discuss very personal issues in our marriage. Marsha uses this personal information as fodder for gossip and pretends to be our "counselor." Because Don knows it upsets me, he now lies about visiting her or her coming over. I am on the brink of telling him I don't want to see his sister anymore.

Other than our issues with her, our life is wonderful. Any advice regarding a worse-than-mother-in-law sister-in-law? -- SEEING RED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR SEEING RED: An effective counselor is someone who is unbiased. A worse-than-mother-in-law should not be assuming the role of "counselor." Because of her dual role in your husband's life, she should (ethically) disqualify herself.

On some level, your husband must realize that when he runs to his sister, she'll automatically take his side. That's neither a fair nor healthy solution to your problems. Some sessions with a professional marriage counselor could help you resolve your differences. It could also lengthen -- if not sever -- his sibling umbilical cord, and I strongly recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: I have an ethics question for you.

The other night, my husband and I went to a movie -- something we seldom do. When we got into the theater and looked at our ticket stubs, we realized we'd been charged the senior rate rather than the one for adult admission.

I'm only 51, but I started turning gray in college and don't color my hair. My husband is a couple of years younger (I call him my "boy toy"), but I'm sure we looked "old" to the pink-cheeked high school student selling the tickets.

This has happened to me on a couple of other occasions, and I have said nothing. On the one hand, I feel like we are receiving a benefit under false pretenses. On the other hand, I still recall being 11 and tall for my age, and being required to buy adult tickets from people who didn't believe I wasn't 12.

I would never claim to be a senior to get a discount, because I'm not -- and we did buy popcorn that we might otherwise not have purchased. I think to have said something, especially after the fact, would have embarrassed us all. In your opinion, what's the right thing to do? -- JANET IN PALM SPRINGS

DEAR JANET: The right thing to do is to inquire when you reach the ticket booth how old a person must be to get a senior discount. The age can vary among different establishments -- including restaurants -- and if you don't qualify for the discount, be honest enough to say so.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your advice for the attractive HIV-positive young woman was perfect if the world was perfect -- but it's not. As a middle-aged gay man, HIV-positive for 15 years, my status should shock no one -- yet I'm usually rejected once I reveal my status.

I see three imperfect choices for her: Be open about her HIV to everyone she meets (she will thereby "benefit" by having a reputation). Tell her suitors up front during the first romantic outing. Or wait until weeks into dating, only to be disappointed again and again.

I chose the second. I take care of this nasty notification business as early as possible, preferably not in the heat of passion. The lies an HIV-positive person encounters can be quite an education. I'm nearly always told, "Thanks for telling me, being honest with me. It's OK, we'll just play safe," and the guy vanishes.

I now have a wonderful partner (he's negative) who loves me as I am. One day, I hope she'll be equally blessed. -- STEVE IN L.A.

DEAR STEVE: I don't think a person's illness or disability should define her or him. I advised the woman to take the time to get to know someone -- and let him get to know her -- before having sex, and that when she was ready for physical intimacy, she should disclose. Many people disagreed, but not all. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have AIDS and I'm happily married. I have lived with HIV for many years and have always been up-front about it. People respect me for being honest. When I was dating, I always let the man know. If he wasn't open, then I knew he wasn't "Mr. Right." Honesty is the best policy. -- MARRIED WITH AIDS IN FLORIDA

DEAR MARRIED: I agree. And in a case like this, honesty is a must. Thanks for sharing your success story.

DEAR ABBY: I have lived with HIV for 14 years and am involved with HIV education programs. I have found it's best to get the message over with up front. While it's painful if someone you're interested in drops you because of your status, it's better to find out early than waste time on someone who can't handle it. Take it from someone who's been there many times over.

Some cities offer social events specifically for people who have HIV, and there are several online dating resources. Two of them are: www.pozmatch.com and www.positivepersonals.com. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN TEXAS

DEAR B.T.D.T.: Your letter will comfort more people than you know. Thanks for writing.

And by the way, dear readers, here are two online dating sites for people with herpes: www.h-date.com and www.hmates.com.

DEAR ABBY: You were correct when you told that writer, "If the man loves you, he won't leave you." I hope the writer believes you, because what you said is the truth.

More than a year ago, I met a charming, handsome gentleman. We're both mature professionals in our 40s. Our relationship progressed very slowly, but when things finally began to heat up, I asked him directly what his status was. After looking into his eyes for two seconds, I knew the truth. He confirmed that he was HIV-positive and had been for 18 years.

I was stunned, because he appeared to be the picture of health. He looked at me and said, "If you walk away now, I won't blame you." I'm forever grateful that he waited to tell me, and that we had built enough of a relationship that I stayed and listened.

Many people read your column, and your messages are highly regarded. Thank you for not perpetuating a "run for the hills" mentality when it comes to HIV and relationships. -- FOUND MY SOUL MATE IN PA.

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