DEAR ABBY: I'm a 53-year-old man who, thanks to child abuse from his stepfather, is very confused and hurt today because of what he did. I don't know whether I am gay or straight. (I have several children.)

I never said anything about the sexual abuse he put me through because my mother was a violent person, and she needed him so much I knew she'd never believe me. The abuse didn't stop with just him. My three stepbrothers abused me as well.

My real brother shot and killed himself at age 35 because of my abusive mother and stepfather. I have two sisters who have nothing to do with me because of "rumors" about my past and present. I now have a great doctor, and hope to soon find a good therapist.

My question to you is, am I gay because I didn't fight back and tell my stepfather no? -- SCARRED IN NEW YORK

DEAR SCARRED: When an adult, particularly a parent, abuses a child, it is NEVER the child's fault. An adult is an authority figure and physically more powerful. Not fighting back was your way of surviving the sexual assaults; it does not mean that you are homosexual. A therapist will help you to understand this, and I hope you find one soon.

DEAR ABBY: My son "Bill" will graduate from college in a few weeks. His mother and I divorced when Bill was 10. Part of our divorce agreement was that we -- his mother and I -- would pay for Bill's college education. I paid 60 percent; she paid 40 percent.

I have since remarried, and my current wife thinks that a graduation gift is not necessary because my son will be graduating from college debt-free. She thinks that paying for Bill's college education is enough of a "gift." Part of me understands that concept, yet another part of me thinks that my son deserves some sort of a gift. I was thinking of a monetary gift -- in the $500 to $1,000 range. What do you think I should do? -- CURIOUS DAD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR CURIOUS DAD: Unless she's earning the money that's being given, your current wife should keep her thoughts on this subject to herself. Write a check for whatever amount you wish, and enclose it in a loving letter to your son telling him how proud you are of him and that you love him.

DEAR ABBY: I am very confused right now. When I was 15, I was raped and became pregnant. My father made me give the baby away. Ever since, I have always wanted to know how she was doing and where she was. (I am now 21.)

Recently, my grandmother told me that my daughter is fine and that she lives close by. I was never told because they were afraid I'd want her back and it wasn't possible. Abby, I am very upset that they have never told me where my child was or that the couple who adopted her didn't mind me coming to visit or spend time with her.

I told my boyfriend what happened. He accepts that I have a daughter. Do you think I have a right to be angry because my family didn't disclose my child's whereabouts because they thought it was "better" that I didn't know? -- CONFUSED IN CAMBRIDGE

DEAR CONFUSED: Your feelings are justified, and you have a right to them. However, I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive your parents for what they did. You were a minor, and they may have been trying to spare you some pain.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a female experiencing what one might call "Ugly Duckling Syndrome." I was an awkward child and adolescent, and was teased and rejected by my peers -- especially boys. As I reached adulthood, I "blossomed" into a good-looking young woman -- not exactly a swan, but definitely easier on the eyes than I was.

I get a lot of attention from guys now, but no matter how many people tell me I'm beautiful, I still don't believe it. Inside, I'm still the same plain, unattractive girl I used to be. When people stare at me in public, the first thing I think is they're thinking how ugly I am.

Abby, my negative attitude is pushing people away. People don't really like being around me once they get to know me. (An acquaintance actually said to me, "You're one of the prettiest girls I know, but your attitude is ugly.")

What can I do to enhance my confidence without becoming conceited? -- NOT FEELING PRETTY IN N.J.

DEAR NOT FEELING PRETTY: The problem you have described is not unique. It is sometimes shared by individuals of both sexes who have had plastic surgery that made a considerable difference in their looks. It has less to do with a lack of confidence than with anger at those who failed to notice their inner beauty before.

My advice is to stop obsessing about yourself and concentrate on making the people around you feel better about themselves. Make an effort to be kind to those you encounter, speak well of others, and do something nice for someone else without regard to personal gain every day. If you do that, your insecurities will lessen and you will be a more attractive, less defensive person to be around.

DEAR ABBY: I have read so often about the "other woman." Your advice is always, "If he cheats on his wife, he'll cheat on you." I wish I had listened, but I didn't -- and now I face a lonely future.

For more than 30 years, I was the other woman. I was always faithful to "Hank." I changed my life around to make him happy. I knew he'd never divorce his wife, but I needed Hank in my life. He also cheated on me for 10 years, but then became faithful until three months ago.

Hank's wife died a year ago, and we continued seeing each other. A couple of weeks ago, he announced that he wanted us to be "friends." Hank said I was his special friend, but he could no longer spend every night with me because his children and grandchildren "wouldn't understand."

Last week, I learned that for the past three months, Hank has been seeing another woman. He told her that he sees an old friend "occasionally." Abby, she has been to his house and met his entire family! Hank said if I don't like it, he'll stop seeing me.

I have spent most of my adult life with this man. Now I mean nothing to him. He didn't respect me enough to be honest from the start, and now I'm left with nothing. -- CAN'T STOP CRYING IN TEXAS

DEAR CRYING: Excuse me, but you have not been left with "nothing." You have learned one of life's hard lessons, and you have a future. People recover from worse disappointments than the one you're experiencing. So dry your tears, and if you haven't already done so, salvage some self-respect by telling Hank goodbye. The minute you do, you'll start to feel better about yourself -- and that's the first step in getting your life back on track.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I moved to the United States when I was 19. A month after I arrived, I met an American boy I'll call "Colin." We have been together for five years.

Lately, I have noticed that Colin acts weird. He will only watch boys on TV, and he gets all nervous when my gay friend visits me. One day, I asked my gay friend if he had noticed anything. My friend told me that when I left the room, he got the impression that my boyfriend was hitting on him.

The other day I was making the bed and found a gay porn magazine under Colin's side of the mattress. I also found a phone number in his pants pocket. I called the number and a guy answered.

Colin and I are supposed to be married in three months. What should I do? Should I ask him if he's gay? -- NEEDS TO KNOW

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: It is highly unusual for straight men to keep pictures of naked men under their mattress. You have given me three reasons why you suspect he's gay, which indicates that your alarm bells are sounding. By all means address the subject with your boyfriend.

Although your boyfriend may not be gay, he may be bisexual -- and that spells trouble ahead if you marry him. If I were you, I'd put the marriage on hold and listen to my intuition.

DEAR ABBY: I hosted an informal dinner party for some of my friends, and among those I invited was a neighbor who lives on the same floor I do.

When she arrived at my apartment, she had a Dixie cup filled with wine in her hand, and said, "I brought my own cup of wine because I didn't know if any of your guests were 'drinkers.'"

I was shocked to say the least. I always have a supply of wine and liquor in my apartment for myself and any guests I entertain.

I never said a word to her about this because I didn't want to embarrass her. How should I react to this impolite and disturbing situation? -- MIFFED IN MIAMI

DEAR MIFFED: You have described a person who may have an alcohol problem that has nothing to do with etiquette. It was very important for your neighbor to have a drink at your party, whether you served one or not, and that should be the tip-off. Please don't take what happened personally. Your neighbor deserves sympathy, not censure.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is celebrating her golden wedding anniversary. She will be renewing her vows and having a party. She would like all of us sisters included in the ceremony, but she doesn't want to call us bridesmaids or have a maid of honor. Is there something else she could call us? -- STUCK IN STATESVILLE, N.C.

DEAR STUCK: Because your sister is uncomfortable using the titles "maid of honor" and "bridesmaids," she should refer to you as her "attendants."

CONFIDENTIAL TO "LISA" IN LEVITTOWN, PA.: You don't need to prove to your classmates that you're smarter than they are. I'll share with you a lesson my mother taught me: "Any fool can talk. It takes a superior person to listen. The 'art' of conversation lies in listening."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)