DEAR ABBY: I am a reference librarian at a large academic library. While I share some of "Marian the Librarian's" concerns, I couldn't help but notice that her pointers for library etiquette were comprised almost entirely of "don'ts." I am afraid her diatribe against library patrons may cause some of them not to use the library at all, for fear of committing a faux pas and incurring a librarian's wrath.

How much better it would have been had she compiled a list of library "do's" instead of library "don'ts." Example:

-- Do teach your children to use and appreciate the library.

-- Do check your library's policy on food, drink and cell phones. (Many allow drinks in covered containers, and cell phones set to silent mode or in specific areas.)

-- Do enlist the help of the reference librarian. You might be surprised what we can find for you in a short amount of time.

-- Do use your trip to the library as a learning experience. We have a saying, "Find the book for a man, and he'll have the information for only a day. Teach him to search the catalog, and he'll have information for a lifetime."

Although, like "Marian," I'm tired of the poor etiquette I see in my library, I'm equally tired of the pervasive public image of librarians as cranky, uptight and "shushing." As a librarian, my job is to help and educate patrons. "Marian's" letter made it seem as if librarians are the behavior police. -- ANTI-SHUSHER IN MIAMI

DEAR ANTI-SHUSHER: Your point about casting the message in positive, rather than negative, language is well taken. And I agree that librarians have been wrongly stereotyped. However, if librarians are forced into the position of acting like "library police," it is because their patrons are acting in a way that is destructive or disruptive. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I wish I could nail a copy of that letter to every flat surface of our library in the hope that our patrons might read it and get a clue. It has come to my attention that some librarians are unhappy that "Marian" chose to air her grievances in a forum as public as your column -- and some have even called for a letter-writing campaign to criticize Marian for telling the truth. I say, more power to her! -- NEW JERSEY LIBRARIAN

DEAR NEW JERSEY: Thanks for the warning. The following is a letter that expresses, I suspect, their real concern.

DEAR ABBY: I haven't seen such a vitriolic diatribe since librarians were told to stop pointing and get up off their "duffs" and go find the book for the customer! While libraries are free, taxpayers are the ones who support us, and if we have professionals in the field such as "Marian," we have only ourselves to admonish when our tax dollars are reduced and our libraries are closed. -- SOUTH BEND, IND., LIBRARIAN

DEAR SOUTH BEND: If libraries are closing because of lack of support or patronage, it may be because people do more and more research online at home than because librarians are overzealous in enforcing rules of common courtesy. To quote a librarian from Beverly Hills, Calif.:

"There is now a dwindling number of librarians due to retirement, downsizing, burnout and very low pay compared to other professions. That, coupled with a society that is becoming increasingly uncivil and underappreciative of a truly altruistic profession, makes me fear that the library profession is going the way of the dinosaur."

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DEAR ABBY: While most of my friends are eagerly anticipating graduation, I am dreading it. The reason? My mother.

Ever since I was in second grade, my mother has been addicted to prescription drugs. Mom and Dad divorced when I was in middle school, and I have lived with my dad ever since.

This year, Mom began to press for a ticket to my graduation. I don't want her there. She won't admit to having a problem, despite the fact she has been in rehab 10 times. I can't remember a time prior to her extended hospital stays and visits by home nurses.

Before I have any event, she becomes manipulative and checks herself into the hospital. This hasn't happened just once or twice. I'm talking about every event since I was in fourth grade -- including my birthday, my older brother's graduation, everything. Last year, she forgot my birthday. I didn't even get a phone call. I don't think she has earned a ticket for graduation.

Many people in my life have been there for me when my mother wasn't. Now Mother is claiming that because she is my mother, she should supersede all the others. She is still heavily medicated and prone to making scenes, including threatening suicide, if she doesn't get what she wants -- that ticket. There are only a limited number available. I would like to give them to people who have shown they care about me. What are your thoughts on this? This is tearing what's left of my family apart. -- SHATTERED SENIOR IN MARYLAND

DEAR SENIOR: You have my sympathy. I know you feel cheated because you didn't have the kind of mother you wished for. However, from your description, your mother appears to suffer from a severe mental illness. A person who is heavily medicated and repeatedly hospitalized is not entirely responsible for her actions. Giving birth to you and your brother may have been her only positive accomplishments in this life. For that reason, I think she should attend your graduation.

The people who have supported you over the years will be happy to celebrate with you after the ceremony, I'm sure. And I'm also sure they'll understand why your mother should see you get your diploma if she is able.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a client of a wonderful hairstylist I'll call "Valerie" for about four years. There's only one problem. She wears large rings on her fingers, and when she uses her fingers to "comb" through my hair as she dries it, the rings catch on my hair. I end up with several hairs either being torn out by the roots or broken at the point where her rings catch. It's downright painful.

I love how Valerie styles my hair and don't want to leave her, but I'm not sure how to tactfully call this to her attention. I'm hoping that she -- and other stylists who do this -- will see themselves in this letter and remove their rings when it's time to dry their customers' hair. -- GOING BALD IN CAPE CORAL, FLA.

DEAR GOING BALD: Nice try, but don't count on it. What if your hairstylist misses my column today? One would think that a client's natural reaction to having her hair jerked out by the roots -- an emphatic "OUCH!" -- would be enough. However, because the discomfort she's causing seems to have escaped her notice, use the direct approach and tell her your preference in plain English.

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DEAR ABBY: I am 37, never married, and have never even dated much. I am quiet, shy, overweight and plain.

I have been seeing a man who is 42 years old, and who has also never been married. He has proposed, but I haven't given him an answer because I don't think I really love him. He is very good to me and treats me like a queen, but there is absolutely no spark. (There's also no sex. He's impotent and has no plans to do anything about it.)

My question is: Do I marry him and "settle," just to be married, or do I live the rest of my life alone? Is it better to take this chance and marry my best friend, or should I wait for a Prince Charming who might never arrive?

Please answer this question in the newspaper. I don't want anyone to know I'm such an indecisive fool. -- WAVERING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR WAVERING: There's no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Some women have married "Prince Charming" only to have him turn into an abusive frog. Other women have married their "best friend" and lived happily ever after.

That you're not attracted to this man and he's unable to perform could be either good or bad, depending upon how important sex is to you. However, if you're considering marriage to him only because you're afraid you'll never attract anyone else, I urge you to go on a diet, get into an exercise program, and consult the best cosmetician you can afford about a makeover. Beauty may be only skin deep, but the way you package yourself can affect the way you feel about yourself. And once you improve your self-esteem, your luck with men could change for the better.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old male. I have been to many schools and had the same problem at every one. My girlfriends want to have sex. I have given in a couple of times, but I won't do it again until I'm older and more responsible.

I felt guilty because I didn't use protection and I was worried about my girlfriends getting pregnant. My question is, what should I say to my partner when she asks to have sex? -- SWEARING OFF IN TAMPA

DEAR SWEARING OFF: You appear to be an intelligent young man with a good head on your shoulders. Tell these girls exactly what you have told me. Say that you prefer to wait until you are older to have sex because you're not ready to accept the responsibility if an unwanted pregnancy should result. Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to be pressured into having sex, because your reasons are 100 percent right.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and her husband borrowed a considerable sum of money from me, with the promise they would repay it in monthly installments. Not long afterward, they filed for bankruptcy and my loan was legally forgiven.

I feel they have a moral obligation to repay me, but my daughter tells me they have no intention of doing so. I am trying to forgive, but I find it difficult to be around them. At 73, I'm still working to pay off the loan I took out for them. How can I put this aside and have a normal family relationship? -- CHEATED IN SPRINGFIELD

DEAR CHEATED: I'm not sure that you should. What your daughter and her husband did was despicable, and you're right to have all of the feelings you do about it.

For the foreseeable future, keep your guard up and your purse closed when you're around them. They have proven that they won't hesitate to use and abuse your generosity and love.

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